sisterly firsts

everybody asks what it is like having a twin sister.

imagine having your best friend with you all the time.

imagine being able to talk about anything and everything,

and she understands because she lives your life.

this statement is entirely true, because i have something

imperative to tell her every other second.

this year has been hard because the longest we have ever spent apart was this summer.

in nineteen years, the longest we had ever been apart was two weeks.

until this summer when i left her in logan the first weekend in may,

and didn't see her again until the middle of august.

hardest three and a half months of my life.

but, heaven knows it was a trial run of what my mission is going to be like.

as a kid, the teacher asks you who your best friend is,

and my answer was always rae.

i didn't have many "best friends" in school,

but rae was always there.

we walked through life together.

we started elementary school together.

we walked through the doors to middle school together.

high school was an adventure we took on together.

college was a life changer we supported each other through.

 i can't imagine walking onto a plane by myself,

meeting my future without her.

i'm tearing up just thinking about it.

firsts are always something we supported each other through.

rae got her first glasses and i was there to tell her she looked good in them.

rae judged me as i tried on my first colorguard uniform.

we were in the car together when we took our newly issued permits for the first spin.

we entered the temple together on our first time.

our first cross country drive was together.

and so many more.

but there are some firsts i haven't shared with her,

and firsts she hasn't shared with me.

i can't share or talk with her about the experiences of being endowed.

i can't show her the feelings i have about the people that i worked with this summer.

there are some feelings that i can't show her and it hurts.

i can't talk with her about her boyfriend,

because i've never had one.

i can give her advice based on the things i have seen from her life.

i am that voice of reason in the back of her head

that says "five dates before you bring him to meet the family."

the voice that says "i approve" and makes the relationship legit.

she trusts me, and i trust her.

there are so many things i want to share with her about the things i saw

in the temple, but i can't talk to her about them, mostly because

she can't go there with me. and it's killing me.

and there is nothing more in the world that i want than to share that with her.

there are so many beautiful things in the temple that i want to discuss

and she can't do it with me.

sure, i have my mom or my dad, or my wonderful family.

but i want my sister.

we will always be best friends.

we will always be the ones we turn to for advice.

but we are our own person and this is where the road takes us apart for a time.

but the roads run parallel, and we will be together. forever.

my mom always encouraged us to be our own person.

we never walked around in matching outfits.

coordinating, maybe, but never matching.

we were given the option: 

band or orchestra?

red or green?

vanilla or chocolate?

alone or together?

and in many ways, we are complete opposites.

i loved band. rae thrived at orchestra.

i love red, rae prefers the cooler color of green.

i love vanilla, she loves the chocolate heart attack of rocky road.

i love the silence of being alone, rae loves the social life.

but we dragged each other into each others lives.

rae drug me into so many dumb social activities that i ended up loving.

i got rae to enjoy vanilla bean ice cream.

but, we still support each other in our differences.

orchestra concerts are terribly boring, but i went.

rae went to football games for the social aspect, but loved to watch me perform.

we compliment each other.

we are each other's person.

she's my person.

a hallelujah christmas

christmas music is my favorite.

i'm one of the those people who looks forward to

the day after thanksgiving to crank up the christmas tunes

and sing along for the next month to all of my favorites.

there are so many wonderful, fun ones to sing, 

but my favorite christmas songs are those sung about

CHRIST.

for this is His season after all.

this season has been a special one for me, 

mostly because i know that next year,

i will be among friends, not family for christmas.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints put out this wonderful video

about the first gift of christmas and issued a challenge to all the world,

to discover the gift, embrace the gift, and then to share the gift in the coming year.

then a few weeks ago, one of my friends shared this on facebook, 

this song has been sung by many an artist, but never before like this.

cloverton does an amazing job of refocusing the lyrics on the christmas season

and it was actually released two years ago.

but, this song is amazing, and i challenge you to just listen to the lyrics.

and then, the piano guys went out and did this:

the guinness world record for largest live nativity.

the arrangement is phenomenal

(what else would you expect from the piano guys, peter hollen, and david archuleta)

and again, the lyrics are enough to give me the chills.

this song is about forty years old, and has been redone by many artists,

but there is something about a country christmas song that always does me in.

mary, did you know? focuses on Mary, and begs so many beautiful questions.

what made the baby cry focuses more on the members of the nativity,

and what was going on their heads.

this christmas season, hug your families close.

let them know how much you love them, not by how much you spend on them,

but by how much time you spend with them.

let them know you love them by saying "i love you" and truly meaning.

be an example, and #sharethegift

He is risen, He lives, and He wants us to return to live with Him.

holiness to the lord.

friday was the day.

i posted these words on instagram and they are totally true

I love to see the temple, I'm going there today to feel the Holy Spirit, to listen and to pray. 

For the temple is a House of God, a place of love and beauty. 

I've prepared myself while I was young; this is my sacred duty.

ever since i was in primary, i have sung the song "I Love to See the Temple"

and sung about going inside some day.

up until last year, i always thought that it would so that i could be married in the temple

a few short weeks after.

but as i read my patriarchal blessing again, and began to understand that the Lord

wanted me to serve a mission, i have known that i would be going through the temple

so that a few weeks later, i could go and do what the Lord had commanded me to do:

serve the people.

friday was the day that i had spent years dreaming about.

what did the rest of the temple look like?

i had been inside of the atlanta temple before, during an open house,

and i remember being taken aback by the simple beauty there was to behold there.

what i didn't understand, is how much more beautiful it is after it had been dedicated.

sitting in the center of the temple, with people who love and support you, 

and with people you hardly know, yet share a common reason for being there,

is such an amazing feeling. 

there was another family there, taking their son through the temple

so that he would be prepared to serve as well.

he reports to the mexico city mtc a few weeks after i report to the provo one,

but the joy was there on his face that i felt in my heart.

there are many wonderful things that i can't discuss with you about the temple,

but the beauty still exists. the covenants i made there are special to me, 

and i don't want anyone to ever jeopardize that for me, or for themselves.

i know understand why the mission of the missionaries is to get investigators to the temple.

there are so many beautiful things that simply solidify the testimony that you have already.

if you can, go. prepare yourself, understand the proper reason for going.

and get yourself to the temple. 

"I urge all who have not yet received these greatest of all blessings within the walls of the temple to do whatever may be necessary to qualify to receive them."

-James E. Faust-

another few steps closer.

i wish to share with you my crazy weeks, but first

i share with you, my friend's because she does it

so much more eloquently than i. 

{ laughing aloud }

i don't know if you have been keeping tabs,

but i am 24 days out from the mtc, and

i don't feel like i am prepared at all.

this week though, i was doing good to get a lot of things done:

1. a letter from the police, saying that "no, i am not a criminal." -- check

2. my passport back -- check

3. my birth certificate back -- check

can i just say that it is very nerve racking to hand over

your birth certificate to someone you just met ten minutes ago

and trust them that they will, in fact, get it to the right people?

4. the paperwork filled out so i can get an apostille -- check

5. a package sent for Christmas -- check

6. the typhoid immunization, in form of a pill -- check

{the grossest thing ever...}

7. work, all on time and we got the trucks done! -- check

8. and most importantly, i got to go through the Atlanta Temple Friday.

what an amazing experience, and i am so grateful for those who took the time

to come and support me. sister pesci, vaughn, the stewarts, and the fackrells.

for the aunts and uncles, and my wonderful sister who were in the temple with me

across the country because they couldn't be here physically, thank you. 

this week was a crazy one, but somehow i got a lot done, and am just a little bit closer to being ready.

ready or not, here i come.

the thanksgiving feast

this year is a special year mostly because i have to go to bed early. no, not because i did something bad, i'm not five. but because the population of k-town needs me at work at one am tomorrow. and so I sit here patiently waiting for the thanksgiving feast to work it's magic and put me to sleep until midnight. yeah, not overly thrilled about it. 

but i digress and so i write my "thankful for" list:

1. the gospel of Jesus Christ. it's literally the best thing that has happened in my life. 

2. my family, whom without i would be a very unfounded individual. 

3. the people of my village, who have supported me and offered advice in this, one of the most important times in my life, so far. 

4. the people of Nicaragua, who apparently need me, and need me now. i am counting the days until i meet you! (41 days, in case anyone was wondering.)

5. my roommates, who have become some of my best friends. 

6. old friends, who show up at random times in your life and are still excited to hang out and talk and offer you rides to work at 1am in the morning. 

7. a tankless water heater, that allows me to take a shower after seven people, run the dishwasher and the washer, and still have hot water for the whole shower.

8. clean, running water and electricity. i would look homeless without you. 

9. the garabage man who takes away my trash, and deals with it, so i don't have to. 

10. music, the language of the angels. if i didn't have music, i would feel empty and like something was missing. there are so many beautiful things to be said through music, and some beautifully tragic things as well. 

i hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving, and for my sake, stay home this weekend.

forty-seven days and counting

as peach, from finding nemo, would say,

“today’s the day, the sun is shining, the tank is clean!”

today was the fateful day, when it all changed!

i woke up expecting a normal day with mom before having to go to work this evening. i was folding laundry when one of us said that we need to talk with all my aunts and uncles to see what the best way was to include everyone in the “big reveal,” when i got my mission call.

little did i know that that plan was pointless.

i was out running some errands when i got a phone call from my mother. nothing out of the ordinary, just thought that she needed me to pick something up from kroger. she said two words before i started to scream: “it’s here.”

i was so excited, and bug was just sitting there looking at me like i had a third eye and telling me that people in the surrounding cars where giving me weird looks. i didn't even care at that point. all i wanted was to get everyone home from school, daddy home from work, rae on the phone, and to rip open the packet and see where i was going. i knew that i had to wait at least until at least three to open the packet because the three youngest siblings were all on the bus. and it was KILLING me.

according to the text messages, and the voicemails i had left that morning, if i got it this weekend, i would be opening it on sunday evening. we would broadcast it to the two grandparents’ houses, and then try and be on at least speakerphone with the rest of the aunts and uncles.

thirty minutes later, we had called both sets of grandparents, rae was on skype with us, and i was opening the most amazing white envelope ever.

(my hands are shaking just thinking about it now.)

i carefully ripped open the envelope and almost collapsed when i skipped to the good part and saw where i was going.

the video that bug put on instagram makes me sound like i am three years old, but i don’t care. i was just so excited and i just couldn't wait to read the rest of it, but my family was DYING of anticipation.

so I carefully read the words:

“dear sister janelle sara graves, you are hereby called to serve as a missionary for
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. you are assigned to labor in the nicaragua managua south mission. it is anticipated that you will serve for a period of eighteen months.

you should report to the provo missionary training center on wednesday, january 7th, 2015. you will prepare to preach the gospel in the spanish language. your assignment may be modified according to the needs of the mission president.”

i was so excited, i was crying

{i’m not a huge crier, so this was big.}

my siblings by this point had been reduced to tears, hugs, and cries of “yeah!!”

my parents were a mess, and my grandparents were just plain excited for me.

rae did okay with the news, but it hit her really hard that she was eighteen hundred miles away and unable to be there, so we resorted to hugging our respective electronic devices. it was comforting, but i wish she could have been there.

the scary part of it all:

i have to be ready to report in forty-seven days.

and i still have to make it through holiday with my two jobs.

 i can do this. luckily, one of my bosses is also a member of the Church, 

and so when i gave him a call today, 

he was totally understanding and willing to work with me about 

when my last day was going to be with them. 

now, just to figure out how to break it to my retail job…

forty-seven days.

it just hit me.

i’m going on a mission.

this is for-realz happening.

i am going to serve the people of NICARAGUA.

breathe.

no shave november

it's pretty much the most fun month ever.

let me explain:

I LOVE BEARDS.

spending the next eighteen months 

around beardless men

may be a little interesting for me. 

mostly because,

beards are the best thing ever.

i mean, this guy rocked a beard:

so anyone can rock a beard.

well, except for maybe this guy/woman/it:

no michael jackson, 

just no. 

you don't deserve a beard.

this is a very accurate description of it all.

my three rules about beards:

-1- keep it trimmed, even if you are growing it out.

i shave my legs for you, you can keep your beard trimmed.

-2- i understand that your beard doesn't grow all the way in,

it takes a special man to have a full and non-patchy beard.

i will take it as it is, but don't complain about it.

-3- do not look like the bush man. keep it shaped.

but i'll just leave you with this:

it's in...

as of yesterday at 4:20 pm. 

my mission papers have been submitted to salt lake city.

REPEAT:

my mission papers have been submitted.

you really can't tell how excited i am through this post.

i was doing a little happy dance when i got the stake president's voicemail.

no lies.

the reason that they weren't submitted on monday night:

-the doctor didn't write down my pulse

-i didn't have a recent dental x-ray

-we didn't have what my vision was with my glasses (20/20 of course!)

-they were worried about only having half of my hep a vaccination complete,

but my bishop reassured the man submitting the paperwork that i could

get the second dose in the MTC if necessary.

-the doctor didn't write down the results of my blood work

but, we got it all squared away, and now i play the waiting game!

MY PAPERS ARE IN!

i was doing dancing around the island listening to the voicemail.

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1. i started bringing my preach my gospel book to work

and reading while we have a few minutes lull, and it's been great!

2. CHECK MARK! 

i mean, that is why i am writing this post after all...

3. we decided that we are going to do it ourselves!

stitching in the ditch and sewing the longest diagonal ever,

we figured it would just be easier than sewing a four inch border

all the way around a king-sized quilt.

so CHECK MARK!

4. i look forward to having my schedules here in the next day or two,

and then i can plan with them!

5. i love the relief that i find while playing the piano,

and i have been able to pick through and

semi-confidently play through a lot of the hymns.

6. have been doing great. being home yesterday kind of helped that a lot too.

i used my once-a-week-eat-out card yesterday when we 

ordered in hibachi. yumm...

it's going to be a little easier this week to eat healthier because

i get off a a little bit more of a normal "lunch" time.

momma mia

this week.

for realz. 

it's been so long. 

i literally feel as if it's been monday all week long. 

let me explain: 

between my two jobs this week, i worked an excess of 60 hours. 

that's right. SIXTY! 

and gurl, you better believed i worked for it.

i worked two-fourteen hour work days.

#showmethemula

but that wasn't even the longest day this week. 

wednesday i was at one job from 5am-2pm 

and then had to be at my other job at 3:30pm to 9:30pm.

needless to say, i'm exhausted and was in desperate need of a sunday.

during the forty-five minute break i got in between my two jobs on thursday,

i stumbled across this article on facebook and had to share.

because this really was me at one point.

i took the "be prepared" motto for the boy scouts to heart during high school.

plus, i just love the bridesmaids reference.

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1. baby steps. and i am getting better.

this week was rough for me physically though.

2. getting a dental x-ray to "dot an i" tomorrow to be safe,

but they should be submitted tomorrow night!

3. it will be completed this week.

my mom is holding me accountable.

4. check for today! went and got to see some of the people

that they are investigating and it's really exciting to see the

countenance change when they open up to the idea of being comforted by the gospel.

add to goals: pray that sabrina may be able to find a job and be able to better her life

for her kids.

sabrina is an investigators that the sisters are working with right now.

we challenged her tonight to join us at church on sunday, and the sisters

have another meeting with her on tuesday. she is trying to figure out her life

and is trying to get a stable job so that she can move on to better things. she is a 

single mother and wants her kids to have a better life than what she is currently living.

she is trying to go to school and get a nursing degree so that she can provide for her kids.

the epitome of a strong woman, trying to do better, all for the sake of her children.

5. funny story: actually got asked today *twice i might add* at church to play.

i was able to play prelude music to sacrament meeting (the semi-equivalent to mass

at a catholic church) and then was asked again to play in relief society, but was not

comfortable playing the songs that had been picked to go along with the lesson.

mommy to the rescue!

i have some spare time this week (actually a lot of spare time, compared to last week)

and will be working a lot of my goals.

NEW!

6. exercise more frequently and eat better.

take something substantial to eat at work while on break,

and don't eat snack foods as a meal.

spend part of my "break" walking on the treadmill for a little bit.

great hugs

the beginning of november is always a time for reflection for me. 

the year is almost over and i seriously sit and reflect at all of the annual goals i didn't ever get to.

i also try and make a mental note of my "grateful fors" and make a list. 

sunday in relief society, the teacher handed around ten slips of paper. 

each had a question on it asking us something we were grateful for in different situations. 

i got the question: what experience are you thankful for this week and why? 

saturday i worked my first birthday party at the trampoline park 

{one of my two brand new jobs} 

and i had no idea what i was doing even though it had been explained to me a couple of times.

i didn't let it on that i was new and had never done this before 

until the birthday party was almost over. 

the party mom looked at me and said, "you're doing great. I had no idea." 

my coworkers had been assuring me all day that i was doing great,

but to hear it from a perfect stranger was the comfort i needed. 

with all this new stuff, i am really missing the old stuff. 

i'm really, really missing my bar t-5 friends 

and the people that i interacted with while in jackson.

 the job was comfortable and the people are and were amazing. 

i see all of my friends going about school and work, 

and i wish i was there to see them in person more often.

on halloween, we all went back to the summer and went cowboy.

i feel like almost all of us posted a picture of ourselves,

dressed up in perfect cowboy outfits. 

i miss it so much, but i know that with all good things, 

they come to an end. 

i miss the stable hours and the fact that i knew 

how much was going to be on the next paycheck.

{salary has its perks and downsides}

 i could hang out with people my age 

simply by walking out of the bedroom door

 and it was always an environment i felt safe interacting in. 

never any raunchy situations. 

i miss cuddling on the couch watching a movie and
just sitting next to a great friend with his arm around me.
i also miss seth's hugs.
he always knew exactly when you needed a great hug.

but then again, i know that jackson is now a part of me 

and i will be back again. soon.

the friends i made this summer are forever. 

even if some of us are thousands of miles apart from each other. 

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goal update:

1. focusing on setting aside time to do it, 

in the evenings before i sit down to watch tv. 

2. one more interview tomorrow and then my papers will be submitted!

3. tomorrow i don't work in the afternoon, so i can get the help i need 

from mom to get the back pieced together. 

and then off to the quilter it can go!

4. i will have my shifts for next week by wednesday for my retail job 

and then i can set a time for next week! 

5. i am going through the hymns and playing the ones i have heard before 

to try and get a feel for how they are played. 

i have an easier time playing something i have heard before,

 so i am going through and playing the right hand 

and then adding the left hand in. i'm getting better! 

home!

i have finally reached it:

HOME!

nothing describes the relief that was felt 

when i saw the familiar interstate exits after ten months.

i almost cried.

but after over 29 hours in the car, i was ready for my own bed.

my grandparents were saints, and helped drive me the 29 hours to k-town.

my grandfather is a history nut, so one of the stipulations of the cross country drive,

was that we had to stop at a couple of historical sites on our way. 

stopping at winter quarters, missouri and nauvoo, illinois only added two hours to the drive.

they have some great visitors centers at both places, 

and we were able to learn and see a lot of neat things.

and of course, my grandfather got to show his extensive knowledge of Church History.

the poor ladies at both visitors centers didn't hold a candlestick to his vast knowledge.

it was really cool though to learn more about church history at those two places.

the gorgeous nauvoo temple.
rebuilt in all its pre-fire glory.

since i have been home, i have been busy!

got two jobs.

have been to multiple doctors' offices.

been used as a pin cushion to get vaccines.

filled out paperwork for my mission for 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

and have gotten my t-shirt quilt almost ready for the quilters.

i am one doctors appointment and two interviews away from submitting my mission papers

and i am ecstatic!

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goals:

1. read and study the scriptures and Preach My Gospel daily.

2. finish my mission papers and get them submitted.

3. get my t-shirt quilt into the quilt shop.

4. go out with the sister missionaries at least one every two weeks.

5. practice the hymns so i can play more than two sufficiently.

one of the saddest weekends.

goal update:

1. i'm using an excuse that it got busy at work with the take down of everything, 

but i truly had the time. i just didn't make the time. 

and i've kind of missed the boat on the having it read by the time i get home. 

that day comes in four days!!

almost home bound. almost.

2.  the ball is currently in his court. i'm pretty sure of his answer,

but it's in his court.

3. i saw them on saturday at lagoon, 

and i was able to genuinely say "congratulations" to both their faces.

yea for small victories.

4. i have to compile a new list of addresses, 

because my list is very outdated at this point.

so many new missionaries, so many calls.

and no time to write them all.

5. progress is being made.

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i really hate goodbyes. and saying goodbye at lagoon was one of the hardest things ever.

living with a group of 30+ people every day, all day for five months,
really makes you a tight-knit group.

like seriously.

i had to say good-bye to one of my best guy friends
friday night after one of the most perfect dates ever.
he has helped me through a lot of relationship stuff, and is almost the perfect guy for me.
but it didn't fit right.

saturday morning came, and rae was going to come with me to lagoon,
but because of some homework and church things, she had to back out.
this was the start of one of the longest days ever. and one of the best.

one thing you should understand about me, i'm not a huge adrenaline junkie.
i do not enjoy rollercoasters; i like it when my stomach does not sit in my throat.
i found all my friends, and was able to hang out with everyone for a little bit.
thankfully, hilary was on the same page as me, and we hung out together.

there was a LOT of reminiscing and a lot of laughs.
the first time in almost two months that most of us were all together.
two of our bosses spent a lot of hours putting together a slideshow
of pictures of this summer and i almost cried on several occasions.

we got all of our bosses into the bumper cars and had a blast.
even watched two of the guys slingshot themselves into oblivion...
scary stuff.

i really don't love saying goodbye, and it was hard.
but it had to happen.

i will return.

the square dancer.

an update on my goal keeping.

1. not doing so hot. 

i went to utah to visit some family last weekend and it totally got me off. 

i spent sunday and monday in utah and i didn't read. 

terrible excuse, but i got off and i haven't gotten back on, yet. 

that's on the to-do list for today.

2. i really need to talk with him and 

i found my opportunity: this weekend we are going camping as a crew, 

and i think i can get a captive audience on the ride up to the campsite.

3. i have accepted it. he is getting married. 

in other news: BAMBI is engaged! Team Danny has won! 

4. i need to write one of my missionaries back 

because she was nice enough to write me!

 i missed the boat on my guam missionary (literally and figuratively), 

but i can message him now, so no need to waste a stamp.

5. getting better... but i could still use some improvement. and some = a lot still.

i took one of those online surveys yesterday because i was killing time before work 

(admittedly, i should have been packing or reading my scriptures or Preach My Gospel).

this one was titled "what type of dancer are you?" and

apparently i fit the profile of a square dancer.

i thought it rather fitting.

i love country music

i spent about five hours each week for two semesters dancing to country music.

these are the reasons they thought i fit the profile:
You are old-fashioned and you plan to stay that way.
Your values are old school and you make no apologies for it.
The music of today makes you shake your head
and wonder what the world has come to.

yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

this week.

is off to a rough start. like seriously.

monday was a long day. we didn't have a show that day, so the boss-men took the majority of the crew and went and played lumberjack on the mountain. 100 trees, cut for posts and rails, and 12 soaked and sore crew members later, they were really ready to come home. celeste, baby tiff, pat, and i were asked to stay down here and cover the office and prepare for the week. i helped pat in the office until lunch, and then celeste and baby tiff gave me a baptism by fire into the life of a cook. i helped make ranch, bagged brownies, sorted raw chicken, and pretty much just tried to keep up with these lovely ladies. we stopped a little early and had dinner ready for the crew when they got back. and we cleaned the house. but guess how long a clean house lasted. if you guessed less than 12 hours, you were right.

tuesday. can we just take a moment of silence that this day is over? like really. let me preface: two weeks ago, we got a phone call asking if a group of 200 people could come to the show. we can only take 170 people on ten wagons. 200 people would require bringing over two wagons that are used on the mountain and praying that they didn't bring any more people. we let the lady know we could work it out and the stressing began. the coordinator for the group decided that it would be too much of a distraction to have alcohol at the event (which is usually not allowed, but with private events, we give them the option, but they have to work it out and we just lay it out.) she sent us payment for the tickets, as well as the gratuity for the evening, a couple of days in advance, but then we got an email a couple of days ago, asking how many ABOVE 200 people they could go. we cried a little inside and said, we could do about 205 before we had to started strapping people to the top of the wagons. (sarcasm, of course.) we had a lot of people booked on the other show, so we had a double last night. which is UNHEARD of this late in the season [our last day is friday]. david, our foreman, pulled all sorts of strings and brought oodles of help in to drive teams and help the cooks feed 200 people before midnight. i don't know if i should be grateful or cry because i missed the opportunity to see a 12-wagon show, but the group didn't bring 30 people (something they can't even explain), but it relieved a huge burden for the cooks. feeding 200 people is a lot of chicken, beef, beans, corn, the works. and we don't have hours to get them from the chow-line. plus, it's a tad bit stressful to keep 200 people warm while it's 40 degrees outside and you only have enough lap blankets for about 170 of them. needless to say, david and chris were stressed. which in turn had pat stressed. who in turn had me stressed. it was a relief to have that crazy day OVER with.

and the week is about to get crazier. we will have 11 wagons on our last night and the next couple of nights are over 100 people. those are good sized shows for the end of the season. i'm excited for the next couple of days because anything will be easier than the last couple of days. let's just pray that no one else calls and asks to bring 200 people tomorrow.

trying to get better.

i need to get better at this goal keeping thing.

and i have seen it work to publish your goals and 

report on your progress every once in a while.

so here it goes.

1. read the Book of Mormon and study Preach My Gospel every day.

BONUS: have read all of Preach My Gospel by the time i get home in October.

2. figure out my dating/hanging out/cuddling situation.

{it's complicated...}

3. get over the fact that Great Cuddler is engaged to his missionary.

4. write my missionaries, especially the one that gets home in two weeks from Guam.

5. get better with daily prayers. no more falling asleep during my night prayers.

so people of the internet, until next week when i will 

hopefully have gotten somewhere with my goals.

coming to a close.

i have recently realized that this idealistic vacation summer is coming to a close. jackson's weather has begun to become erratic and extremely temperamental. last week, we had two days where i was freezing while wearing my long underwear and a long sleeve tshirt under my jeans, long socks, and long sleeved button up for work. and then the next day-- sunshine and rainbows, literally. the calendar marks are slowly getting too close to our last show and the memories are starting to flood. i made an album on facebook of most of the pictures that i have taken this summer. heaven knows that there are way more adventures than have been captured on film.




i also realized that i have been slacking severely on my study of the Book of Mormon and Preach My Gospel. i really need to work on that, so that i can be prepared to put my mission papers in! i have been waiting for this day for a while, and the day is coming more quickly than i had imagined. in just over a month, i will hopefully sitting in my bishop's office, starting the process!

two of the girls and three of the girls that i graduated with are in the mission field (which reminds me that it's time to start writing for the month...) and i can't wait to join them. one of my friends is serving in the mission that includes utah state, which is especially funny because she went to byu before her mission. just makes life that much more fun. i love her though, and i am so excited for her.

also, check out a blog for me. byuadventurous.blogspot.com  this is another one of the girls that i graduated with and she's pretty much the cutest.

where does the time go?

seriously, i feel like the summer still has months left in it. instead, there are just three short weeks between me and the beginning of a semester that i won't be participating in. maybe that's why i'm so lost. summer blends straight into fall for me, so there is no clear deadline for fun in the near future. my summer break extends clear into the fall break for my siblings.

so, where has the time gone? we made a weekend out of a stay in Grace, Idaho {aka the perfect small farming community.} i personally had a blast! we drove down friday night after show a few weeks ago and slept all over Momma Brady's house and lawn. we woke up the next morning to Momma Brady's delicious breakfast burritos and the discussion about some mexican salsa/pico de gallo. most of us spent the day wandering around Logan. i had some errands to run, so i went and saw Grandma Allen while i was there {but mostly to go shopping at Casa de la Grandma.}

once most of us were back from Logan, we helped Momma Brady with some outside chores as payback. because 20 hands make much lighter work than the two she was working with. ;) after the ground was good enough that she could lay seed, we went and did the only fun things to do in Grace: flooming and jumping at 60. what is that, you may ask? flooming is dangerously riding down the canal water down a floom {picture a slide suspended 200 feet above the river, and you have enough of an idea to get it} and then skipping across rotting boards laid along the top of the floom. jumping from 60 is about what it sounds like: jumping from a rock that extends over a spot in the river that is 60 feet deep. it was high enough, i probably could have attempted to tuck and roll, but i didn't get up the nerve to. a perfect summer bar-b-que and a sketchy game of kick the can later, we played a Bourne movie outside. one of those picturesque summer days full of dumb things you will probably never forget.

update on the love life: still sucks. Great Cuddler's missionary came home and i've been trying with futility to try and play it off cool. one of the girl's that i work with and Great Cuddler had a little stint, but they both agreed that it wasn't going to work and he apologized for dating someone after promising me that he wasn't going to date anyone because of the aforementioned missionary. a few weeks later, i get another cowboy to cuddle with. let's call him Cuddle Slut. he admits to it, so i don't feel bad about calling him one. Cuddle Slut is fantastic at the cuddle game. so good that i fell asleep in his arms for a solid week straight. no judgement needed. it was fantastic and i loved it. but then he stopped and we haven't cuddle since. so, please no judgement.

i got to ride a horse! and best thing about it: i got to do it for free! the resident Buckskin and i went on our day off and it was great. besides the saddle soreness that i had for the next three days. the views were amazing and the horse i had was pretty good. he seemed to really like the vegetation, but what horse doesn't?! let me just say, A-OK Corrals is the place to call up for a horseback-ride in Jackson. #shamelessplug

o yeah, and then this thing called a birthday happened. it's crazy, you wait all summer for one day to come, and then when that day comes, you can hardly believe it. and then the rest of the summer feels like it's running through an hourglass. nineteen was officially the dumbest birthday ever. except for maybe the gifts: birthday breakfast at Bubba's with Great Cuddler's cousin and Track Star {she's pretty much the best runner at ISU and is fantastic}, two new western shirts, a Jackson Hole t-shirt, a random collection of awesomeness from my friends, the most amazing orange Tennessee pants ever!, a "Home" t-shirt that my Momma made me and then a new belt for my new buckle! Momma Heather {the house cook} made me the most delicious Angel Food Cake with a strawberry glaze on it. i literally thought i was going to die of the perfection of it.

this past weekend was the Graves Family Reunion! this year, not at Lake Powell, but at Bear Lake. Grandma and Grandpa are on a mission, so we decided to do the reunion a little closer to them so that they could at least come up for the weekend. originally i was going to ask for the whole reunion off, but i decided to just take friday and saturday. friday i ended up spending as our "teenage outing" and driving around Ogden with Berkeley and Madeline and their EFY friend. it was different, but we had a lot of fun. Olive Garden, crazy selfies as we drove down the highway, and then a little bit of wasting time at Grandma and Grandpa's. i missed the sunny day at the beach, but we had a lot of fun. saturday we went up to Minnetoka Cave and hiked a 888-round trip stair cave route. 40 degrees constantly and up and down through the earth. i was originally nervous about hiking through a cave, but they have rock and metal stairs through the whole thing. we did end up spending a little bit of time on the beach, but unfortunately for me, it was in the evening on an overcast day. we played the cheeto-shaving cream-shower cap game with all the cousins and it ended up in a shaving cream-shoving fight. only a few people ended up with shaving cream in their eyes, but it was worth the little bit of pain. best fun that i have ever started with all the cousins. ;)




  

time.

what a weird four letter word. it holds so much power with it, too. 

it's bizarre to think that two years ago today, i was frantically finishing a presentation for the parents of governor's school participants. a year ago today, i was hanging out around the house, worrying about chores and packing for a road trip two weeks out. today, i'm worrying about getting the smoke out of the blankets i took camping last night and about getting a cowboy to pay enough attention to me to take me out. 

time. what a silly thing. my friends have their mission calls and are preparing for the fateful day when they will enter the MTC. other friends are fretting over the details of another fateful day: their wedding day. and yet others are worrying about getting all their summer vacation tucked into the next few weeks. then there's me, just worrying about my job, my crippled love life, and remembering people's names. 

time. it slips away from you. i can't believe that i haven't seen my sister in six weeks, my family in six months, some of my friends in over a year. it's just wrong. it makes me ache for the "good times" back. those careless summer nights when we played hide-and-go-seek in the backyard of nice neighbors. those crazy fall nights when i spent all night in a ridiculous costume, freezing my butt off, cheering for the football team. those awful spring nights where i was up until midnight or one am writing a paper. i'm gonna say it: i miss high school. don't get me wrong, there are something things i DON'T miss. but the simplicity of life sure was nice. i miss my laurel friends. the semi-adult life stinks, man.

i want the simplicity of life back. 

Summer Job 2k14

The most wonderful place ever. 

I'm working here for the summer and I love it. The atmosphere is fantastic and the people here love their jobs too. And I found a cute guy who seems to have the similar feelings for me. He's a good cuddle buddy and he found that secret ticklish spot and he likes to abuse its powers. But that's okay. I can get him to crumble because I know his ticklish spot. Muh-hahahahaha.

The summer has been great so far. I'm working for one of the beautiful local companies and I love it. The whole crew stays in the same house and it's a party always. If you want to do something, you've got three volunteers to go with you. I'm working at the office, but I still get to spend the time I want to around HORSES! I got to ride one early last week and it was amazing. I haven't ridden in a saddle, by myself in over 12 years. I rode a saddle-broke draft horse bareback a few years back, but that's a little bit different...
The horses that we work with are either 2000 lb behemoth draft horses or cute, "little" 1000 lb paint horses. I love it. My allergies don't, but ehh. A little Alavert and a nice bath afterwards and I'm totally fine!

One day after lunch, the majority of the crew decided that a back massage sounded amazing. I opted out on the account that I tended to make less than appropriate noises when I get a back massage unless I really think hard about not.

It started as a harmless pillow fight. Then, it escalated to a wrestling match wherein she ended up in the dirty, living room rug. Water got involved. And then the joke about "Round 3: Mud" was made and they took it seriously. He ended with a horse patty to the mouth/face and she ended up slam dunked into the dirt. They called it a draw.

I finally found some polish and took a few minutes (more like 30) to make them look beautiful. Yeah, then I got asked to poop scoop the next night and it's been downhill from there.

We had a crew game night at one of the boss's homes on Sunday and a few people ended up playing Twister. Then they moved to Swedish Twister (which doesn't require much, just some major flexibility). Then we played The Bucket Game. So. Much. Fun.
{The fun guy with the mustache is our resident Buckskin.
The one picking his noise is the cousin of Great Cuddler.
The dark-haired beauty is one of the cutest wranglers on staff.
The pretty blonde is my roommate and our wonderful housekeeper. }

There is a large group of crew members who will go out in the mornings before work and exercise.
Mentally insane, all of them.
But, one day this smaller subgroup decided to do some yoga and it was too much of an opportunity to pass up.

This is possibly the most popular view of the house: eyes shut. Even though my bedroom is right off the living room, I find it very difficult to make it to bed some nights. There are just a few couches that are too comfortable to move from. And then, add a good cuddler to the mix. Yeah, bad idea.
{This fellar is one of the main men on campus. He's kind of in charge of horses. Great guy. Not Great Cuddler.}

This cowgirl got a hat. This is one of the better outfits I have worn for show.

A Letter from the Babysitter.

I haven't babysat anyone in a while, but I learned a lot about what I do and do not like about children. I learned some neat parenting tricks and I got good at babysitting (or I would like to think that I did).

But here is a letter to the parents:

Your children are adorable. Yes, but they aren't angels. I have been around the block enough to know that they are different children when you aren't around. They may eat their food super well or listen to you when you ask them to clean, but that does not mean it will happen when I ask them. The do's and don'ts of babysitting from a babysitter:

Please don't have them take a nap super late in the afternoon. They don't go to bed well when I ask them to go to bed. It's not my fault if they are still awake when you get home. They just aren't tired yet. And yes, I did just let him scream and it did break my heart to let him do it.

Please do tell your children all the house rules before you leave. Because then I know them and I can make sure they don't get away with something they aren't supposed to. You may have told them they could have a cookie after dinner, and I feel like a terrible person telling them "no," but I don't know otherwise.

Please don't let your children sleep all together. They just stay up late and keep each other up. It just doesn't work.

Please do let me clean up, but don't have the house a mess when I show up. It's helpful when the kids help me clean up. It's also really nice to have the buckets/bins/shelves labelled or otherwise organized that I can tell what goes where. That way you don't have to undo what I did in my attempt to clean up.

I won't peruse your pantry looking for food. I'm not going to eat you out of house and home. I probably will sit down and enjoy a movie or Netflix when I am done cleaning your house and the kids are in bed. I'm not a bum; I'm trying to enjoy some "me" time. I am paying attention to the noises from the rest of the house to make sure that your kids aren't sneaking around.

I'm not going to invite my friends over. That's not okay by MY standards.

Thank you for your trust with your kids. I love them like siblings and I will try to be their friend while earning their respect.

Sincerely,
The Babysitter

ruining a friendship

I have ruined a friendship. And this is what I need to say. 

I shouldn't have let myself care. But I did. I let myself fall for a claimed man and my foolish heart thought I could change his mind and help him realize that I am better than she. I shouldn't have said or done anything to let him know I cared. I should have kept it bottled up. But now, it's too late. The beans have been spilled and he no longer wants me around. I have ruined a friendship. One I cared deeply about. I have ruined it by showing emotions. 

I should have guarded my heart. I should have let you go. I should have let you live your life and let me in as you saw fit. I should have been aloof and let you be with her. I have ruined a friendship. I have ruined it with my heart. 

I shouldn't have flirted. I shouldn't have shown you how I cared. I shouldn't have told you that someone cared and stood up for you when others were demeaning. I shouldn't have been around you, to let you know I cared. I should have been aloof. I should have let us never be in my mind. I have ruined a friendship. I have ruined it with love. 

I should have realized you didn't care about me. I should have realized that you liked another. I should have realized that the times you let me in were rare and that you let me in with care. I should have treasured the times you let me in and never begged for more. I just wanted you to show some of the emotions I knew you had. I just wanted you to ruin the friendship. I wanted you to ruin it with emotions. 

I wanted you. I want you still. But another claims your heart. Another holds you close. Another has the key that I will never be able to hold. Another doesn't realize how much I like you so. Another doesn't realize how much I wanted you to ruin the friendship. Another doesn't realize how much I wanted you to ruin it with your emotions. 

I was a terrible person. I wanted you to leave her. I wanted you for my own. I wanted to share a kiss. I wanted you to let me in. I wanted to ruin a friendship and be in a relationship. 

But that is all gone now. You have set me down. You have realized what a terrible player of the game of love I am. You have realized that I wanted in and you have pushed me out. I have ruined a friendship by showing how much I care.  

a case made.

boys always say that girls are super complicated.

well, can I make a case that the males in our lives are the reasons that we are deemed "complicated."

point number #1:
this one begins with a story. friday night, provolone, never nude, rae, panic, and i gathered some friends and went over to never nude's home for a bonfire and some *clean* fun. i invited HIM out of good friendship and thought nothing more of it. friday night came and we had made our way over with out friends. HE showed up late with an unexpected guest: a girl. that i had never met before. {now, before i sound like a jealous wench, let me say: no. i am not. but it did bug me that i got NO notice that HE was a bringing a girl, or even a friend along with.} i kind of let it go, and i brought them around to the rest of the party and he didn't even introduce her and she made no effort to do it either. the rest of the evening my roommates and friends festered over and were calling him slightly inappropriate things to the fire. {i feel bad for the fire; it never did anything to us to deserve the conversation that we had with it.} he and his friend-girl stayed to themselves, and the only words he said to me THE ENTIRE NIGHT were "[insert her name here] got called into work. see ya later. thanks." i was fuming. i waited until i could see his truck driving away before i screamed "a$$ hole" after his taillights. it felt good. point number one: my trust will not be given out so easily.

point number #2:
they all have to play the "rough and tough" game and so dang aloof the whole time. why?! we WANT to get to know you and we want to understand how your brain can work so differently than ours. i like it when i don't have to jump through flaming hoops to get to know you. girls act like we don't like you because we can't read your feelings for us and when we do show you our feelings, we just get trampled on. don't hurt us and then we can be less complicated. JUST LET US IN. point number two: we just want to understand you.

point number #3:
the brain is complicated. so is life. so naturally, we are both complicated in our own rights. but boys, more so.