little moments

grandma and i
in front of a statue of joseph & hyrum smith

grandma and grandpa bingham
in front of the nauvoo temple

grandpa bingham
explaining the use of a cellar

the rebuilt nauvoo temple

little did i know that this was going to be the last time 

i would spend time with grandpa.

and that hurts a lot.

three and a half years ago, we stopped in nauvoo, illinios to appreciate the time 

that the early lds saints had spent here and learn about the city 

they created on the crest of the mississippi river.

this would also be the last time i would

spend with my grandfather on this side of the veil.

grandpa was always willing to share a piece of the vast amount of knowledge

that he accrued over the years. i always begrudged the idea of riding in the car

with him because he really did always want to share something.

but now i wish i could take back every skipped ride

so i could just spend a few more minutes with him.

he was a strong man, both physically and spiritually.

i miss him like crazy, and every time i see a big green tractor

in the amber fields of grain, i have to choke back tears.

grandpa only heard me speak spanish fluently once.

over the phone, minutes before he passed away.

i can still remember that night like it was yesterday.

i was sitting in a lesson with a less active and her granddaughter.

we had just finished the closing prayer when i got a call from my mission president.

it was 7:15pm on a wednesday. 

he called and asked me where i was.

he calmly explained that my mother had called 

and that i needed to go home before she called me at 7:30pm.

he explained that my grandfather was in the hospital and

my family was worried that he wouldn't make it through the night.

i walked back home in a daze and barely said a word to my companion.

i sat down across from my companion at our desk and waited for the phone call

from +1 (865) mom-num#. 

as soon as i picked up the phone, i had a pit in the bottom of my stomach.

she explained that my grandfather had become seriously ill

since the slightly worrying, but otherwise normal, email i received on monday.

she told me that he was on a ventilator and that all the other grandchildren

had said their good-byes. i was the last one.

and i began to cry as i bore my testimony in a language that only he could understand.

i do not remember a single word that i said to him, in english or in spanish.

i just know that it was something special between him and i. 

i could hear the heart monitor begin to panic as i finished.

mom got back on the phone and said that it was time to go.

and that was the last time that i spoke to my grandfather.

i think i made it to the dial tone before i broke down crying.

my companion politely excused herself and left me alone with my thoughts.

i called my zone leaders and attempted to explain through my cries

that my grandfather had passed and that we wouldn't be continuing to work.

he vaguely said "uh huh" and hung up, too.

at this point i was ugly crying with snot, hiccups and giant gasps of air.

i poured myself onto my knees beside my bed and did the only thing

left that i could do: pray.

what words came out of my mouth and the language are all a blur.

all i could feel and remember was my stomach hitting the floor over and over

as the reality of that short ten minute phone call washed over me.

i remember having the impression to write about that day in my journal,

so i crawled over to the desk once more, sat next to my bed, and wrote for the next 45 minutes.

every heartache, every sob, every feeling was written down on a single page in my journal.

by the time i was finished writing, the sobs had subsided and i had a feeling of peace.

i would be able to make it through these next few days.

the emails that i would receive describing reunited family, beautiful eulogies,

and thoughtful flowers that we all knew grandpa would disapprove of,

wouldn't be the daggers in my heart i thought they would be.

i could survive.

my companion knocked on the door to the room and

asked if she could come in.

we planned, and i answered the next three phone calls with some difficulty:

the zone leader, looking to be comforting;

the sister leaders, who didn't quite grasp my grief;

and the mission president's wife, who let me grieve for just a moment 

before telling me to be strong and serve the lord with all energy of heart.

the next days were precious. i had some wonderful experiences with 

the scripture in doctrine and covenants: 

"and whoso receiveth you, there I will be also,

for I will go before your face. 

I will be on your right hand and on your left,

and my Spirit shall be in your hearts,

and mine angels round about you,

to bear you up."

i had never had such a personal fruition of a scripture

until that week. angels walked with us, and

most importantly, i knew that i was supposed

to be on a mission in nicaragua at that time.

little moments come and go,

and it is our duty to capture them.

take the crazy photos.

take the time to sit and chat.

put the phone down and enjoy the moment.

because they rarely last.

and they rarely come around again.

holiness to the lord.

friday was the day.

i posted these words on instagram and they are totally true

I love to see the temple, I'm going there today to feel the Holy Spirit, to listen and to pray. 

For the temple is a House of God, a place of love and beauty. 

I've prepared myself while I was young; this is my sacred duty.

ever since i was in primary, i have sung the song "I Love to See the Temple"

and sung about going inside some day.

up until last year, i always thought that it would so that i could be married in the temple

a few short weeks after.

but as i read my patriarchal blessing again, and began to understand that the Lord

wanted me to serve a mission, i have known that i would be going through the temple

so that a few weeks later, i could go and do what the Lord had commanded me to do:

serve the people.

friday was the day that i had spent years dreaming about.

what did the rest of the temple look like?

i had been inside of the atlanta temple before, during an open house,

and i remember being taken aback by the simple beauty there was to behold there.

what i didn't understand, is how much more beautiful it is after it had been dedicated.

sitting in the center of the temple, with people who love and support you, 

and with people you hardly know, yet share a common reason for being there,

is such an amazing feeling. 

there was another family there, taking their son through the temple

so that he would be prepared to serve as well.

he reports to the mexico city mtc a few weeks after i report to the provo one,

but the joy was there on his face that i felt in my heart.

there are many wonderful things that i can't discuss with you about the temple,

but the beauty still exists. the covenants i made there are special to me, 

and i don't want anyone to ever jeopardize that for me, or for themselves.

i know understand why the mission of the missionaries is to get investigators to the temple.

there are so many beautiful things that simply solidify the testimony that you have already.

if you can, go. prepare yourself, understand the proper reason for going.

and get yourself to the temple. 

"I urge all who have not yet received these greatest of all blessings within the walls of the temple to do whatever may be necessary to qualify to receive them."

-James E. Faust-

Life to Her Years

So a friend posted this link on Facebook, and I am missing my Daddy today, so I looked at it.

My Daddy did a pretty good job doing them all. Some of them he didn't do, but that's okay. I know he loves me.

So then I just went and checked out Michael Mitchell's wonderful blog/tumblr thing. And this one really made me miss my Daddy.

"A little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter: “Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don’t fall into the river.” 

The little girl said: “No, Dad. You hold my hand.”

“What’s the difference?” Asked the puzzled father.

“There’s a big difference,” replied the little girl.

“If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go."

from Thoughtful Mind via J.T. Scully

Isn't it beautiful?! I can't wait to see my Daddy tomorrow and to hold his hand and to have him hold my hand. I love that man and even though we often butted heads while I was in high school, all the pieces of advice that I stubbornly ignored in high school have come biting me in the butt in college. I love my daddy and he definitely knew what he was talking about when he gave me advice. 

I love you, Daddy. 

See you tomorrow. :)

something hard

The hardest thing of college so far? Missing all of the firsts. (wow, that sounded motherly.) But seriously, I miss seeing my brothers and sister off to their first day at their new schools. I missed the first day of seminary. And the hardest thing? Missing my parents' 19th wedding anniversary.

Nineteen years ago, on Tuesday, September 6, 1994, my parents were sealed for time and all eternity in this beautiful building:

And I couldn't be more glad that they were. I love them so much and I miss them so much. I know that my gift to them this year is miniscule, but I hope that they will like it. 

They say that a girl marries their favorite trait about their father. As I pondered what that actually is in my father, I thought about what I say when people ask me about my father. And I found my answer. He is so amazingly handy. He built my mother her dream kitchen. And he did it all himself. He added onto our house and only hired someone twice to do work, and it was only because he didn't have the time to do it himself: the boy next door to bring the shingles onto the roof, and someone to paint the exterior of the house. He is the resident mechanic. He landscapes and builds a garden each year. Plus, he can cook. 

Then I thought about my mother. My favorite trait about her. She is her own person and she is crafty. She decorates the house each season and has made a lot of the decorations for herself. She can create wonderful things from a little bit of fabric and thread. She is beautiful. She is amazing. She isn't afraid to get a little dirty and she can make the most wonderful food ever. 

And my favorite part of my parents: the fact that they aren't afraid to show me how much they love me. 

You remember this picture:

                                             
And this was my parents sometimes. But not always really. It was more along the lines of hugging her from behind and finding that ticklish spot and tickling her just to see her cringe and laugh. Along the lines of hello and good-bye kisses, no matter how much of a rush he is in to get to work. Along the lines of apologizing after the fight. Along the lines of being excited about sitting next to her at meals after almost fifteen years of sitting at opposite ends of the table because she can't stand hitting his outstretched feet under the table. It's really in all the little things.

And most of all, thank you Daddy for loving my mother like Sis. Dalton taught in this talk:

I love you guys and thank you for setting the perfect example of what an eternal couple should be like. I am so sorry that I can't be there this year, but I know that it's only the first of many anniversaries that I will miss. good luck Daddy with your new job. Good luck Mommy with all your crafts and work and every other thing you juggle. Happy anniversary.

time to grow up

Is it weird that I miss typing? That I miss my computer classes because I could sit and take notes with the computer. But that will soon become a reality when I can take my laptop anywhere and I can take notes on my laptop anytime I want. SCARY! College seems like such a great thing, but I am kind of scared about it. I mean, the experience sounds amazing, but the fact that it costs all this money…that’s the scary part. Loans, payment plans, interest payments. It’s all way too scary. I want to go back to complaining that $25 was too much to spend on something. Not $2,500 or $25,000. But that’s a fact of life: we grow up. The zeros pile onto our expenses as we try to pile them onto our paychecks. And that’s all we really can do, right? Is do our very best and pray that the Lord sees us through? Yes, that is all we can do. Be obedient, follow all of the commandments that the Lord has laid out for us and pray that your best scan be completed with the Lord’s merciful hand.

I am going to miss Tennessee. All of the friends, all of the family that I have made and have come to love, sentenced to a 1700 mile restraining order. It’s going to kill me. I love Tennessee. I can honestly say that I never thought I would say that. When I moved here in 2002, Tennessee was just going to be place #2 on the Map of My Heart. But now, Tennessee is number one. And it will always be. I’m officially a Tennessee Girl. Born in UT, but raised to love UT. It’s great to be a Tennessee Vol. Yes it is. Tennessee will always be a beautiful place. The rain, the wonderful shrubbery; all of it have no parallel. To be able to look out over one hill and see the next one, it’s all just so amazing. I thought when I was little that it was all one bad roller coaster, but man was I wrong. It’s all one beautiful valley that I get to call “Home” for forever more. “Never Let Go.” how fitting. You have to learn how to hold onto the past and learn from it. Never let go of those things that are important to you. Never let go of the values that you hold to be true. Never let go of your zeal for life. “Never letting go;” so much better than “YOLO” or any other lame catch phrase from this decade.

Live is going to be so different in the next couple of months. You talk about growing up fast. We leave for “life” in 18 days. And I don’t think that I am ready. I want to live in the security of home. I want to be able to see mom and dad every day. I don’t want to have to deal with all of the scary real life things: debt, living on my own. There are a few things that I can’t wait for though: to be a wife, to be called “Mommy,” and to be in charge of my own home. I want it so bad, but for some reason I know that it won’t be happening right away. The Lord has funny ways of revealing things to us, and I just have a feeling from reading my patriarchal blessing, from babysitting smaller children, and from being with my own siblings. I know that my husband and I will have some sort of teary good-bye. I will have some adorable children. I want this future, but at the same time I am so not ready for it. I want to be a child forever but I’m ready to grow up. When did decisions become so life-altering?! Goodness!

pinterest addictions

my life is a pinterest addiction. I have so many things pinned (over a thousand) and I have only really used it a little for actual real life problems/crafts/ideas.

this summer, I have decided to try and do what my friend has committed herself to do: do everything she has pinned on her boards. now, this is a lofty goal and there are some things that I can rule out (like my wedding and home based idea board) but I really want to actually use it. make some of those cute skirts, bags and such. actually read those books that I have pinned. build those cute outfits. check those items on my “to do list” off. I really need a buddy to do it with… any takers?

a forever sister

I am one lucky girl. I have a sister who I can't stay mad at. Like, seriously. I came into the world first, and I always joke that it was the best 35 minutes of my life. But I really don't think that any more. We've always been so close. The perfect epitome of two peas in a pod, perfect opposites, and of course, partners in crime. I love her dearly.

People always ask, who is your best friend? And the answer is her. She listens to me, she teases me, she understands my interesting moods and is always willing to talk. She is one of the few people who I can take an insulting comment from her, and then two seconds later be able to talk to her like it never happened. Love her!

One day, we were on our way home from school. I was angry at her for not answering her phone (not a huge shocker, she NEVER answers...) and within the eight minute car ride home, I had forgiven her and was laughing at something she had said, without any thought to the anger.

Sure, there are some days that I wish to strangle her. But I won't. Because I can't stay mad at her. There are some days that I need a good tease, or don't wish to tell the world something. But, she always seems to know what I am thinking about (none of that twin telepathy stuff, it's just coincidence and some pretty rocking brains at work), even if I haven't laid a single hint about it. I love her.

I can't wait to room together next year at school. People always say they couldn't live with their sister in a dorm room. I have seriously been doing it my entire life. I probably could count the number of months that I have NOT shared a  room/bed/sleeping area with Rachel on two hands. In almost 18 years. I am seriously not worried about it. We are just that awesome with one another. That we don't fight for extended periods of time. That we don't get on each other's nerves about certain habits (although it kind of bugs me when I can't find my clothes because she hasn't put away her laundry.). That we can complete each other's stories and comments.

We are just that awesome. Love you Rach!

passing the third grade

can you place all 48 contiguous states in the right spot? take this test and we will just see! lol i used to be able to do this test with a lot of time left, you i havent done it in a while.

tell me how well you did in a comment. haha i got 43/48

follow up

so you remember that post I did a couple of months ago on “prince charming and his many princesses”? well since then I have received some calming thoughts about that post (through my parents, some friends, and then a new friend-my patriarchal blessing). I wont share exactly what it says, but I does say that I will be happily married and be able to have a beautiful family of my own. and I took comfort to that because, yes, it will take time and I still have several years to get there, but my “happily ever after” will come and I will be able to live a happy life that maybe will have some of the Disney princess fantasies in it.

 

WHO KNOWS until it is upon them?

yet another childhood flashback

so my brother and sister found me and Rachel’s old Autumn Harvest dolls. (they are like American Girl dolls, but not). and they really wanted to dress the dolls up in the outfits that fit them. so I spent about a half hour racking my brain to remember where I put the dolls and which outfits fit which doll (because Julie got an American Girl doll from a friend and the outfits are just slightly larger, so they don’t fit quite right) and what the outfits even were. but they loved it, and surprisingly, Spencer and Christian were even into it. they were trying to decide which outfit went with a little camping set that we have. it was pretty funny.

but that just reminded me of all the endless hours me and Rachel spent doing the exact same thing: fighting over whose doll got to wear which outfit, who got to brush their hair first and which doll got to do the honors of being the one to sleep on the hammock overnight. those were the simple days hahaha before we all worried about cell phones and whether a certain someone liked us back or iPods and such.

I WANT THE GOOD TIMES BACK

childhood memories #4

so we don’t have school again today. so we are watching PBS and that means watching Barney and the rip off of Blue’s Clues, Super Why!  Of course im not excited about watching PBS, but that’s all that’s on!!  and of course watching Super Why makes me reminisce about sitting and watching endless hours of Blue’s Clues. I love watching Barney and I miss watching the quality TV that used to be on. TV now is not as it used to be when I was little.

I love Barney and Blue’s Clues. not this Joe version, the Steve episodes. those are the best!!!  but of course the time has come and gone for us to watch those episodes and the rotation as ended for those episodes. now we have to watch the other STUFF that’s on now.

o well. my childhood is over now… time for hannah and spencer to enjoy their childhood.

prince charming and his various princesses

throughout time, prince charming has been the hero in countless princess stories. he comes riding in on his magnificient and gorgeous horse, saves the day, and then the once distraught girl and her true love ride off into the sunset. recently i have been talking to a certain young man, and he has recently been sending me off to bed with a "good night princess" and "sweet dreams". isnt that adorable!? he is so kind and he really seems to understand me, and he compliments me even when he cant see me. he tells me im beautiful even when he knows that im wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. how sweet!

one day when i first started talking to him (via text, its cheaper that way) he made a comment about "the one"... saying something about how if there really is a girl out there for him, who is she?, do i know her?, do i see her everyday but just look right over her and not notice her? i thought that it was very thought provoking.

is there a person that really will complete you?
does it happen spontaneously like it does in Snow White, Aladdin, Cinderella, and The Little Mermaid?
or does it take time like it does in Beauty and the Beast?
is there a catharsis?
or does it just suddenly click?
are there really sparks?
is there anything about the love stories you read about in books true?
can the first one you fall in love with be the only one?

just some curious questions that i have for myself... thought id ask you guys for advice to these questions...

the real answer for me wont come until im much older and happily married. until then they are just sitting there in the back of my mind waiting for answers.

childhood memories two

recently i had the oppurtunity to feel like a child again. receiving letters in the mail has always been a thrill through elementary school and even now into high school. sending letters has its lags but its so much fun! writing thoughts and having a hard copy of that letter. even when you have to take some time to write down your thoughts. its sooo much fun!!

childhood memories three and SNOW

memory three is riding in the car and being scared to death of never making it home. that was last night. tennessee got a little bit of snow and unfortunately a lot of people in this town DONT know how to drive in snow. thus making this town VERY DANGEROUS to drive around in especially when the roads are dry underneath the snow. fortunately for us, the road was warmer than the snow when it started to snow, so the road had to cool down. by yesterday afternoon, the road was wet, but the snow was beginning to stick. yippee!! by about 730, the snow was sticking to the road by the inches. thank goodness dad had put new tires on the subarban earlier in the weekend and that the focus has front wheel drive. the snow plows had been around to some of the scarier back roads and had salted and cleared those roads. kingston pike had had some heavy traffic that day, so it was relatively safe and clear of snow.

we took the road about way to get home because we thought it would be the safest way, but unfortunately it probably wasnt. when we drove by our normal entrance to loop, they had salted and cleared the snow from that hill. we decided to go around though. it was too late. we went on a road that was almost as bad as loop road at the beginning. it was whindy and very scary. a car had STOPPED in front of an entrance making it very hard for mom to make it over that hill. mom almost skidded, but thank goodness made it over. we passed by an accident because they had skidded and nosedived into a roadside ditch. soo nerve racking. we finally made it to the home stretch but the scariest hill and corner were around the bend. we made it around the scariest turn- a completely BLIND turn- and into our neighborhood. we pulled over and put the  suburban into four-wheel drive (with the help of my father, NOT THE OWNERS MANUAL!!) and made it up the treacherous hill safely.

thank goodness.

our home teacher was going to be valiant and come and see us, but abandoned mission about half way here. decided it was too dangerous. but we did end up having a visitor. a friend from church came and gave us cinnamon rolls for helping them move. they have jsut moved here from utah, so he showed up in shorts, flip flops, and a tshirt!! (keep in mind that its like literally 3 degrees outside.) he had walked up our huge hill because his wife didnt want to drive up it (smart woman). we watched him literally shoe ski down the hill. it was great. hahaha but not entirely safe....

missing childhood

        sometimes i truly miss childhood. the simplicity of it all. not knowing all the gross and disgusting and truly sad things about the world, and life for that matter. not having homework every waking moment of your life. not having to worry about what is going to become of yourself if you fail your next quiz or test.
        some days i really miss those days, for selfish reasons and for otherwise a yearning for my life back then. (does that sound wrong, or weird to you?) i miss my family and friends from utah, and those that have moved while ive lived here. sometimes i yearn for the company of those people ive grown away from. i guess thats why the Lord allowed change: so we can learn new and different lessons from every oppurtunity in my life and so we can meet new people. high school has really opened my eyes to that. that, just because life has changed a lot since you were born into this world, or even since you walked into school the other morning, we have to learn from every waking moment of your lives. we all have things that we can apply to our lives from our daily experiences.

this is one of the things ive missed: swinging on the swing, and NOT getting sick.

do you remember when you were little and you would pump on the swing? and if you were pumping at the same time as your partner, you joked that you were in love? i just had that flash back and thought i would bring it up. its been a long time since i have found a swing that i can actually sit on and not get sick on, or have my feet not drag along on the ground. but being this old and my height, i guess that just ruins everything. haha not really though. i enjoy being outside with my siblings, but not long enough to actually be bored enough to swing on our swings we have in the backyard. o well :)