#lifeunfiltered

after a church meeting today,

one of my leaders handed me an article.

he simply said that he had shared it

with some other members of the congregation

in an previous meeting

and would like me to read it as well.

the story is about a girl who hides her life through filters.

and unfortunately hides her despair so well

her parents are blindsided by her suicide.

now, i don't know why this leader decided to share this with me.

because i assure you, i would never think of ending my life that way.

but maybe it wasn't for me.

maybe, i was just supposed to read it

and share my thoughts.

the article talks about how part of Madison, said girl,

must have struggled internally with the difference

between the life we are living on the inside

and the filtered life we are letting the outside world see us live.

"Even people you think are perfect are going through something difficult."
a taken from a post on Madison's Instagram account.

and it's so true.

today we talked about charity in our women's meeting.

and what it really means to be charitable.

sure it means to be "willing to bear one another's burdens ... 

to mourn with those that mourn, 

yea and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." 

and i think it goes so much further than that too.

"a compliment should be voiced

and a criticism should be hushed,

not the other way around."

--wise words of an institute teacher

we need to be more willing to truly listen to other people.

and let them understand our sorrows.

but we also need to see into the inside world they are living in.

truly try to understand their hurt.

so they can feel like someone is truly there that understands.

not just a friend with words.

i am not the best friend you could ever have.

but i find joy in lifting the fallen.

trying to emulate the savior.

and i am not trying to say any of this to get attention.

but maybe what we all need to do

is to look around us

and try to have a little love and understanding

for those around us.

strangers, friends, or family.

because you never know what another might be going through.

your words could be their saving grace.

literally.

my number is twenty-three

a couple of years ago,

i fell for a friend's post online

and had to write 23 things about myself.

some things haven't changed, yet other's have.

1. i still love country music. the only reason i ever listen to pop radio

is because the country stations are playing commercials.

2. i still love western swing dancing.

it's been a little rough getting back into the saddle post mission, but it's still a thing.

3. i have been to a concert. i saw scotty mccreery live for $5 as part of his "see you tonight" tour.

waiting outside the doors wasn't too bad when you have good company.
rhett, me, andrew

third row my friends. for $5.
thank you utah state.

4. i have shot a gun. lots of times. and most times i have a pretty good shot too,

wyoming mountains make the best backdrop for pictures

5. i am still better at fixing other people's problems.

my dad calls it perspective; i call it free therapy.

6. i must have skipped this one.

so, i'll make one up.

i know spanish.

y si, puedo entenderte cuando hablas de mi.

7. i work at a grocery store again. 

and some days are better than others.

like wednesdays. i like wednesdays.

fridays and mondays not so much.

8. i still automatically respond to people's comments.

thank you customer service jobs.

9. the number is a lot bigger than three now.

10. i am getting better at recognizing faces.

it's still hard, but i can thank the mission for that.

if you can remember a unique quality about them,

it helps a lot.

11. to  16. 

nothing has changed.

but allow me to digest something:

i am an accounting major.

and yes, i like it.

there are a lot of numbers,

but even more principles and concepts to remember.

#appreciate_your_accountant

17. i found out that i won't have to take a calculus class

or any more math-intensive classes to graduate

and i cried a little tear of gratitude.

18. i now live with only three other girls.

and we are each other's sounding boards.

no hard feelings here!

19. my love life is still interesting like string theory,

but at least it's engaging now.

(no, that was not an announcement)

20. more than words can recount.

21. i have fixed myself of this habit.

(thank you mission)

but sometimes, it would be nice

to knock some sense into people.

22. that one has changed.

to quote keith urban,

"to, to kiss and tell, it's just not my style."

23. beards are still one of the most attractive things ever.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

these kinds of posts are kind of fun to write,

because i get to see my personal growth.

somethings haven't changed,

and i guess that just makes me, me.

progress is made

and i am thankful for the memories

that mark those changes.

thank you.

the rsm life

i am just going to put this out now:

the rsm life is a lot different than i thought it would be.

i will be honest with you:

i thought that being a sister missionary would change

more than it did.

now, allow me to explain two parts.

part 1: the idea

when i got home, i was expecting a crowd of friends from the ward or stake.

i was expecting that in the ensuing weeks between being home and starting school,

that i would go on a few dates, figure out a few more things about this "new" world.

then i would move into a new ward at school and it all would be different.

people would treat me differently because i had served a mission.

i would get asked on dates, have some more friends.

i needed to find a job, and preferably one that paid better than minimum wage.

i needed to start over. reinvent.

but still be me.

part 2: the reality

coming home off the plane, i had just left my companion in the airport an hour ago.

i had been awake since three am that morning, with only about five hours of sleep.

i had just left home in an alternate universe, and was stepping into reality again.

and i was just excited to hug my daddy.

i got off the plane. i tried to be one of the last ones off the plane,

and thanks to "missionary seating" as i like to call it, it wasn't a difficult feat.

and then i ran down the tarmac, left my luggage in the walk way

and hugged my daddy for the first time in eighteen months.

and then the rest of the family each got their hug, and it was all just a blur.

we took some pictures with the lovely people who had come to see me home

like my favorite young women's leader, kari kah

of course, the family. grandparents included.

and the wonderful tennessee family, as i would call it

fackrells, sis pesci, sis kah and son, vaughns.

i couldn't be happier with that happy moment. 

it truly was surreal to be in the knoxville airport again.

i had dreamt of the moment so many times, that it all played out like exactly that:

a dream.

we drove home. the wind had destroyed a wonderful sign that my siblings had poured their hearts into making, but it was a play on a sign that my aunts made for me before i left

and so it said:

welcome home janelle.

daddy had a nice little surprise for me in the driveway

a "gift" that i had requested.

and he let me drive it to the church to be set apart....

crazy father.

but anyway. i showed everyone some nicaraguan culture

and shared a few trinkets that i had brought home.

and then real life hit.

i was no longer a missionary. 

i was no longer a representative of

la iglesia de jesucristo de los santos de los ultimos dias.

i was no longer hermana graves.

i was janelle again.

and it hurt like heck

it's been said that as a missionary, you are set apart from the world.

and i promise you, it's true.

the lord walks beside you, and there are moments if you catch the light just right

you can see him there in the companionship.

there are no words that describe the feelings of complete exhaustion or complete excitement

at the end of the day.

a good day is one where everything went as planned, where nothing went planned,

or when nothing and everything went as planned.

but it was all okay, because you were on the lord's errand.

stepping out of that limelight was really hard.

because it was no longer about you being a missionary,

it was about you being a return missionary with all these things to do for you now.

going to rant: i hate it when people how my mission was and 

are satisfied with the answer ::great, thanks.::

i spent eighteen months serving the lord.

the word great does not do it justice.

i appreciate the thought of asking, but let me tell you a little bit about it.

i did not get along with all my companions. but i love them all.

i had a lot of converts who are not currently active in the church. and that hurts.

but then i also have a few converts who are strong. a few who have chosen the higher road.

i did not always have success.

but i was successful.

my mission was

invite others to come unto Christ by helping them receive the restored gospel,

through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His Atonement, repentance,

baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end. 

and i did it. 

and when i got home, i had no mission statement.

i had a few plans, but definitely no mission call.

and i was lost.

my extended family came and went,

and my family tried to finish their summer strong.

i went to the temple for the first time in almost eighteen months

and made it through a session without crying for joy.

but i was wandering.

then i picked up a job for a couple of weeks and was doing something again.

being out of the house, thinking of all the things that had changed.

friends married, with children, others engaged.

it all came down to same:

i felt like the time had just been frozen on the home front

but coming to terms with all the changes was difficult.

i really had to start from basically ground zero with everything.

for my birthday, my mom bought me a new wardrobe for the "post mish me."

a new phone. a new vehicle. a new job.

a new life.

and now here we are.

seven weeks home from the mission.

and still awkward as crap.

i haven't been ask on very many social outings.

i moved into the new ward, but don't have very many friends yet.

i love my roommates. i like my new classes.

i found a great job in the bakery at a local grocery store.

and i am no closer to figuring out a few more things about life than i was seven weeks ago.

the visions of being treated differently because i am a rsm are not what i thought them to be.

i'm just another one in the crowd. 

and it's taken some time to get adjusted to that.

i don't like being one of the crowd for very long.

and like a friend once told me "you jumped on that bandwagon."

the mission was an amazing experience where i got to see the lord bless his obedient servants.

i have seen many people change their lives and continue to change themselves because of the message that we as missionaries shared with them and their relatives and friends.

i have seen what happens to missionaries that follow the promptings of the spirit.

i have witnessed first hand the lord's hand of protection in my life and that of my companion.

i have seen the light of christ in the eyes of a boy willing to follow jesus with all energy of heart that he tells his mother to go to church every week. 

i have seen the hand of the lord in so many ways.

and now i am having a light problem and can't see through it.

in my institute class yesterday, my teacher began class with the story of the brother of jared.

when the brother of jared was given the instructions to build a ship, he went and did.

and then realized a couple of problems: no light, no air, and no steering.

the brother of jared then goes to the lord and converses with him of these dilemmas.

 the lord quickly responds that he will take care of the need for steering, and the plans were given to him to create air holes. but then the lord says: 

"what do you want me to do? i can't just give you everything."

he give him parameters, some guidance. and then says: "alright, go."

and this is where the miracle comes in:

if the brother of jared hadn't had his 'light problems', he would have missed the opportunity to 

see the savior.

that's right: without trials, he wouldn't have been able to grow enough,

to show the sufficient faith, to see first, the finger of the lord,

and then the body of the christ. 

the savior awaits to show himself unto us,

but we must muddle through and solve our light problems first.

god has given us the commandments (our own parameters)

and is giving us real time commentary on what to do (general conference, anybody?)

and there's more.

the brother of jared went and did.

he brainstormed and thought of something.

he acted

and created sixteen small stones out of rock.

but they would have just been rocks, without the ability to give off light

if the lord had not touched them.

we can do all the work.

we can go and act, and do, and be busy

trying to solve our light problems.

but if we don't accept that the lord has to help us,

that we can't do it all by ourselves

our efforts are just rocks.

right now, i guess it's time to re-evaluate my light problems,

turn them into rocks,

and have the faith in jesus christ

to ask him to turn them into the stones that will

"shine forth in darkness."

pray as though it all depended on God.

work as though everything depended on you.

-saint augustine

a married twin.

before i left on my mission, 

i shared some deep thoughts about rae,

and the love i have for her.

well somethings never change.

sure i have to share her now,

but there are worst things.

all my life i have felt like the pioneer of the family.

the example that everyone looked up to.

and it never really bugged me.

i honestly love being about to look at what others have done

and improving. make it all my own. 

and having someone there to take it from me

and keep it going.

i think that's honestly why i loved training sisters on my mission.

it was difficult, and there were several weepy nights,

but i grew.

and as i read emails from my family each week,

i realized that we were all growing.

sometimes when you don't see the progress daily

you see the progress actually happening.

the "ah ha" moment after you step back

and get a better view.

rae got married. 

and it was probably the hardest thing for me to grasp.

because one, IT'S A HUGE DEAL.

and two, it's an important first that i didn't make first.

and i was kind of jealous for a little.

(after getting over the initial shock of a having an engaged twin sister).

i couldn't be the first daughter married.

but then it hurt.

because she would have to take this journey without my full attention.

i was just another friend, far far away.

growing up is kind of hard...

and watching your best friend do it alone

was really hard.

but you know what?

she did it.

photo creds to a twist of lemon photography

and dang didn't she look good doing it.

now that i have met my brother in law in person

it makes the realization that she is married a little easier.

i know that eric is a good man,

and that he will treat her right.

she's in good hands.

and now we can do a lot of things that it hurt me not to be able to do.

we can go to the temple together (check!)

we can talk about all that we have seen.

and we can enjoy the promise that if we are faithful,

we will have eternal life.

"Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, 

feasting upon the word of Christ,

and endure to the end, 

behold, thus saith the Father: 

Ye shall have eternal life."

2 nephi 31:20

isn't that promise enough to make you happy forever?

sisterly firsts

everybody asks what it is like having a twin sister.

imagine having your best friend with you all the time.

imagine being able to talk about anything and everything,

and she understands because she lives your life.

this statement is entirely true, because i have something

imperative to tell her every other second.

this year has been hard because the longest we have ever spent apart was this summer.

in nineteen years, the longest we had ever been apart was two weeks.

until this summer when i left her in logan the first weekend in may,

and didn't see her again until the middle of august.

hardest three and a half months of my life.

but, heaven knows it was a trial run of what my mission is going to be like.

as a kid, the teacher asks you who your best friend is,

and my answer was always rae.

i didn't have many "best friends" in school,

but rae was always there.

we walked through life together.

we started elementary school together.

we walked through the doors to middle school together.

high school was an adventure we took on together.

college was a life changer we supported each other through.

 i can't imagine walking onto a plane by myself,

meeting my future without her.

i'm tearing up just thinking about it.

firsts are always something we supported each other through.

rae got her first glasses and i was there to tell her she looked good in them.

rae judged me as i tried on my first colorguard uniform.

we were in the car together when we took our newly issued permits for the first spin.

we entered the temple together on our first time.

our first cross country drive was together.

and so many more.

but there are some firsts i haven't shared with her,

and firsts she hasn't shared with me.

i can't share or talk with her about the experiences of being endowed.

i can't show her the feelings i have about the people that i worked with this summer.

there are some feelings that i can't show her and it hurts.

i can't talk with her about her boyfriend,

because i've never had one.

i can give her advice based on the things i have seen from her life.

i am that voice of reason in the back of her head

that says "five dates before you bring him to meet the family."

the voice that says "i approve" and makes the relationship legit.

she trusts me, and i trust her.

there are so many things i want to share with her about the things i saw

in the temple, but i can't talk to her about them, mostly because

she can't go there with me. and it's killing me.

and there is nothing more in the world that i want than to share that with her.

there are so many beautiful things in the temple that i want to discuss

and she can't do it with me.

sure, i have my mom or my dad, or my wonderful family.

but i want my sister.

we will always be best friends.

we will always be the ones we turn to for advice.

but we are our own person and this is where the road takes us apart for a time.

but the roads run parallel, and we will be together. forever.

my mom always encouraged us to be our own person.

we never walked around in matching outfits.

coordinating, maybe, but never matching.

we were given the option: 

band or orchestra?

red or green?

vanilla or chocolate?

alone or together?

and in many ways, we are complete opposites.

i loved band. rae thrived at orchestra.

i love red, rae prefers the cooler color of green.

i love vanilla, she loves the chocolate heart attack of rocky road.

i love the silence of being alone, rae loves the social life.

but we dragged each other into each others lives.

rae drug me into so many dumb social activities that i ended up loving.

i got rae to enjoy vanilla bean ice cream.

but, we still support each other in our differences.

orchestra concerts are terribly boring, but i went.

rae went to football games for the social aspect, but loved to watch me perform.

we compliment each other.

we are each other's person.

she's my person.

forty-seven days and counting

as peach, from finding nemo, would say,

“today’s the day, the sun is shining, the tank is clean!”

today was the fateful day, when it all changed!

i woke up expecting a normal day with mom before having to go to work this evening. i was folding laundry when one of us said that we need to talk with all my aunts and uncles to see what the best way was to include everyone in the “big reveal,” when i got my mission call.

little did i know that that plan was pointless.

i was out running some errands when i got a phone call from my mother. nothing out of the ordinary, just thought that she needed me to pick something up from kroger. she said two words before i started to scream: “it’s here.”

i was so excited, and bug was just sitting there looking at me like i had a third eye and telling me that people in the surrounding cars where giving me weird looks. i didn't even care at that point. all i wanted was to get everyone home from school, daddy home from work, rae on the phone, and to rip open the packet and see where i was going. i knew that i had to wait at least until at least three to open the packet because the three youngest siblings were all on the bus. and it was KILLING me.

according to the text messages, and the voicemails i had left that morning, if i got it this weekend, i would be opening it on sunday evening. we would broadcast it to the two grandparents’ houses, and then try and be on at least speakerphone with the rest of the aunts and uncles.

thirty minutes later, we had called both sets of grandparents, rae was on skype with us, and i was opening the most amazing white envelope ever.

(my hands are shaking just thinking about it now.)

i carefully ripped open the envelope and almost collapsed when i skipped to the good part and saw where i was going.

the video that bug put on instagram makes me sound like i am three years old, but i don’t care. i was just so excited and i just couldn't wait to read the rest of it, but my family was DYING of anticipation.

so I carefully read the words:

“dear sister janelle sara graves, you are hereby called to serve as a missionary for
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. you are assigned to labor in the nicaragua managua south mission. it is anticipated that you will serve for a period of eighteen months.

you should report to the provo missionary training center on wednesday, january 7th, 2015. you will prepare to preach the gospel in the spanish language. your assignment may be modified according to the needs of the mission president.”

i was so excited, i was crying

{i’m not a huge crier, so this was big.}

my siblings by this point had been reduced to tears, hugs, and cries of “yeah!!”

my parents were a mess, and my grandparents were just plain excited for me.

rae did okay with the news, but it hit her really hard that she was eighteen hundred miles away and unable to be there, so we resorted to hugging our respective electronic devices. it was comforting, but i wish she could have been there.

the scary part of it all:

i have to be ready to report in forty-seven days.

and i still have to make it through holiday with my two jobs.

 i can do this. luckily, one of my bosses is also a member of the Church, 

and so when i gave him a call today, 

he was totally understanding and willing to work with me about 

when my last day was going to be with them. 

now, just to figure out how to break it to my retail job…

forty-seven days.

it just hit me.

i’m going on a mission.

this is for-realz happening.

i am going to serve the people of NICARAGUA.

breathe.

no shave november

it's pretty much the most fun month ever.

let me explain:

I LOVE BEARDS.

spending the next eighteen months 

around beardless men

may be a little interesting for me. 

mostly because,

beards are the best thing ever.

i mean, this guy rocked a beard:

so anyone can rock a beard.

well, except for maybe this guy/woman/it:

no michael jackson, 

just no. 

you don't deserve a beard.

this is a very accurate description of it all.

my three rules about beards:

-1- keep it trimmed, even if you are growing it out.

i shave my legs for you, you can keep your beard trimmed.

-2- i understand that your beard doesn't grow all the way in,

it takes a special man to have a full and non-patchy beard.

i will take it as it is, but don't complain about it.

-3- do not look like the bush man. keep it shaped.

but i'll just leave you with this:

the square dancer.

an update on my goal keeping.

1. not doing so hot. 

i went to utah to visit some family last weekend and it totally got me off. 

i spent sunday and monday in utah and i didn't read. 

terrible excuse, but i got off and i haven't gotten back on, yet. 

that's on the to-do list for today.

2. i really need to talk with him and 

i found my opportunity: this weekend we are going camping as a crew, 

and i think i can get a captive audience on the ride up to the campsite.

3. i have accepted it. he is getting married. 

in other news: BAMBI is engaged! Team Danny has won! 

4. i need to write one of my missionaries back 

because she was nice enough to write me!

 i missed the boat on my guam missionary (literally and figuratively), 

but i can message him now, so no need to waste a stamp.

5. getting better... but i could still use some improvement. and some = a lot still.

i took one of those online surveys yesterday because i was killing time before work 

(admittedly, i should have been packing or reading my scriptures or Preach My Gospel).

this one was titled "what type of dancer are you?" and

apparently i fit the profile of a square dancer.

i thought it rather fitting.

i love country music

i spent about five hours each week for two semesters dancing to country music.

these are the reasons they thought i fit the profile:
You are old-fashioned and you plan to stay that way.
Your values are old school and you make no apologies for it.
The music of today makes you shake your head
and wonder what the world has come to.

yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

where does the time go?

seriously, i feel like the summer still has months left in it. instead, there are just three short weeks between me and the beginning of a semester that i won't be participating in. maybe that's why i'm so lost. summer blends straight into fall for me, so there is no clear deadline for fun in the near future. my summer break extends clear into the fall break for my siblings.

so, where has the time gone? we made a weekend out of a stay in Grace, Idaho {aka the perfect small farming community.} i personally had a blast! we drove down friday night after show a few weeks ago and slept all over Momma Brady's house and lawn. we woke up the next morning to Momma Brady's delicious breakfast burritos and the discussion about some mexican salsa/pico de gallo. most of us spent the day wandering around Logan. i had some errands to run, so i went and saw Grandma Allen while i was there {but mostly to go shopping at Casa de la Grandma.}

once most of us were back from Logan, we helped Momma Brady with some outside chores as payback. because 20 hands make much lighter work than the two she was working with. ;) after the ground was good enough that she could lay seed, we went and did the only fun things to do in Grace: flooming and jumping at 60. what is that, you may ask? flooming is dangerously riding down the canal water down a floom {picture a slide suspended 200 feet above the river, and you have enough of an idea to get it} and then skipping across rotting boards laid along the top of the floom. jumping from 60 is about what it sounds like: jumping from a rock that extends over a spot in the river that is 60 feet deep. it was high enough, i probably could have attempted to tuck and roll, but i didn't get up the nerve to. a perfect summer bar-b-que and a sketchy game of kick the can later, we played a Bourne movie outside. one of those picturesque summer days full of dumb things you will probably never forget.

update on the love life: still sucks. Great Cuddler's missionary came home and i've been trying with futility to try and play it off cool. one of the girl's that i work with and Great Cuddler had a little stint, but they both agreed that it wasn't going to work and he apologized for dating someone after promising me that he wasn't going to date anyone because of the aforementioned missionary. a few weeks later, i get another cowboy to cuddle with. let's call him Cuddle Slut. he admits to it, so i don't feel bad about calling him one. Cuddle Slut is fantastic at the cuddle game. so good that i fell asleep in his arms for a solid week straight. no judgement needed. it was fantastic and i loved it. but then he stopped and we haven't cuddle since. so, please no judgement.

i got to ride a horse! and best thing about it: i got to do it for free! the resident Buckskin and i went on our day off and it was great. besides the saddle soreness that i had for the next three days. the views were amazing and the horse i had was pretty good. he seemed to really like the vegetation, but what horse doesn't?! let me just say, A-OK Corrals is the place to call up for a horseback-ride in Jackson. #shamelessplug

o yeah, and then this thing called a birthday happened. it's crazy, you wait all summer for one day to come, and then when that day comes, you can hardly believe it. and then the rest of the summer feels like it's running through an hourglass. nineteen was officially the dumbest birthday ever. except for maybe the gifts: birthday breakfast at Bubba's with Great Cuddler's cousin and Track Star {she's pretty much the best runner at ISU and is fantastic}, two new western shirts, a Jackson Hole t-shirt, a random collection of awesomeness from my friends, the most amazing orange Tennessee pants ever!, a "Home" t-shirt that my Momma made me and then a new belt for my new buckle! Momma Heather {the house cook} made me the most delicious Angel Food Cake with a strawberry glaze on it. i literally thought i was going to die of the perfection of it.

this past weekend was the Graves Family Reunion! this year, not at Lake Powell, but at Bear Lake. Grandma and Grandpa are on a mission, so we decided to do the reunion a little closer to them so that they could at least come up for the weekend. originally i was going to ask for the whole reunion off, but i decided to just take friday and saturday. friday i ended up spending as our "teenage outing" and driving around Ogden with Berkeley and Madeline and their EFY friend. it was different, but we had a lot of fun. Olive Garden, crazy selfies as we drove down the highway, and then a little bit of wasting time at Grandma and Grandpa's. i missed the sunny day at the beach, but we had a lot of fun. saturday we went up to Minnetoka Cave and hiked a 888-round trip stair cave route. 40 degrees constantly and up and down through the earth. i was originally nervous about hiking through a cave, but they have rock and metal stairs through the whole thing. we did end up spending a little bit of time on the beach, but unfortunately for me, it was in the evening on an overcast day. we played the cheeto-shaving cream-shower cap game with all the cousins and it ended up in a shaving cream-shoving fight. only a few people ended up with shaving cream in their eyes, but it was worth the little bit of pain. best fun that i have ever started with all the cousins. ;)




  

ruining a friendship

I have ruined a friendship. And this is what I need to say. 

I shouldn't have let myself care. But I did. I let myself fall for a claimed man and my foolish heart thought I could change his mind and help him realize that I am better than she. I shouldn't have said or done anything to let him know I cared. I should have kept it bottled up. But now, it's too late. The beans have been spilled and he no longer wants me around. I have ruined a friendship. One I cared deeply about. I have ruined it by showing emotions. 

I should have guarded my heart. I should have let you go. I should have let you live your life and let me in as you saw fit. I should have been aloof and let you be with her. I have ruined a friendship. I have ruined it with my heart. 

I shouldn't have flirted. I shouldn't have shown you how I cared. I shouldn't have told you that someone cared and stood up for you when others were demeaning. I shouldn't have been around you, to let you know I cared. I should have been aloof. I should have let us never be in my mind. I have ruined a friendship. I have ruined it with love. 

I should have realized you didn't care about me. I should have realized that you liked another. I should have realized that the times you let me in were rare and that you let me in with care. I should have treasured the times you let me in and never begged for more. I just wanted you to show some of the emotions I knew you had. I just wanted you to ruin the friendship. I wanted you to ruin it with emotions. 

I wanted you. I want you still. But another claims your heart. Another holds you close. Another has the key that I will never be able to hold. Another doesn't realize how much I like you so. Another doesn't realize how much I wanted you to ruin the friendship. Another doesn't realize how much I wanted you to ruin it with your emotions. 

I was a terrible person. I wanted you to leave her. I wanted you for my own. I wanted to share a kiss. I wanted you to let me in. I wanted to ruin a friendship and be in a relationship. 

But that is all gone now. You have set me down. You have realized what a terrible player of the game of love I am. You have realized that I wanted in and you have pushed me out. I have ruined a friendship by showing how much I care.  

a case made.

boys always say that girls are super complicated.

well, can I make a case that the males in our lives are the reasons that we are deemed "complicated."

point number #1:
this one begins with a story. friday night, provolone, never nude, rae, panic, and i gathered some friends and went over to never nude's home for a bonfire and some *clean* fun. i invited HIM out of good friendship and thought nothing more of it. friday night came and we had made our way over with out friends. HE showed up late with an unexpected guest: a girl. that i had never met before. {now, before i sound like a jealous wench, let me say: no. i am not. but it did bug me that i got NO notice that HE was a bringing a girl, or even a friend along with.} i kind of let it go, and i brought them around to the rest of the party and he didn't even introduce her and she made no effort to do it either. the rest of the evening my roommates and friends festered over and were calling him slightly inappropriate things to the fire. {i feel bad for the fire; it never did anything to us to deserve the conversation that we had with it.} he and his friend-girl stayed to themselves, and the only words he said to me THE ENTIRE NIGHT were "[insert her name here] got called into work. see ya later. thanks." i was fuming. i waited until i could see his truck driving away before i screamed "a$$ hole" after his taillights. it felt good. point number one: my trust will not be given out so easily.

point number #2:
they all have to play the "rough and tough" game and so dang aloof the whole time. why?! we WANT to get to know you and we want to understand how your brain can work so differently than ours. i like it when i don't have to jump through flaming hoops to get to know you. girls act like we don't like you because we can't read your feelings for us and when we do show you our feelings, we just get trampled on. don't hurt us and then we can be less complicated. JUST LET US IN. point number two: we just want to understand you.

point number #3:
the brain is complicated. so is life. so naturally, we are both complicated in our own rights. but boys, more so.

never been kissed.

everyone always asks me how it is that I am in college and never been kissed. it's a rather simple answer, really. the opportunity never presented itself. I was one of those girls who never really had a serious relationship in high school and the guys here at college have been all talk and no action. 

the next question is always, "do you want to be kissed?" yes, I do. but I was always taught and shown that kisses are something to be treasured, not something that you share with the whole pond of frogs. I am sure the time will come when I do have my first kiss, but for now, I will be contempt with my unkissed lips and realize that it won't be magical. 

this has been another rant, and probably overpersonal blog post. 

Life to Her Years

So a friend posted this link on Facebook, and I am missing my Daddy today, so I looked at it.

My Daddy did a pretty good job doing them all. Some of them he didn't do, but that's okay. I know he loves me.

So then I just went and checked out Michael Mitchell's wonderful blog/tumblr thing. And this one really made me miss my Daddy.

"A little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter: “Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don’t fall into the river.” 

The little girl said: “No, Dad. You hold my hand.”

“What’s the difference?” Asked the puzzled father.

“There’s a big difference,” replied the little girl.

“If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go."

from Thoughtful Mind via J.T. Scully

Isn't it beautiful?! I can't wait to see my Daddy tomorrow and to hold his hand and to have him hold my hand. I love that man and even though we often butted heads while I was in high school, all the pieces of advice that I stubbornly ignored in high school have come biting me in the butt in college. I love my daddy and he definitely knew what he was talking about when he gave me advice. 

I love you, Daddy. 

See you tomorrow. :)

a love-ly update

my love life is seriously in the tanks.

the guy that i did like is practically in love with another girl who is just waiting through the days before she goes on her mission. i have done pretty much everything to try and be cool and be his friend, but that just wasn't working for me. i was letting him string me out and i finally had enough of it last wednesday at swing dancing. he spent the entire evening attached to her like she was his girlfriend and if i am honest with myself, i was so jealous. i wanted him to be looking at me like that, like i was the girl that he wanted to spend time with, not the clingy girl that needs affirmation from him. so after i dropped off my passengers off at the apartment, i went and spent some time in the car, writing down my last good-bye down on a napkin. yea, a napkin.

i wrote down all the feelings that i had and told him everything that i had ever wanted to say. but i can't tell bring myself to tell him about. to go up to him and tell him.

so i really have no idea what to do, except to avoid looking for his truck in the parking lot and try and connect with other people at swing dancing. to not hang around him and try not to get him to ask me for a dance. to finally heed my parents' and ryan's advice and make him do the work. be a girl for once and let him do the work.

and how difficult that is proving.

something hard

The hardest thing of college so far? Missing all of the firsts. (wow, that sounded motherly.) But seriously, I miss seeing my brothers and sister off to their first day at their new schools. I missed the first day of seminary. And the hardest thing? Missing my parents' 19th wedding anniversary.

Nineteen years ago, on Tuesday, September 6, 1994, my parents were sealed for time and all eternity in this beautiful building:

And I couldn't be more glad that they were. I love them so much and I miss them so much. I know that my gift to them this year is miniscule, but I hope that they will like it. 

They say that a girl marries their favorite trait about their father. As I pondered what that actually is in my father, I thought about what I say when people ask me about my father. And I found my answer. He is so amazingly handy. He built my mother her dream kitchen. And he did it all himself. He added onto our house and only hired someone twice to do work, and it was only because he didn't have the time to do it himself: the boy next door to bring the shingles onto the roof, and someone to paint the exterior of the house. He is the resident mechanic. He landscapes and builds a garden each year. Plus, he can cook. 

Then I thought about my mother. My favorite trait about her. She is her own person and she is crafty. She decorates the house each season and has made a lot of the decorations for herself. She can create wonderful things from a little bit of fabric and thread. She is beautiful. She is amazing. She isn't afraid to get a little dirty and she can make the most wonderful food ever. 

And my favorite part of my parents: the fact that they aren't afraid to show me how much they love me. 

You remember this picture:

                                             
And this was my parents sometimes. But not always really. It was more along the lines of hugging her from behind and finding that ticklish spot and tickling her just to see her cringe and laugh. Along the lines of hello and good-bye kisses, no matter how much of a rush he is in to get to work. Along the lines of apologizing after the fight. Along the lines of being excited about sitting next to her at meals after almost fifteen years of sitting at opposite ends of the table because she can't stand hitting his outstretched feet under the table. It's really in all the little things.

And most of all, thank you Daddy for loving my mother like Sis. Dalton taught in this talk:

I love you guys and thank you for setting the perfect example of what an eternal couple should be like. I am so sorry that I can't be there this year, but I know that it's only the first of many anniversaries that I will miss. good luck Daddy with your new job. Good luck Mommy with all your crafts and work and every other thing you juggle. Happy anniversary.