one of the saddest weekends.

goal update:

1. i'm using an excuse that it got busy at work with the take down of everything, 

but i truly had the time. i just didn't make the time. 

and i've kind of missed the boat on the having it read by the time i get home. 

that day comes in four days!!

almost home bound. almost.

2.  the ball is currently in his court. i'm pretty sure of his answer,

but it's in his court.

3. i saw them on saturday at lagoon, 

and i was able to genuinely say "congratulations" to both their faces.

yea for small victories.

4. i have to compile a new list of addresses, 

because my list is very outdated at this point.

so many new missionaries, so many calls.

and no time to write them all.

5. progress is being made.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i really hate goodbyes. and saying goodbye at lagoon was one of the hardest things ever.

living with a group of 30+ people every day, all day for five months,
really makes you a tight-knit group.

like seriously.

i had to say good-bye to one of my best guy friends
friday night after one of the most perfect dates ever.
he has helped me through a lot of relationship stuff, and is almost the perfect guy for me.
but it didn't fit right.

saturday morning came, and rae was going to come with me to lagoon,
but because of some homework and church things, she had to back out.
this was the start of one of the longest days ever. and one of the best.

one thing you should understand about me, i'm not a huge adrenaline junkie.
i do not enjoy rollercoasters; i like it when my stomach does not sit in my throat.
i found all my friends, and was able to hang out with everyone for a little bit.
thankfully, hilary was on the same page as me, and we hung out together.

there was a LOT of reminiscing and a lot of laughs.
the first time in almost two months that most of us were all together.
two of our bosses spent a lot of hours putting together a slideshow
of pictures of this summer and i almost cried on several occasions.

we got all of our bosses into the bumper cars and had a blast.
even watched two of the guys slingshot themselves into oblivion...
scary stuff.

i really don't love saying goodbye, and it was hard.
but it had to happen.

i will return.

the square dancer.

an update on my goal keeping.

1. not doing so hot. 

i went to utah to visit some family last weekend and it totally got me off. 

i spent sunday and monday in utah and i didn't read. 

terrible excuse, but i got off and i haven't gotten back on, yet. 

that's on the to-do list for today.

2. i really need to talk with him and 

i found my opportunity: this weekend we are going camping as a crew, 

and i think i can get a captive audience on the ride up to the campsite.

3. i have accepted it. he is getting married. 

in other news: BAMBI is engaged! Team Danny has won! 

4. i need to write one of my missionaries back 

because she was nice enough to write me!

 i missed the boat on my guam missionary (literally and figuratively), 

but i can message him now, so no need to waste a stamp.

5. getting better... but i could still use some improvement. and some = a lot still.

i took one of those online surveys yesterday because i was killing time before work 

(admittedly, i should have been packing or reading my scriptures or Preach My Gospel).

this one was titled "what type of dancer are you?" and

apparently i fit the profile of a square dancer.

i thought it rather fitting.

i love country music

i spent about five hours each week for two semesters dancing to country music.

these are the reasons they thought i fit the profile:
You are old-fashioned and you plan to stay that way.
Your values are old school and you make no apologies for it.
The music of today makes you shake your head
and wonder what the world has come to.

yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

this week.

is off to a rough start. like seriously.

monday was a long day. we didn't have a show that day, so the boss-men took the majority of the crew and went and played lumberjack on the mountain. 100 trees, cut for posts and rails, and 12 soaked and sore crew members later, they were really ready to come home. celeste, baby tiff, pat, and i were asked to stay down here and cover the office and prepare for the week. i helped pat in the office until lunch, and then celeste and baby tiff gave me a baptism by fire into the life of a cook. i helped make ranch, bagged brownies, sorted raw chicken, and pretty much just tried to keep up with these lovely ladies. we stopped a little early and had dinner ready for the crew when they got back. and we cleaned the house. but guess how long a clean house lasted. if you guessed less than 12 hours, you were right.

tuesday. can we just take a moment of silence that this day is over? like really. let me preface: two weeks ago, we got a phone call asking if a group of 200 people could come to the show. we can only take 170 people on ten wagons. 200 people would require bringing over two wagons that are used on the mountain and praying that they didn't bring any more people. we let the lady know we could work it out and the stressing began. the coordinator for the group decided that it would be too much of a distraction to have alcohol at the event (which is usually not allowed, but with private events, we give them the option, but they have to work it out and we just lay it out.) she sent us payment for the tickets, as well as the gratuity for the evening, a couple of days in advance, but then we got an email a couple of days ago, asking how many ABOVE 200 people they could go. we cried a little inside and said, we could do about 205 before we had to started strapping people to the top of the wagons. (sarcasm, of course.) we had a lot of people booked on the other show, so we had a double last night. which is UNHEARD of this late in the season [our last day is friday]. david, our foreman, pulled all sorts of strings and brought oodles of help in to drive teams and help the cooks feed 200 people before midnight. i don't know if i should be grateful or cry because i missed the opportunity to see a 12-wagon show, but the group didn't bring 30 people (something they can't even explain), but it relieved a huge burden for the cooks. feeding 200 people is a lot of chicken, beef, beans, corn, the works. and we don't have hours to get them from the chow-line. plus, it's a tad bit stressful to keep 200 people warm while it's 40 degrees outside and you only have enough lap blankets for about 170 of them. needless to say, david and chris were stressed. which in turn had pat stressed. who in turn had me stressed. it was a relief to have that crazy day OVER with.

and the week is about to get crazier. we will have 11 wagons on our last night and the next couple of nights are over 100 people. those are good sized shows for the end of the season. i'm excited for the next couple of days because anything will be easier than the last couple of days. let's just pray that no one else calls and asks to bring 200 people tomorrow.

trying to get better.

i need to get better at this goal keeping thing.

and i have seen it work to publish your goals and 

report on your progress every once in a while.

so here it goes.

1. read the Book of Mormon and study Preach My Gospel every day.

BONUS: have read all of Preach My Gospel by the time i get home in October.

2. figure out my dating/hanging out/cuddling situation.

{it's complicated...}

3. get over the fact that Great Cuddler is engaged to his missionary.

4. write my missionaries, especially the one that gets home in two weeks from Guam.

5. get better with daily prayers. no more falling asleep during my night prayers.

so people of the internet, until next week when i will 

hopefully have gotten somewhere with my goals.

coming to a close.

i have recently realized that this idealistic vacation summer is coming to a close. jackson's weather has begun to become erratic and extremely temperamental. last week, we had two days where i was freezing while wearing my long underwear and a long sleeve tshirt under my jeans, long socks, and long sleeved button up for work. and then the next day-- sunshine and rainbows, literally. the calendar marks are slowly getting too close to our last show and the memories are starting to flood. i made an album on facebook of most of the pictures that i have taken this summer. heaven knows that there are way more adventures than have been captured on film.




i also realized that i have been slacking severely on my study of the Book of Mormon and Preach My Gospel. i really need to work on that, so that i can be prepared to put my mission papers in! i have been waiting for this day for a while, and the day is coming more quickly than i had imagined. in just over a month, i will hopefully sitting in my bishop's office, starting the process!

two of the girls and three of the girls that i graduated with are in the mission field (which reminds me that it's time to start writing for the month...) and i can't wait to join them. one of my friends is serving in the mission that includes utah state, which is especially funny because she went to byu before her mission. just makes life that much more fun. i love her though, and i am so excited for her.

also, check out a blog for me. byuadventurous.blogspot.com  this is another one of the girls that i graduated with and she's pretty much the cutest.

where does the time go?

seriously, i feel like the summer still has months left in it. instead, there are just three short weeks between me and the beginning of a semester that i won't be participating in. maybe that's why i'm so lost. summer blends straight into fall for me, so there is no clear deadline for fun in the near future. my summer break extends clear into the fall break for my siblings.

so, where has the time gone? we made a weekend out of a stay in Grace, Idaho {aka the perfect small farming community.} i personally had a blast! we drove down friday night after show a few weeks ago and slept all over Momma Brady's house and lawn. we woke up the next morning to Momma Brady's delicious breakfast burritos and the discussion about some mexican salsa/pico de gallo. most of us spent the day wandering around Logan. i had some errands to run, so i went and saw Grandma Allen while i was there {but mostly to go shopping at Casa de la Grandma.}

once most of us were back from Logan, we helped Momma Brady with some outside chores as payback. because 20 hands make much lighter work than the two she was working with. ;) after the ground was good enough that she could lay seed, we went and did the only fun things to do in Grace: flooming and jumping at 60. what is that, you may ask? flooming is dangerously riding down the canal water down a floom {picture a slide suspended 200 feet above the river, and you have enough of an idea to get it} and then skipping across rotting boards laid along the top of the floom. jumping from 60 is about what it sounds like: jumping from a rock that extends over a spot in the river that is 60 feet deep. it was high enough, i probably could have attempted to tuck and roll, but i didn't get up the nerve to. a perfect summer bar-b-que and a sketchy game of kick the can later, we played a Bourne movie outside. one of those picturesque summer days full of dumb things you will probably never forget.

update on the love life: still sucks. Great Cuddler's missionary came home and i've been trying with futility to try and play it off cool. one of the girl's that i work with and Great Cuddler had a little stint, but they both agreed that it wasn't going to work and he apologized for dating someone after promising me that he wasn't going to date anyone because of the aforementioned missionary. a few weeks later, i get another cowboy to cuddle with. let's call him Cuddle Slut. he admits to it, so i don't feel bad about calling him one. Cuddle Slut is fantastic at the cuddle game. so good that i fell asleep in his arms for a solid week straight. no judgement needed. it was fantastic and i loved it. but then he stopped and we haven't cuddle since. so, please no judgement.

i got to ride a horse! and best thing about it: i got to do it for free! the resident Buckskin and i went on our day off and it was great. besides the saddle soreness that i had for the next three days. the views were amazing and the horse i had was pretty good. he seemed to really like the vegetation, but what horse doesn't?! let me just say, A-OK Corrals is the place to call up for a horseback-ride in Jackson. #shamelessplug

o yeah, and then this thing called a birthday happened. it's crazy, you wait all summer for one day to come, and then when that day comes, you can hardly believe it. and then the rest of the summer feels like it's running through an hourglass. nineteen was officially the dumbest birthday ever. except for maybe the gifts: birthday breakfast at Bubba's with Great Cuddler's cousin and Track Star {she's pretty much the best runner at ISU and is fantastic}, two new western shirts, a Jackson Hole t-shirt, a random collection of awesomeness from my friends, the most amazing orange Tennessee pants ever!, a "Home" t-shirt that my Momma made me and then a new belt for my new buckle! Momma Heather {the house cook} made me the most delicious Angel Food Cake with a strawberry glaze on it. i literally thought i was going to die of the perfection of it.

this past weekend was the Graves Family Reunion! this year, not at Lake Powell, but at Bear Lake. Grandma and Grandpa are on a mission, so we decided to do the reunion a little closer to them so that they could at least come up for the weekend. originally i was going to ask for the whole reunion off, but i decided to just take friday and saturday. friday i ended up spending as our "teenage outing" and driving around Ogden with Berkeley and Madeline and their EFY friend. it was different, but we had a lot of fun. Olive Garden, crazy selfies as we drove down the highway, and then a little bit of wasting time at Grandma and Grandpa's. i missed the sunny day at the beach, but we had a lot of fun. saturday we went up to Minnetoka Cave and hiked a 888-round trip stair cave route. 40 degrees constantly and up and down through the earth. i was originally nervous about hiking through a cave, but they have rock and metal stairs through the whole thing. we did end up spending a little bit of time on the beach, but unfortunately for me, it was in the evening on an overcast day. we played the cheeto-shaving cream-shower cap game with all the cousins and it ended up in a shaving cream-shoving fight. only a few people ended up with shaving cream in their eyes, but it was worth the little bit of pain. best fun that i have ever started with all the cousins. ;)




  

time.

what a weird four letter word. it holds so much power with it, too. 

it's bizarre to think that two years ago today, i was frantically finishing a presentation for the parents of governor's school participants. a year ago today, i was hanging out around the house, worrying about chores and packing for a road trip two weeks out. today, i'm worrying about getting the smoke out of the blankets i took camping last night and about getting a cowboy to pay enough attention to me to take me out. 

time. what a silly thing. my friends have their mission calls and are preparing for the fateful day when they will enter the MTC. other friends are fretting over the details of another fateful day: their wedding day. and yet others are worrying about getting all their summer vacation tucked into the next few weeks. then there's me, just worrying about my job, my crippled love life, and remembering people's names. 

time. it slips away from you. i can't believe that i haven't seen my sister in six weeks, my family in six months, some of my friends in over a year. it's just wrong. it makes me ache for the "good times" back. those careless summer nights when we played hide-and-go-seek in the backyard of nice neighbors. those crazy fall nights when i spent all night in a ridiculous costume, freezing my butt off, cheering for the football team. those awful spring nights where i was up until midnight or one am writing a paper. i'm gonna say it: i miss high school. don't get me wrong, there are something things i DON'T miss. but the simplicity of life sure was nice. i miss my laurel friends. the semi-adult life stinks, man.

i want the simplicity of life back. 

Summer Job 2k14

The most wonderful place ever. 

I'm working here for the summer and I love it. The atmosphere is fantastic and the people here love their jobs too. And I found a cute guy who seems to have the similar feelings for me. He's a good cuddle buddy and he found that secret ticklish spot and he likes to abuse its powers. But that's okay. I can get him to crumble because I know his ticklish spot. Muh-hahahahaha.

The summer has been great so far. I'm working for one of the beautiful local companies and I love it. The whole crew stays in the same house and it's a party always. If you want to do something, you've got three volunteers to go with you. I'm working at the office, but I still get to spend the time I want to around HORSES! I got to ride one early last week and it was amazing. I haven't ridden in a saddle, by myself in over 12 years. I rode a saddle-broke draft horse bareback a few years back, but that's a little bit different...
The horses that we work with are either 2000 lb behemoth draft horses or cute, "little" 1000 lb paint horses. I love it. My allergies don't, but ehh. A little Alavert and a nice bath afterwards and I'm totally fine!

One day after lunch, the majority of the crew decided that a back massage sounded amazing. I opted out on the account that I tended to make less than appropriate noises when I get a back massage unless I really think hard about not.

It started as a harmless pillow fight. Then, it escalated to a wrestling match wherein she ended up in the dirty, living room rug. Water got involved. And then the joke about "Round 3: Mud" was made and they took it seriously. He ended with a horse patty to the mouth/face and she ended up slam dunked into the dirt. They called it a draw.

I finally found some polish and took a few minutes (more like 30) to make them look beautiful. Yeah, then I got asked to poop scoop the next night and it's been downhill from there.

We had a crew game night at one of the boss's homes on Sunday and a few people ended up playing Twister. Then they moved to Swedish Twister (which doesn't require much, just some major flexibility). Then we played The Bucket Game. So. Much. Fun.
{The fun guy with the mustache is our resident Buckskin.
The one picking his noise is the cousin of Great Cuddler.
The dark-haired beauty is one of the cutest wranglers on staff.
The pretty blonde is my roommate and our wonderful housekeeper. }

There is a large group of crew members who will go out in the mornings before work and exercise.
Mentally insane, all of them.
But, one day this smaller subgroup decided to do some yoga and it was too much of an opportunity to pass up.

This is possibly the most popular view of the house: eyes shut. Even though my bedroom is right off the living room, I find it very difficult to make it to bed some nights. There are just a few couches that are too comfortable to move from. And then, add a good cuddler to the mix. Yeah, bad idea.
{This fellar is one of the main men on campus. He's kind of in charge of horses. Great guy. Not Great Cuddler.}

This cowgirl got a hat. This is one of the better outfits I have worn for show.

A Letter from the Babysitter.

I haven't babysat anyone in a while, but I learned a lot about what I do and do not like about children. I learned some neat parenting tricks and I got good at babysitting (or I would like to think that I did).

But here is a letter to the parents:

Your children are adorable. Yes, but they aren't angels. I have been around the block enough to know that they are different children when you aren't around. They may eat their food super well or listen to you when you ask them to clean, but that does not mean it will happen when I ask them. The do's and don'ts of babysitting from a babysitter:

Please don't have them take a nap super late in the afternoon. They don't go to bed well when I ask them to go to bed. It's not my fault if they are still awake when you get home. They just aren't tired yet. And yes, I did just let him scream and it did break my heart to let him do it.

Please do tell your children all the house rules before you leave. Because then I know them and I can make sure they don't get away with something they aren't supposed to. You may have told them they could have a cookie after dinner, and I feel like a terrible person telling them "no," but I don't know otherwise.

Please don't let your children sleep all together. They just stay up late and keep each other up. It just doesn't work.

Please do let me clean up, but don't have the house a mess when I show up. It's helpful when the kids help me clean up. It's also really nice to have the buckets/bins/shelves labelled or otherwise organized that I can tell what goes where. That way you don't have to undo what I did in my attempt to clean up.

I won't peruse your pantry looking for food. I'm not going to eat you out of house and home. I probably will sit down and enjoy a movie or Netflix when I am done cleaning your house and the kids are in bed. I'm not a bum; I'm trying to enjoy some "me" time. I am paying attention to the noises from the rest of the house to make sure that your kids aren't sneaking around.

I'm not going to invite my friends over. That's not okay by MY standards.

Thank you for your trust with your kids. I love them like siblings and I will try to be their friend while earning their respect.

Sincerely,
The Babysitter

ruining a friendship

I have ruined a friendship. And this is what I need to say. 

I shouldn't have let myself care. But I did. I let myself fall for a claimed man and my foolish heart thought I could change his mind and help him realize that I am better than she. I shouldn't have said or done anything to let him know I cared. I should have kept it bottled up. But now, it's too late. The beans have been spilled and he no longer wants me around. I have ruined a friendship. One I cared deeply about. I have ruined it by showing emotions. 

I should have guarded my heart. I should have let you go. I should have let you live your life and let me in as you saw fit. I should have been aloof and let you be with her. I have ruined a friendship. I have ruined it with my heart. 

I shouldn't have flirted. I shouldn't have shown you how I cared. I shouldn't have told you that someone cared and stood up for you when others were demeaning. I shouldn't have been around you, to let you know I cared. I should have been aloof. I should have let us never be in my mind. I have ruined a friendship. I have ruined it with love. 

I should have realized you didn't care about me. I should have realized that you liked another. I should have realized that the times you let me in were rare and that you let me in with care. I should have treasured the times you let me in and never begged for more. I just wanted you to show some of the emotions I knew you had. I just wanted you to ruin the friendship. I wanted you to ruin it with emotions. 

I wanted you. I want you still. But another claims your heart. Another holds you close. Another has the key that I will never be able to hold. Another doesn't realize how much I like you so. Another doesn't realize how much I wanted you to ruin the friendship. Another doesn't realize how much I wanted you to ruin it with your emotions. 

I was a terrible person. I wanted you to leave her. I wanted you for my own. I wanted to share a kiss. I wanted you to let me in. I wanted to ruin a friendship and be in a relationship. 

But that is all gone now. You have set me down. You have realized what a terrible player of the game of love I am. You have realized that I wanted in and you have pushed me out. I have ruined a friendship by showing how much I care.