ruining a friendship

I have ruined a friendship. And this is what I need to say. 

I shouldn't have let myself care. But I did. I let myself fall for a claimed man and my foolish heart thought I could change his mind and help him realize that I am better than she. I shouldn't have said or done anything to let him know I cared. I should have kept it bottled up. But now, it's too late. The beans have been spilled and he no longer wants me around. I have ruined a friendship. One I cared deeply about. I have ruined it by showing emotions. 

I should have guarded my heart. I should have let you go. I should have let you live your life and let me in as you saw fit. I should have been aloof and let you be with her. I have ruined a friendship. I have ruined it with my heart. 

I shouldn't have flirted. I shouldn't have shown you how I cared. I shouldn't have told you that someone cared and stood up for you when others were demeaning. I shouldn't have been around you, to let you know I cared. I should have been aloof. I should have let us never be in my mind. I have ruined a friendship. I have ruined it with love. 

I should have realized you didn't care about me. I should have realized that you liked another. I should have realized that the times you let me in were rare and that you let me in with care. I should have treasured the times you let me in and never begged for more. I just wanted you to show some of the emotions I knew you had. I just wanted you to ruin the friendship. I wanted you to ruin it with emotions. 

I wanted you. I want you still. But another claims your heart. Another holds you close. Another has the key that I will never be able to hold. Another doesn't realize how much I like you so. Another doesn't realize how much I wanted you to ruin the friendship. Another doesn't realize how much I wanted you to ruin it with your emotions. 

I was a terrible person. I wanted you to leave her. I wanted you for my own. I wanted to share a kiss. I wanted you to let me in. I wanted to ruin a friendship and be in a relationship. 

But that is all gone now. You have set me down. You have realized what a terrible player of the game of love I am. You have realized that I wanted in and you have pushed me out. I have ruined a friendship by showing how much I care.  

a case made.

boys always say that girls are super complicated.

well, can I make a case that the males in our lives are the reasons that we are deemed "complicated."

point number #1:
this one begins with a story. friday night, provolone, never nude, rae, panic, and i gathered some friends and went over to never nude's home for a bonfire and some *clean* fun. i invited HIM out of good friendship and thought nothing more of it. friday night came and we had made our way over with out friends. HE showed up late with an unexpected guest: a girl. that i had never met before. {now, before i sound like a jealous wench, let me say: no. i am not. but it did bug me that i got NO notice that HE was a bringing a girl, or even a friend along with.} i kind of let it go, and i brought them around to the rest of the party and he didn't even introduce her and she made no effort to do it either. the rest of the evening my roommates and friends festered over and were calling him slightly inappropriate things to the fire. {i feel bad for the fire; it never did anything to us to deserve the conversation that we had with it.} he and his friend-girl stayed to themselves, and the only words he said to me THE ENTIRE NIGHT were "[insert her name here] got called into work. see ya later. thanks." i was fuming. i waited until i could see his truck driving away before i screamed "a$$ hole" after his taillights. it felt good. point number one: my trust will not be given out so easily.

point number #2:
they all have to play the "rough and tough" game and so dang aloof the whole time. why?! we WANT to get to know you and we want to understand how your brain can work so differently than ours. i like it when i don't have to jump through flaming hoops to get to know you. girls act like we don't like you because we can't read your feelings for us and when we do show you our feelings, we just get trampled on. don't hurt us and then we can be less complicated. JUST LET US IN. point number two: we just want to understand you.

point number #3:
the brain is complicated. so is life. so naturally, we are both complicated in our own rights. but boys, more so.

interesting.

My friend post this link on Facebook today, and I was intrigued. So, I took the little seven question quiz to figure out which Miranda Lambert song I am.

And it hit it pretty dang close to home. (pun not intended) "The House That Built Me" is the song that they came up with.

"You are sentimental and thoughtful. Life hasn’t always been kind to you, but you would not change a thing. You take to heart the lessons you’ve learned and are a better person because of them. You enjoy a slower pace of life these days. You appreciate the few extremely close friends and family in your life more than a big group of acquaintances."

Hit the nail pretty close to home. I do enjoy little moments, and little snippets of life. I enjoy life, and even though sometimes I hate it, I learn from it and attempt to move on. {As you can see, sometimes, it's easier said than done.} I miss the slower pace of home, and I really don't like the quick pace of school right now. I love my close friends, and I find it really hard to let people in, because the some of the people I have let get close end up hurting me (although, in their defense) unbeknownst to them. 

I love my life and although there are a few things I want in my life, I have everything I need. A great family, a loving Father in Heaven who loves me no matter what dumb things I do, faith in His plan, an amazing education, and great friends. 

the logan hot tubs

apparently close at eleven.

so we almost got a citation when we showed up at Rae’s friend’s hot tubs and the po-pos showed up. #awkward…

but he was chill and wasn't overly annoying about the fact that we were a bunch of college students in a hot tub after hours. thank you cop. you earned respect.


we looked too good in our swimsuits to not share with the world our awesomeness.

       Panic                 Rae                    Never Nude              Me

spring break

was interesting. Work was having a HUGE sale, so it was hopeless to even think about asking for it off. So, I took other people's shifts so that they could go and do spring break things.

my roommates ditched me on Sunday. thankfully, Aunt Colee that asked if I would like to come to dinner, so after church I ditched town as fast as possible.

monday: lonely cleaning, some Big Bang Theory, donating plasma (made $35, too!) then work. I had plans to go up to Rigby that night at stay with my aunt and her chillens, but I was late leaving Logan because I locked me keys in my car. First time for everything, right? Thankfully I have some good friends who were able to take me back to my apartment and then back to work to pick up my car, so the whole ordeal only cost me $3 (for the manager to open my apartment) rather than the ticket for a locksmith. With that in mind, I made it to Rigby around 11 pm on Monday... longest drive of my life. Two and half hours by yourself is not fun. Especially when it decides to snow.

tuesday: a lot more fun. i got to hang out with my cousins and help me aunt out a tiny little ounce. i learned that just because your picture is on the fridge, doesn't mean that your youngest cousin will recognize you, or even cuddle with you when he is sick. Urn was nice enough to zone my feet that night while we watched Season 2 of Downtown Abbey and o my gosh! it was wonderful. if you have never had it done, it's like the best worst foot massage ever.

wednesday: i stayed up in Rigby until noon-ish because i had to work (i mentioned that i hate work, right?). that night i came home to the guys who live next door in the apartment across the hall (*disclaimer* one of the boys has a sister that lives in that apartment) even though none of the girls were home. come to find out that they just wanted some putty to fix a whole in the wall. i hung out with them for a few hours, but still ended up going to bed around eleven because we ran out of things to do/talk about.

thursday: i invited some friends over for breakfast and it was a lot of fun. pancakes, fruit, friends. such great things! work wasn't too bad that night because i got off a few minutes early. hallelujah! thursday was also the day that i found out that Mormon boys do sit around in just their underwear when they are alone. just trust me.

friday: no work to pass the time, so i finished a season of Big Bang Theory and then I took my healthy self and went and donated plasma and made FIFTY BUCKS! (go and donate plasma, put my name down as a reference. #shamelessplug) Then I called up Aunt Fluffy and asked if I could come and borrow her laundry equipment for a few hours. She of course had no problem with it, so I went and helped out her and did my five loads of laundry at her house. yeah, Rae and I do five loads of laundry every two weeks. I would have stayed the night with Fluffy, but I had to work Saturday morning, so I decided I should probably get a good night's rest.

saturday: a 10:30 to 7 shift. a heavenly shift as a cashier. call me crazy, but I seriously love that shift! i got to sleep in, go to work, and still had enough of an evening to go and hang out with my single uncle, Juan, and his friends that night without being super exhausted! some of my friends had returned by the time I got done with work, so I hung out for a little while with them and caught up on their adventures of Spring Break.

sunday: ward council at 10:30 was slim, but spiritual as ever. Bambi came home about a half an hour before church started, so I got to have at least one friend at church with me. :) i ended up being the chorister in sacrament meeting because the chorister was still out with her family, and the organist (who was one of my close friends!) let me fall asleep on the stand!!! thankfully, i was pretty well hidden behind the organ, so only one or two people could see me, but I apparently missed a really awesome talk. i was super bummed... after church i had to kind of twiddle my thumbs and find things to do before my roommates started coming home (Bambi left with her family after church, so she wasn't home until later). I did a little happy dance when Rae and Panic finally made it home. Never Nude and Provolone made it home a little bit before they, but they were busy putting together a new bookshelf for Provolone.

nevertheless, it was okay. lonely and long, but okay.

never been kissed.

everyone always asks me how it is that I am in college and never been kissed. it's a rather simple answer, really. the opportunity never presented itself. I was one of those girls who never really had a serious relationship in high school and the guys here at college have been all talk and no action. 

the next question is always, "do you want to be kissed?" yes, I do. but I was always taught and shown that kisses are something to be treasured, not something that you share with the whole pond of frogs. I am sure the time will come when I do have my first kiss, but for now, I will be contempt with my unkissed lips and realize that it won't be magical. 

this has been another rant, and probably overpersonal blog post. 

shooting guns

i shot a gun. fun story actually.

so we met these guys two weeks ago tomorrow. sometime between then and sunday, it got brought up that rae and i had never been shooting. so these two boys invited us to go shooting with them on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. so we dressed up in our cowboy boots and warm sweatshirts and drove over to a spot right outside Smithfield.

we got to the final hill (the shooting range was in the mountain), we noticed that it was super icy. tanner (one of the guys) went up first in his ford focus and tried to make it. we got about a quarter mile up the road before tanner's car decided it didn't like the ice. we got out and messed around for a little bit in the ice, before we pushed his car around and rode back down to the road. the four of us then piled into zach's jeep (one of the other four people that went with us) and got a better "running" start up the mountain. there was a boy scout troop at the range, so we improvised and just shot over the fence into another part of the range. tanner, zach, and josh all had brought their shot guns, so we messed around with some clay pigeons for a few hours. casey had brought his 9mm handguns, so he and rae played with those and some of our not-too-badly-destroyed clays.  i tried so hard to be a good shot, but that really didn't work out. i was apparently just below the disc every time, so i guess i just have to aim a little bit higher, or wait a little bit longer to shoot.

the last half hour or so, we decided to have a competition. tanner and i went first. i shot at three clays, while he shot "back-up"{meaning he shot at the clay when i missed them} and he hit two of his own clays. so, we scored a 3.5. {each shot you got was one point, a half point if the back-up got it.}

rae and casey scored a 4.0; zach and his date tied with his brother, josh, and ashley with a 4.5.

so naturally we had to have a tie breaker. they tried the double disc throw, but that didn't break the tie either, so we just called it a day after that.

we piled all the stuff back up and drove back to Logan. all over, a great morning. fun, but not really something that would hit very high on the list of things to do on a day off.

rae and i

tanner, casey, josh and ashley

zach and his date

tanner and casey

a semester update

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my mind at the moment.

i am supposed to be doing homework, but you see how well that is working out...

so far the semester is going well. i have three classes in the business building (which is all the way on the other side of campus for me... :S), one in the huge concert hall on campus, and my favorite class of all is my Western Swing class. i got into the advanced class, and i couldn't be more excited. the one problem about that class is that he is in that class. i try and be his friend, but it really is proving to be hard. he will ask me to dance every once in a while, and he will talk with me, but he really doesn't try too hard to seek me out. he probably figures that i will seek him out and it's honestly the truth, but i'm still sad.

the mission thoughts aren't helping confuse matters much either. i'm NOT going to declare dating abstinence before i go on a mission, but seriously. the fish ain't biting.

we met some new guys two weeks ago and one of them is now rae's boyfriend (although they haven't called it that yet, they have spent time with each other EVERY day since they have met) and the other one is super into one of my new roommates, Bambi. Bambi is super cute and has captured  every guy's heart within a mile radius. she's a return missionary, three months off the boat from Lima, Peru. she's so adorable and i love her enthusiasm for the gospel and her easy love for others. {Never Nude is our other new roommate and she is super hilarious. she's really outgoing and is always ready to party. lol, seriously.}

work is going well. i haven't worked too many hours the last few weeks, but i'm hoping as we get closer to one of our HUGE case lot sales, that i will get more hours. i am still doing a lot of bagging, but i help quite frequently with cashiering. i get paid the same rate, regardless of what kind of shift i am working. lovely minimum wage.... :S

so a future missionary, lots of reading, awesome new roommates, no interested boys. pretty much sums it up.

great news!

i have decided to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. i will work hard through this semester, the summer and just work next semester, in preparation to leave around Christmas of 2014. i will not be able to serve until the latter part of July, so i could but my papers in around the end of March, but i need to work through another semester in order to afford the opportunity to go on a mission.

just thought i should let you know. :)

Life to Her Years

So a friend posted this link on Facebook, and I am missing my Daddy today, so I looked at it.

My Daddy did a pretty good job doing them all. Some of them he didn't do, but that's okay. I know he loves me.

So then I just went and checked out Michael Mitchell's wonderful blog/tumblr thing. And this one really made me miss my Daddy.

"A little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter: “Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don’t fall into the river.” 

The little girl said: “No, Dad. You hold my hand.”

“What’s the difference?” Asked the puzzled father.

“There’s a big difference,” replied the little girl.

“If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go."

from Thoughtful Mind via J.T. Scully

Isn't it beautiful?! I can't wait to see my Daddy tomorrow and to hold his hand and to have him hold my hand. I love that man and even though we often butted heads while I was in high school, all the pieces of advice that I stubbornly ignored in high school have come biting me in the butt in college. I love my daddy and he definitely knew what he was talking about when he gave me advice. 

I love you, Daddy. 

See you tomorrow. :)