#lifeunfiltered

after a church meeting today,

one of my leaders handed me an article.

he simply said that he had shared it

with some other members of the congregation

in an previous meeting

and would like me to read it as well.

the story is about a girl who hides her life through filters.

and unfortunately hides her despair so well

her parents are blindsided by her suicide.

now, i don't know why this leader decided to share this with me.

because i assure you, i would never think of ending my life that way.

but maybe it wasn't for me.

maybe, i was just supposed to read it

and share my thoughts.

the article talks about how part of Madison, said girl,

must have struggled internally with the difference

between the life we are living on the inside

and the filtered life we are letting the outside world see us live.

"Even people you think are perfect are going through something difficult."
a taken from a post on Madison's Instagram account.

and it's so true.

today we talked about charity in our women's meeting.

and what it really means to be charitable.

sure it means to be "willing to bear one another's burdens ... 

to mourn with those that mourn, 

yea and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." 

and i think it goes so much further than that too.

"a compliment should be voiced

and a criticism should be hushed,

not the other way around."

--wise words of an institute teacher

we need to be more willing to truly listen to other people.

and let them understand our sorrows.

but we also need to see into the inside world they are living in.

truly try to understand their hurt.

so they can feel like someone is truly there that understands.

not just a friend with words.

i am not the best friend you could ever have.

but i find joy in lifting the fallen.

trying to emulate the savior.

and i am not trying to say any of this to get attention.

but maybe what we all need to do

is to look around us

and try to have a little love and understanding

for those around us.

strangers, friends, or family.

because you never know what another might be going through.

your words could be their saving grace.

literally.

my number is twenty-three

a couple of years ago,

i fell for a friend's post online

and had to write 23 things about myself.

some things haven't changed, yet other's have.

1. i still love country music. the only reason i ever listen to pop radio

is because the country stations are playing commercials.

2. i still love western swing dancing.

it's been a little rough getting back into the saddle post mission, but it's still a thing.

3. i have been to a concert. i saw scotty mccreery live for $5 as part of his "see you tonight" tour.

waiting outside the doors wasn't too bad when you have good company.
rhett, me, andrew

third row my friends. for $5.
thank you utah state.

4. i have shot a gun. lots of times. and most times i have a pretty good shot too,

wyoming mountains make the best backdrop for pictures

5. i am still better at fixing other people's problems.

my dad calls it perspective; i call it free therapy.

6. i must have skipped this one.

so, i'll make one up.

i know spanish.

y si, puedo entenderte cuando hablas de mi.

7. i work at a grocery store again. 

and some days are better than others.

like wednesdays. i like wednesdays.

fridays and mondays not so much.

8. i still automatically respond to people's comments.

thank you customer service jobs.

9. the number is a lot bigger than three now.

10. i am getting better at recognizing faces.

it's still hard, but i can thank the mission for that.

if you can remember a unique quality about them,

it helps a lot.

11. to  16. 

nothing has changed.

but allow me to digest something:

i am an accounting major.

and yes, i like it.

there are a lot of numbers,

but even more principles and concepts to remember.

#appreciate_your_accountant

17. i found out that i won't have to take a calculus class

or any more math-intensive classes to graduate

and i cried a little tear of gratitude.

18. i now live with only three other girls.

and we are each other's sounding boards.

no hard feelings here!

19. my love life is still interesting like string theory,

but at least it's engaging now.

(no, that was not an announcement)

20. more than words can recount.

21. i have fixed myself of this habit.

(thank you mission)

but sometimes, it would be nice

to knock some sense into people.

22. that one has changed.

to quote keith urban,

"to, to kiss and tell, it's just not my style."

23. beards are still one of the most attractive things ever.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

these kinds of posts are kind of fun to write,

because i get to see my personal growth.

somethings haven't changed,

and i guess that just makes me, me.

progress is made

and i am thankful for the memories

that mark those changes.

thank you.

the little white dress

a couple years back, one of my young women's leaders gave me this:

hang on to your values
hang on to your testimony
hang on to your goals...
so that some day you can
hang your temple dress on me.

and it sat in a memory box for a couple of years until i got to that point.

surely, it will be the day that i hang my wedding dress up beside it,

thought little laurel me.

never thought in a million years that i would be going on a mission!

when they changed the age at which missionaries could go

i was totally complacent. 

woo! go missionaries! congratulations!

me: i still know that i'm not going on a mission.

but the lord knew better.

i moved out to school, 

took a missionary preparation class at the lds institute.

still wasn't convinced i was going on a mission.

and then i got a new roommate after christmas.

and i attribute the keeling point to her.

angie was an rsm, ready to preach the gospel

and full of light. 

when i wasn't angry at her for being my mother,

we were talking about the experiences that she had had on her mission.

and it was incredible.

my parents were skyping rae and i one night

and asked us (in february mind you!)

what our plans were for the summer.

we both surprised our parents:

i was going to prepare for a mission

and rae was going to go home.

in the ensuing months, i got my job in jackson,

moved out there, earned lots of mula

and tried to prepare spiritually for the mission.

i met some amazing people and 

i chalk those six months as second best

behind the mission.

i got home,

chugged through my paperwork

and got my call:

nicaragua managua south.

and it all came home:

i was going on a mission.

in six weeks.

ten days wait between submitting my papers

and getting them. 

the lord needed me NOW.

and so i did.

and the day arrived for me to receive my endowments

and buy my own white dress.

and it was incredible. 

being inside the temple like that

is literally being in the present of god's greatest people.

i had some amazing friends who came to support me,

one of them being an old young women's leader.

and now, almost two years later

i have worn a white dress many times

and now i am trying to remain worthy of putting it on.

hang on to your values

hang on to your testimony

hang on to your goals

the rsm life

i am just going to put this out now:

the rsm life is a lot different than i thought it would be.

i will be honest with you:

i thought that being a sister missionary would change

more than it did.

now, allow me to explain two parts.

part 1: the idea

when i got home, i was expecting a crowd of friends from the ward or stake.

i was expecting that in the ensuing weeks between being home and starting school,

that i would go on a few dates, figure out a few more things about this "new" world.

then i would move into a new ward at school and it all would be different.

people would treat me differently because i had served a mission.

i would get asked on dates, have some more friends.

i needed to find a job, and preferably one that paid better than minimum wage.

i needed to start over. reinvent.

but still be me.

part 2: the reality

coming home off the plane, i had just left my companion in the airport an hour ago.

i had been awake since three am that morning, with only about five hours of sleep.

i had just left home in an alternate universe, and was stepping into reality again.

and i was just excited to hug my daddy.

i got off the plane. i tried to be one of the last ones off the plane,

and thanks to "missionary seating" as i like to call it, it wasn't a difficult feat.

and then i ran down the tarmac, left my luggage in the walk way

and hugged my daddy for the first time in eighteen months.

and then the rest of the family each got their hug, and it was all just a blur.

we took some pictures with the lovely people who had come to see me home

like my favorite young women's leader, kari kah

of course, the family. grandparents included.

and the wonderful tennessee family, as i would call it

fackrells, sis pesci, sis kah and son, vaughns.

i couldn't be happier with that happy moment. 

it truly was surreal to be in the knoxville airport again.

i had dreamt of the moment so many times, that it all played out like exactly that:

a dream.

we drove home. the wind had destroyed a wonderful sign that my siblings had poured their hearts into making, but it was a play on a sign that my aunts made for me before i left

and so it said:

welcome home janelle.

daddy had a nice little surprise for me in the driveway

a "gift" that i had requested.

and he let me drive it to the church to be set apart....

crazy father.

but anyway. i showed everyone some nicaraguan culture

and shared a few trinkets that i had brought home.

and then real life hit.

i was no longer a missionary. 

i was no longer a representative of

la iglesia de jesucristo de los santos de los ultimos dias.

i was no longer hermana graves.

i was janelle again.

and it hurt like heck

it's been said that as a missionary, you are set apart from the world.

and i promise you, it's true.

the lord walks beside you, and there are moments if you catch the light just right

you can see him there in the companionship.

there are no words that describe the feelings of complete exhaustion or complete excitement

at the end of the day.

a good day is one where everything went as planned, where nothing went planned,

or when nothing and everything went as planned.

but it was all okay, because you were on the lord's errand.

stepping out of that limelight was really hard.

because it was no longer about you being a missionary,

it was about you being a return missionary with all these things to do for you now.

going to rant: i hate it when people how my mission was and 

are satisfied with the answer ::great, thanks.::

i spent eighteen months serving the lord.

the word great does not do it justice.

i appreciate the thought of asking, but let me tell you a little bit about it.

i did not get along with all my companions. but i love them all.

i had a lot of converts who are not currently active in the church. and that hurts.

but then i also have a few converts who are strong. a few who have chosen the higher road.

i did not always have success.

but i was successful.

my mission was

invite others to come unto Christ by helping them receive the restored gospel,

through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His Atonement, repentance,

baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end. 

and i did it. 

and when i got home, i had no mission statement.

i had a few plans, but definitely no mission call.

and i was lost.

my extended family came and went,

and my family tried to finish their summer strong.

i went to the temple for the first time in almost eighteen months

and made it through a session without crying for joy.

but i was wandering.

then i picked up a job for a couple of weeks and was doing something again.

being out of the house, thinking of all the things that had changed.

friends married, with children, others engaged.

it all came down to same:

i felt like the time had just been frozen on the home front

but coming to terms with all the changes was difficult.

i really had to start from basically ground zero with everything.

for my birthday, my mom bought me a new wardrobe for the "post mish me."

a new phone. a new vehicle. a new job.

a new life.

and now here we are.

seven weeks home from the mission.

and still awkward as crap.

i haven't been ask on very many social outings.

i moved into the new ward, but don't have very many friends yet.

i love my roommates. i like my new classes.

i found a great job in the bakery at a local grocery store.

and i am no closer to figuring out a few more things about life than i was seven weeks ago.

the visions of being treated differently because i am a rsm are not what i thought them to be.

i'm just another one in the crowd. 

and it's taken some time to get adjusted to that.

i don't like being one of the crowd for very long.

and like a friend once told me "you jumped on that bandwagon."

the mission was an amazing experience where i got to see the lord bless his obedient servants.

i have seen many people change their lives and continue to change themselves because of the message that we as missionaries shared with them and their relatives and friends.

i have seen what happens to missionaries that follow the promptings of the spirit.

i have witnessed first hand the lord's hand of protection in my life and that of my companion.

i have seen the light of christ in the eyes of a boy willing to follow jesus with all energy of heart that he tells his mother to go to church every week. 

i have seen the hand of the lord in so many ways.

and now i am having a light problem and can't see through it.

in my institute class yesterday, my teacher began class with the story of the brother of jared.

when the brother of jared was given the instructions to build a ship, he went and did.

and then realized a couple of problems: no light, no air, and no steering.

the brother of jared then goes to the lord and converses with him of these dilemmas.

 the lord quickly responds that he will take care of the need for steering, and the plans were given to him to create air holes. but then the lord says: 

"what do you want me to do? i can't just give you everything."

he give him parameters, some guidance. and then says: "alright, go."

and this is where the miracle comes in:

if the brother of jared hadn't had his 'light problems', he would have missed the opportunity to 

see the savior.

that's right: without trials, he wouldn't have been able to grow enough,

to show the sufficient faith, to see first, the finger of the lord,

and then the body of the christ. 

the savior awaits to show himself unto us,

but we must muddle through and solve our light problems first.

god has given us the commandments (our own parameters)

and is giving us real time commentary on what to do (general conference, anybody?)

and there's more.

the brother of jared went and did.

he brainstormed and thought of something.

he acted

and created sixteen small stones out of rock.

but they would have just been rocks, without the ability to give off light

if the lord had not touched them.

we can do all the work.

we can go and act, and do, and be busy

trying to solve our light problems.

but if we don't accept that the lord has to help us,

that we can't do it all by ourselves

our efforts are just rocks.

right now, i guess it's time to re-evaluate my light problems,

turn them into rocks,

and have the faith in jesus christ

to ask him to turn them into the stones that will

"shine forth in darkness."

pray as though it all depended on God.

work as though everything depended on you.

-saint augustine

a married twin.

before i left on my mission, 

i shared some deep thoughts about rae,

and the love i have for her.

well somethings never change.

sure i have to share her now,

but there are worst things.

all my life i have felt like the pioneer of the family.

the example that everyone looked up to.

and it never really bugged me.

i honestly love being about to look at what others have done

and improving. make it all my own. 

and having someone there to take it from me

and keep it going.

i think that's honestly why i loved training sisters on my mission.

it was difficult, and there were several weepy nights,

but i grew.

and as i read emails from my family each week,

i realized that we were all growing.

sometimes when you don't see the progress daily

you see the progress actually happening.

the "ah ha" moment after you step back

and get a better view.

rae got married. 

and it was probably the hardest thing for me to grasp.

because one, IT'S A HUGE DEAL.

and two, it's an important first that i didn't make first.

and i was kind of jealous for a little.

(after getting over the initial shock of a having an engaged twin sister).

i couldn't be the first daughter married.

but then it hurt.

because she would have to take this journey without my full attention.

i was just another friend, far far away.

growing up is kind of hard...

and watching your best friend do it alone

was really hard.

but you know what?

she did it.

photo creds to a twist of lemon photography

and dang didn't she look good doing it.

now that i have met my brother in law in person

it makes the realization that she is married a little easier.

i know that eric is a good man,

and that he will treat her right.

she's in good hands.

and now we can do a lot of things that it hurt me not to be able to do.

we can go to the temple together (check!)

we can talk about all that we have seen.

and we can enjoy the promise that if we are faithful,

we will have eternal life.

"Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, 

feasting upon the word of Christ,

and endure to the end, 

behold, thus saith the Father: 

Ye shall have eternal life."

2 nephi 31:20

isn't that promise enough to make you happy forever?

well, hello there

so it's been a while. life got pretty busy there.

i have gotten back from my best eighteen months in nicaragua.

to check up on how that went, go and check out

hermanagraves.blogspot.com

it really was an adventure of a lifetime, and i would love to spend all day

talking about how amazing it really was.

since moving back home, i have seen lots of friends,

spent a lot of fun time with female role models in my life

getting adjusted to the rm wardrobe,

worked, and most importantly, fallen in love with these guys again:

photo creds to darrin perryman photography

we took family pictures right before i left for my mission
and thanks to weekly emails, i somehow survived the
eighteen month sabbatical from daily life.
lots of pictures, and lots of spanish vocabulary words,
made the adventure interesting to retell.
but this time, i got to be there, and that was special.

i am now back to school, trying to get my lazy butt
excited to be at school again.
i have some good motivation hanging over my head,
so there isn't much time to waste.

rae got married to a cute guy named prince eric
and they are great. waay cute couple.
it's a plus that they live a few blocks away too.

bug went to the other blue school
and we have to learn to love the weird again.
#showmethescotsman

russman got big. watch out world.
a stud muffin is a cooking.
chris is as tenderhearted as ever,
and has become quite the little adventurous one.
still holds out for the football player dream,
but there may be some growing that has to happen first.
hannah is the little princess.
she's the only little girl left in the house
and i don't think she will let her brothers forget it, either.
spencer is into everything sports,
which really isn't new to me.
the kid can't think straight if it's not raining outside.
he loves playing outside...


i love my family and i can't believe that
we made it through eighteen months.
congratulations family.
we rock.