a love-ly update

my love life is seriously in the tanks.

the guy that i did like is practically in love with another girl who is just waiting through the days before she goes on her mission. i have done pretty much everything to try and be cool and be his friend, but that just wasn't working for me. i was letting him string me out and i finally had enough of it last wednesday at swing dancing. he spent the entire evening attached to her like she was his girlfriend and if i am honest with myself, i was so jealous. i wanted him to be looking at me like that, like i was the girl that he wanted to spend time with, not the clingy girl that needs affirmation from him. so after i dropped off my passengers off at the apartment, i went and spent some time in the car, writing down my last good-bye down on a napkin. yea, a napkin.

i wrote down all the feelings that i had and told him everything that i had ever wanted to say. but i can't tell bring myself to tell him about. to go up to him and tell him.

so i really have no idea what to do, except to avoid looking for his truck in the parking lot and try and connect with other people at swing dancing. to not hang around him and try not to get him to ask me for a dance. to finally heed my parents' and ryan's advice and make him do the work. be a girl for once and let him do the work.

and how difficult that is proving.

something hard

The hardest thing of college so far? Missing all of the firsts. (wow, that sounded motherly.) But seriously, I miss seeing my brothers and sister off to their first day at their new schools. I missed the first day of seminary. And the hardest thing? Missing my parents' 19th wedding anniversary.

Nineteen years ago, on Tuesday, September 6, 1994, my parents were sealed for time and all eternity in this beautiful building:

And I couldn't be more glad that they were. I love them so much and I miss them so much. I know that my gift to them this year is miniscule, but I hope that they will like it. 

They say that a girl marries their favorite trait about their father. As I pondered what that actually is in my father, I thought about what I say when people ask me about my father. And I found my answer. He is so amazingly handy. He built my mother her dream kitchen. And he did it all himself. He added onto our house and only hired someone twice to do work, and it was only because he didn't have the time to do it himself: the boy next door to bring the shingles onto the roof, and someone to paint the exterior of the house. He is the resident mechanic. He landscapes and builds a garden each year. Plus, he can cook. 

Then I thought about my mother. My favorite trait about her. She is her own person and she is crafty. She decorates the house each season and has made a lot of the decorations for herself. She can create wonderful things from a little bit of fabric and thread. She is beautiful. She is amazing. She isn't afraid to get a little dirty and she can make the most wonderful food ever. 

And my favorite part of my parents: the fact that they aren't afraid to show me how much they love me. 

You remember this picture:

                                             
And this was my parents sometimes. But not always really. It was more along the lines of hugging her from behind and finding that ticklish spot and tickling her just to see her cringe and laugh. Along the lines of hello and good-bye kisses, no matter how much of a rush he is in to get to work. Along the lines of apologizing after the fight. Along the lines of being excited about sitting next to her at meals after almost fifteen years of sitting at opposite ends of the table because she can't stand hitting his outstretched feet under the table. It's really in all the little things.

And most of all, thank you Daddy for loving my mother like Sis. Dalton taught in this talk:

I love you guys and thank you for setting the perfect example of what an eternal couple should be like. I am so sorry that I can't be there this year, but I know that it's only the first of many anniversaries that I will miss. good luck Daddy with your new job. Good luck Mommy with all your crafts and work and every other thing you juggle. Happy anniversary.

a reading goal

my reading goal for August 2013 to July 2014: read the 34 books on The Big Read list by NEA. advantageous, but I really love reading. plus, I've already read some of them. so I'm kind of cheating. maybe... I haven't decided about that part yet. finding all of these books could be interesting because I don't know how many of them I will be able to find at the libraries here. and I only have access to the electronic library of books back home. wish me luck!

for those wondering which books are included in The Big Read:

In the Time of the Butterflies Julia Alvarez

Bless Me, Ultima Rudolfo Anaya

Fahrenheit 451 Ray Bradbury

My Antonia Willa Cather

The Poetry of Emily Dickinson

Love Medicine Louise Erdrich

The Great Gatsby F. Scott Fitzgerald

A Lesson Before Dying Ernest J. Gaines

The Maltese Falcon Dashiell Hammett

A Farewell to Arms Ernest Hemingway

Sun, Stone, and Shadows (edited by) Jorge F. Hernandez

Their Eyes Were Watching God Zora Neale Hurston

Washington Square Henry James

The Poetry of Robinson Jeffers

The Namesake Jhumpa Lahiri

A Wizard of Earthsea Ursula K. Le Guin

To Kill a Mockingbird Harper Lee

The Call of the Wild Jack London

The Poetry of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Thief and the Dogs Naguib Mahfouz

The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter Carson McCullers

The Things They Carried Tim O’Brien

The Shawl Cynthia Ozick

Great Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe

True Grit Charles Portis

Housekeeping Marilynne Robinson

The Grapes of Wrath John Steinbeck

The Joy Luck Club Amy Tan

The Death of Ivan Ilyich Leo Tolstoy

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer Mark Twain

Into the Beautiful North Luis Alberto Urrea

The Age of Innocence Edith Wharton

The Bridge of San Luis Rey and Our Town Thornton Wilder

Old School Tobias Wolff

Happy Reading!

moved out

so school starts in a month. crazy life. this summer has been almost been separated into two parts: Tennessee and Utah. it's been all sorts of crazy too. before i moved to Utah, it was all about catching up with people, making last minute plans, packing up my life, and patching up and saying good-bye to people I will probably never see again. [scary thoughts, no?] now that I have moved to Utah, my life has been all about finding a job, keeping up with the family plans and having some fun. don't get me wrong, Utah is amazing and I love being able to draw a circle two hours wide, and being able to hit five uncles and four aunts, two sets of grandparents, and countless other extended family members. it's great... but I miss home. I miss the baby and toddler sounds in church. YSA branches are quiet enough that even if you snicker, the guy across the chapel can hear you. i miss my family, and all of the crazy times that we had just sitting around the house. i miss being able to pick a movie from the DVD's or Blu-ray's and watch it a couple of times without the Internet being a problem, or it costing me a buck twenty to rent it. i miss all of my friends! i miss being able to go out and hang out with them. it would be amazing to have plans during the week besides "what does great grandma have for me to do today!?" (although that will change just a little bit due to my job!) i miss home. i miss all of my adult leaders/friends. I miss the missionaries, for crying out loud.

but life will get better once I get my feet on the ground. I found a job, at a local grocery store. I am currently a bagger, but will hopefully being learning the ropes of cashier here soon. I love it so far. It kind of stinks when your feet and knees and hips go numb from standing in pretty much the same position for eight hours, but I am hoping that a trip to the local Wal-Mart and a Dr. Scholl's will help that out.

church is interesting, because i am fresh meat in town and all of the men are off their missions, dating a girl, and/or are too old for me to fathom right now. I know that it won't be better once school starts, but hopefully there will be some more girls closer to my age when that happens. i want to get settled here, but right now the whole stake is combined into one meeting right now, so it's kind of hard to find new people. a lot of the people are just waiting for their housing contract to be up so that they can move into a new ward... rough life. it's kind of hard because I want to find people my age, but I know that's close to impossible because they are all serving the Lord. I hope that I don't go two years without going on a date. Ugh, that would be awful on all sorts of levels.

let me just say this. living with your great grandmother sounds like a great idea and a great opportunity to get to know her a little bit better. and let me tell you, it has been really cool to spend some time with her and talk to her about her earlier life. but sometimes it's just plain rough. at about nine o'clock every night, I am in my room watching a movie on Netflix or watching one I rented from Redbox. She doesn't have more than some granola, toast with peanut butter and honey, or a smoothie for breakfast and doesn't have the fixings for much else. She eats things WAAAYY past expired out of her food storage and eats vegetables like they are going out of style. Don't get me wrong, it's been interesting to see all of the different ways you can make a green salad, but the otherwise light main courses are a little rough to eat sometimes. I mean, she doesn't eat meat. Canned chicken, a little bacon, and some tuna is all I have seen her make/eat in the three weeks I have been here. Where's the BEEF!?

I love her, but seriously, the generation gap may be a little much on this one.

the panel

it started as a joke a few years ago, but know that I am preparing for college, I am afraid that “The Panel” is actually becoming a legit thing.

Let me explain.

There have been many surrogate parents and aunts and uncles during my childhood. And a few of them have taken a special place in my heart. As I have become closer to marrying age (yeah, that’s weird!), these surrogate family members have joked around that they must have an opinion and must sit on the “Board of Review” if I am to bring a boy home. IF this boy is to become my spouse, then he must undergo quite an extensive interview process. Currently, “The Panel” has two former seminary teachers, my friend’s father, and my parents. And I am sure that the list will only grow when I finally DO find my eternal companion and when I finally bring him home for the final inspection. ;)

until then, let the panel grow.

time to grow up

Is it weird that I miss typing? That I miss my computer classes because I could sit and take notes with the computer. But that will soon become a reality when I can take my laptop anywhere and I can take notes on my laptop anytime I want. SCARY! College seems like such a great thing, but I am kind of scared about it. I mean, the experience sounds amazing, but the fact that it costs all this money…that’s the scary part. Loans, payment plans, interest payments. It’s all way too scary. I want to go back to complaining that $25 was too much to spend on something. Not $2,500 or $25,000. But that’s a fact of life: we grow up. The zeros pile onto our expenses as we try to pile them onto our paychecks. And that’s all we really can do, right? Is do our very best and pray that the Lord sees us through? Yes, that is all we can do. Be obedient, follow all of the commandments that the Lord has laid out for us and pray that your best scan be completed with the Lord’s merciful hand.

I am going to miss Tennessee. All of the friends, all of the family that I have made and have come to love, sentenced to a 1700 mile restraining order. It’s going to kill me. I love Tennessee. I can honestly say that I never thought I would say that. When I moved here in 2002, Tennessee was just going to be place #2 on the Map of My Heart. But now, Tennessee is number one. And it will always be. I’m officially a Tennessee Girl. Born in UT, but raised to love UT. It’s great to be a Tennessee Vol. Yes it is. Tennessee will always be a beautiful place. The rain, the wonderful shrubbery; all of it have no parallel. To be able to look out over one hill and see the next one, it’s all just so amazing. I thought when I was little that it was all one bad roller coaster, but man was I wrong. It’s all one beautiful valley that I get to call “Home” for forever more. “Never Let Go.” how fitting. You have to learn how to hold onto the past and learn from it. Never let go of those things that are important to you. Never let go of the values that you hold to be true. Never let go of your zeal for life. “Never letting go;” so much better than “YOLO” or any other lame catch phrase from this decade.

Live is going to be so different in the next couple of months. You talk about growing up fast. We leave for “life” in 18 days. And I don’t think that I am ready. I want to live in the security of home. I want to be able to see mom and dad every day. I don’t want to have to deal with all of the scary real life things: debt, living on my own. There are a few things that I can’t wait for though: to be a wife, to be called “Mommy,” and to be in charge of my own home. I want it so bad, but for some reason I know that it won’t be happening right away. The Lord has funny ways of revealing things to us, and I just have a feeling from reading my patriarchal blessing, from babysitting smaller children, and from being with my own siblings. I know that my husband and I will have some sort of teary good-bye. I will have some adorable children. I want this future, but at the same time I am so not ready for it. I want to be a child forever but I’m ready to grow up. When did decisions become so life-altering?! Goodness!

it’s been said

It takes a village to raise a child. And I always had an inkling of what that meant, until recently when I saw how true that statement really is. There are so many people who have touched my life and have helped me grow. All of the teachers, all of the coaches, all of the church members, all of the neighbors, all of the friends and all of the family members. It all adds up to a rather impressive village. And I just wanted to thank all of the village people for the wonderful woman that you have helped create.

Thank you to all of the teachers who have helped me learn the importance of an education and for guiding me to what I will be studying in college and will be going to school to become “when I get older".

Thank you to all of the coaches who have helped me to learn the importance of hard work and dedication. Even if I kicked and screamed while I did it.

Thank you to all of the church members who have helped me gain a testimony of the truthfulness of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For giving me great Sunday School lessons and Young Women lessons that helped me gain such a strong testimony that can be boiled down to FIVE things:

• God lives and loves EACH and EVERYONE of us. Regardless of our misdoings.
• Jesus Christ suffered for us and the Atonement is real. Through Christ and His ultimate Atonement, we can return to live with Heavenly Father and Christ again.
• The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ is what it says it is: Another Testament of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
• Joseph Smith, Jr. was a divine prophet who truly saw our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and restored the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ unto the Earth that we may all have the Gospel again.
• Thomas S. Monson is the true prophet of God and runs His church on the Earth today. President Monson and his counselors help the people of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and guide us so that we can return to our Heavenly Father.

Thank you to all of the neighbors who really were my village. Thank you for all of your sincere concern and care for me. It truly means the world to have good neighbors.

Thank you to all of the friends who have created a tight bond and have become my surrogate family. Thank you for making me feel loved and making Tennessee a home away from home. (Although, now Tennessee really IS home.)

Thank you to all of the family members who were my closest friends. Thank you for the countless memories and love that you have showered me in. Words can not express my love for you.

 

THANK YOU FOR MAKING A GREAT VILLAGE.

#GRADuation pictures

Okay, a little explanation. The Blue and Yellow cord is for Marketing and Business Academy at school.

The Light Blue and Gold cord is for Mu Alpha Theta, a Math Honors Society at school.

The White Stole is for National Honors Society.

The Blue and White Tassel is for National Honors Society as well.

Yes, I made my dress. It took me about 10 hours to complete and I started the Wednesday before Graduation. 

That picture with your Grandparents. Thank you so much Grandma and Grandpa for making the sacrifice and the flight out here to see us walk across a stage.

This was the best sibling photo. I do believe in the others I was looking at the other cameras. 

I love you Christian!

Dad wanted a photo from the Stage where we walked... so we got one! Everybody...

(Back, Left: Grandpa Graves, Mom, Julie, Rachel, Janelle, Dad, Grandma Graves.

Front, Left: Spencer, Russell, Christian, Hannah)

And then of just the family! I'm gonna miss you guys, but I am so excited at the same time for the new chapter of my life.

Rachel, Adrian, and Me. Adrian will always be a good friend. We meet Freshman year and have carried an super light and friendly relationship through Senior year. Thanks for the laughs Adrian and I wish you luck next year at Texas A&M!

Rachel and I got to walk across the stage at sort of the same time. Rachel's name was read first, and then mine, so we got to smile and wave together. :)

Rachel hugging Rachel... hehehe. Ms. Bast was the greatest guidance counselor a girl/boy could ask for. Seriously, the most fun and completely understanding of EVERYTHING. Mrs. Bolinger was awesome too. Super amazing at helping you find scholarships and always prepared. Mrs. Gray was amazing as well. She was firm handed but knew how to throw a PAR-TAY!

My church leaders decided to throw a dinner for all of the graduating Senior Girls one Wednesday night. While in the midst of dinner, one of the Junior Girls was on her way home from the activity at the church. She saw all of the cars lined up, and noted that she had some window paint in her car. So she drew '13 and "Happy Graduation" on all of our cars! It was so sweet of her and we kept it on for a few days before Dad made Rach and I wash it off. :(

I went to four graduations (one freshman year, one sophomore year, and then two others this year) before it was actually my turn to walk across the stage. This was Graduation #1 of this year for me. I was so jealous that they got to walk into Pomp and Circumstance played by a full orchestra.... beyond jealous actually. It was beautiful though.

This reminded me of a little boy that goes to my church. He has a hard time saying some sounds in front of words, so "exploded" "cleaning" and "smoking" often come out "sploded" "leaning" and "mokin."

Kelsey! She was my hangout buddy at the Band Banquet 2013, but congrats girlie on University of Tennessee-Knoxville. You will do great things!

NANA!!!! 

This is one of the best friends that I could ever have outside the church. I had some much fun with you throughout high school and I hope that life takes you far!

#GRADuated

so yeah. that big thing where you walk across a stage for the first time, collecting an envelope that is blank that you will later fill with a piece of cardstock with a couple of stamped names on it and  a couple of special seals--that happened. and i honestly feel no different. believe you me, i am BEYOND ecstatic to be done with high school, but the feelings of "o my goodness, I am an adult" and "o my gosh, I probably won't see most of these people again" hasn't really set in yet.

i have got to four different graduations before I was finally walking onto the Thompson-Boling Arena floor myself. i was such a relief to be waiting around for ME this time. don't get me wrong, it was fun to see all of my other friends graduate, but it was more of a relief to see my classmates on the jumbotron, rather than Bearden, Hardin Valley, and previous Farragut graduates. i was ready for it to be MY turn.

i am so proud of the "Dream Team" of Farragut. together we graduated 414 people, 90% of those earning a scholarship, 70% earning a 3.0 or higher, and collectively as a class earning a gross of $30 MILLION in scholarship money. CONGRATS! we have done it! i was doing a little bit of calculation in my head before they announced how much we had earned in scholarship money: Bearden earned $24.8 million; Hardin Valley earned just over $17.1 million. so congratulations again Dream Team for racking in the most scholarship money!

i have had so much fun during these last four years. so many memories that i will most likely cherish the rest of my life. heartaches, friendships, and memories that are best locked up: had my fair share of them. thank you to the wonderful teachers who have lead me down this path. thank you for being stern and "teacher-like" when you had to be, but always being able to laugh and care about us. thank you to all the teachers that became my friends, and a huge shout out to those that are reading this. you are my inspirations.

this graduation may be an ending, but it's also a beginning. a beginning of new things, that won't necessarily be better, but will push me to become better. a beginning of a life where i call most of the shots. a beginning where i can start to search for that eternal companion that will call me his queen. a beginning to find my "Happily Ever After" of the fairy tales. a new beginning.

AP Tests

are the worst. So draining.

But I can do this. I have trudged through 18 weeks of AP classes and four years of education to reach this day: one more AP test and one final day before graduation. I can do this. I have taken an English Literature AP test. I did my best I could on an essay portion that was going to kick my butt. I rocked the multiple choice. And I had an awesome teacher to help me through it all. I had a rocking English teacher last year that may or may not hate my guts. And I had some other awesome teachers that could not have been any more influential.

And I can rock that AP Statistics test tomorrow. I can do this because my Stats teacher has taught me everything I need to know. I can do this because I have tried very hard. And after the test tomorrow afternoon, I can check out. Completely. Like out of high school. Out of required education. Please help me get through the next day. Please! I just need a four on the exam. I can do this.