that time i actually won

one morning i didn't have to work until later in the afternoon

so i thought i would sleep in.

then i got a call from an unknown number at 6am alaska time.

now usually i do not answer phone calls from unknown numbers,

but something told me to pick it up...

so i did.

on the other end of the phone was a nice woman from the kaplan group,

and she was calling to let me know that my essay had been selected

as the winner in their annual business scholarship.

repeat: i had actually won a scholarship essay contest.

i was so groggy i could hardly comprehend what was being said

but at the same time, i was so excited.

i seriously think i cried after i hung up the phone.

they sent me an email confirming my acceptance of the scholarship,

i received my scholarship monies a few weeks later,

and then they published this article on their blog.

just thought i would leave it here for future posterity.

having sight, but no vision

passion and drive tend to loan people a spark of ingenuity or confidence to do something incredible in a moment of indecision or self-doubt. how many times has love drawn a shy man out of his shell to fumble across a room, only to fumble across his words as he speaks to a woman he finds spectacular? entrepreneurs, engineers, and scientists use drive to create new things, design new parts and change the way the world works. and all because they have a vision of what could be.

having sight but visionless connotates a man who has lost his passion or drive for his work. an entrepreneur who slugs through his day, with no movement forward. an engineer or scientist whose shoulders slump forward and whose head hangs down in defeat. they all signal a lost and directionless man. they have gotten so caught up in the details of their work that they have forgotten the bigger picture. they have forgotten how the tiniest protein in the chain of polypeptides can determine how the body reacts and breaks down it down. innovation and creativity come from men and women who realize that even the smallest parts are important in life.

it is my opinion that we all have passion and a drive to do things in our lives. being able to see the world around us is an added bonus, as long as we have a vision that will carry us at least into the next five years of our lives. some scientists work for fifteen years in a field before they publish something notable. entrepreneurs may try hundreds of models before they successful sell something. but they keep on going after all of these failures because they have a vision for what it could become. 

marveloptics.com

my number is twenty-three

a couple of years ago,

i fell for a friend's post online

and had to write 23 things about myself.

some things haven't changed, yet other's have.

1. i still love country music. the only reason i ever listen to pop radio

is because the country stations are playing commercials.

2. i still love western swing dancing.

it's been a little rough getting back into the saddle post mission, but it's still a thing.

3. i have been to a concert. i saw scotty mccreery live for $5 as part of his "see you tonight" tour.

waiting outside the doors wasn't too bad when you have good company.
rhett, me, andrew

third row my friends. for $5.
thank you utah state.

4. i have shot a gun. lots of times. and most times i have a pretty good shot too,

wyoming mountains make the best backdrop for pictures

5. i am still better at fixing other people's problems.

my dad calls it perspective; i call it free therapy.

6. i must have skipped this one.

so, i'll make one up.

i know spanish.

y si, puedo entenderte cuando hablas de mi.

7. i work at a grocery store again. 

and some days are better than others.

like wednesdays. i like wednesdays.

fridays and mondays not so much.

8. i still automatically respond to people's comments.

thank you customer service jobs.

9. the number is a lot bigger than three now.

10. i am getting better at recognizing faces.

it's still hard, but i can thank the mission for that.

if you can remember a unique quality about them,

it helps a lot.

11. to  16. 

nothing has changed.

but allow me to digest something:

i am an accounting major.

and yes, i like it.

there are a lot of numbers,

but even more principles and concepts to remember.

#appreciate_your_accountant

17. i found out that i won't have to take a calculus class

or any more math-intensive classes to graduate

and i cried a little tear of gratitude.

18. i now live with only three other girls.

and we are each other's sounding boards.

no hard feelings here!

19. my love life is still interesting like string theory,

but at least it's engaging now.

(no, that was not an announcement)

20. more than words can recount.

21. i have fixed myself of this habit.

(thank you mission)

but sometimes, it would be nice

to knock some sense into people.

22. that one has changed.

to quote keith urban,

"to, to kiss and tell, it's just not my style."

23. beards are still one of the most attractive things ever.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

these kinds of posts are kind of fun to write,

because i get to see my personal growth.

somethings haven't changed,

and i guess that just makes me, me.

progress is made

and i am thankful for the memories

that mark those changes.

thank you.

the rsm life

i am just going to put this out now:

the rsm life is a lot different than i thought it would be.

i will be honest with you:

i thought that being a sister missionary would change

more than it did.

now, allow me to explain two parts.

part 1: the idea

when i got home, i was expecting a crowd of friends from the ward or stake.

i was expecting that in the ensuing weeks between being home and starting school,

that i would go on a few dates, figure out a few more things about this "new" world.

then i would move into a new ward at school and it all would be different.

people would treat me differently because i had served a mission.

i would get asked on dates, have some more friends.

i needed to find a job, and preferably one that paid better than minimum wage.

i needed to start over. reinvent.

but still be me.

part 2: the reality

coming home off the plane, i had just left my companion in the airport an hour ago.

i had been awake since three am that morning, with only about five hours of sleep.

i had just left home in an alternate universe, and was stepping into reality again.

and i was just excited to hug my daddy.

i got off the plane. i tried to be one of the last ones off the plane,

and thanks to "missionary seating" as i like to call it, it wasn't a difficult feat.

and then i ran down the tarmac, left my luggage in the walk way

and hugged my daddy for the first time in eighteen months.

and then the rest of the family each got their hug, and it was all just a blur.

we took some pictures with the lovely people who had come to see me home

like my favorite young women's leader, kari kah

of course, the family. grandparents included.

and the wonderful tennessee family, as i would call it

fackrells, sis pesci, sis kah and son, vaughns.

i couldn't be happier with that happy moment. 

it truly was surreal to be in the knoxville airport again.

i had dreamt of the moment so many times, that it all played out like exactly that:

a dream.

we drove home. the wind had destroyed a wonderful sign that my siblings had poured their hearts into making, but it was a play on a sign that my aunts made for me before i left

and so it said:

welcome home janelle.

daddy had a nice little surprise for me in the driveway

a "gift" that i had requested.

and he let me drive it to the church to be set apart....

crazy father.

but anyway. i showed everyone some nicaraguan culture

and shared a few trinkets that i had brought home.

and then real life hit.

i was no longer a missionary. 

i was no longer a representative of

la iglesia de jesucristo de los santos de los ultimos dias.

i was no longer hermana graves.

i was janelle again.

and it hurt like heck

it's been said that as a missionary, you are set apart from the world.

and i promise you, it's true.

the lord walks beside you, and there are moments if you catch the light just right

you can see him there in the companionship.

there are no words that describe the feelings of complete exhaustion or complete excitement

at the end of the day.

a good day is one where everything went as planned, where nothing went planned,

or when nothing and everything went as planned.

but it was all okay, because you were on the lord's errand.

stepping out of that limelight was really hard.

because it was no longer about you being a missionary,

it was about you being a return missionary with all these things to do for you now.

going to rant: i hate it when people how my mission was and 

are satisfied with the answer ::great, thanks.::

i spent eighteen months serving the lord.

the word great does not do it justice.

i appreciate the thought of asking, but let me tell you a little bit about it.

i did not get along with all my companions. but i love them all.

i had a lot of converts who are not currently active in the church. and that hurts.

but then i also have a few converts who are strong. a few who have chosen the higher road.

i did not always have success.

but i was successful.

my mission was

invite others to come unto Christ by helping them receive the restored gospel,

through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His Atonement, repentance,

baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end. 

and i did it. 

and when i got home, i had no mission statement.

i had a few plans, but definitely no mission call.

and i was lost.

my extended family came and went,

and my family tried to finish their summer strong.

i went to the temple for the first time in almost eighteen months

and made it through a session without crying for joy.

but i was wandering.

then i picked up a job for a couple of weeks and was doing something again.

being out of the house, thinking of all the things that had changed.

friends married, with children, others engaged.

it all came down to same:

i felt like the time had just been frozen on the home front

but coming to terms with all the changes was difficult.

i really had to start from basically ground zero with everything.

for my birthday, my mom bought me a new wardrobe for the "post mish me."

a new phone. a new vehicle. a new job.

a new life.

and now here we are.

seven weeks home from the mission.

and still awkward as crap.

i haven't been ask on very many social outings.

i moved into the new ward, but don't have very many friends yet.

i love my roommates. i like my new classes.

i found a great job in the bakery at a local grocery store.

and i am no closer to figuring out a few more things about life than i was seven weeks ago.

the visions of being treated differently because i am a rsm are not what i thought them to be.

i'm just another one in the crowd. 

and it's taken some time to get adjusted to that.

i don't like being one of the crowd for very long.

and like a friend once told me "you jumped on that bandwagon."

the mission was an amazing experience where i got to see the lord bless his obedient servants.

i have seen many people change their lives and continue to change themselves because of the message that we as missionaries shared with them and their relatives and friends.

i have seen what happens to missionaries that follow the promptings of the spirit.

i have witnessed first hand the lord's hand of protection in my life and that of my companion.

i have seen the light of christ in the eyes of a boy willing to follow jesus with all energy of heart that he tells his mother to go to church every week. 

i have seen the hand of the lord in so many ways.

and now i am having a light problem and can't see through it.

in my institute class yesterday, my teacher began class with the story of the brother of jared.

when the brother of jared was given the instructions to build a ship, he went and did.

and then realized a couple of problems: no light, no air, and no steering.

the brother of jared then goes to the lord and converses with him of these dilemmas.

 the lord quickly responds that he will take care of the need for steering, and the plans were given to him to create air holes. but then the lord says: 

"what do you want me to do? i can't just give you everything."

he give him parameters, some guidance. and then says: "alright, go."

and this is where the miracle comes in:

if the brother of jared hadn't had his 'light problems', he would have missed the opportunity to 

see the savior.

that's right: without trials, he wouldn't have been able to grow enough,

to show the sufficient faith, to see first, the finger of the lord,

and then the body of the christ. 

the savior awaits to show himself unto us,

but we must muddle through and solve our light problems first.

god has given us the commandments (our own parameters)

and is giving us real time commentary on what to do (general conference, anybody?)

and there's more.

the brother of jared went and did.

he brainstormed and thought of something.

he acted

and created sixteen small stones out of rock.

but they would have just been rocks, without the ability to give off light

if the lord had not touched them.

we can do all the work.

we can go and act, and do, and be busy

trying to solve our light problems.

but if we don't accept that the lord has to help us,

that we can't do it all by ourselves

our efforts are just rocks.

right now, i guess it's time to re-evaluate my light problems,

turn them into rocks,

and have the faith in jesus christ

to ask him to turn them into the stones that will

"shine forth in darkness."

pray as though it all depended on God.

work as though everything depended on you.

-saint augustine

sisterly firsts

everybody asks what it is like having a twin sister.

imagine having your best friend with you all the time.

imagine being able to talk about anything and everything,

and she understands because she lives your life.

this statement is entirely true, because i have something

imperative to tell her every other second.

this year has been hard because the longest we have ever spent apart was this summer.

in nineteen years, the longest we had ever been apart was two weeks.

until this summer when i left her in logan the first weekend in may,

and didn't see her again until the middle of august.

hardest three and a half months of my life.

but, heaven knows it was a trial run of what my mission is going to be like.

as a kid, the teacher asks you who your best friend is,

and my answer was always rae.

i didn't have many "best friends" in school,

but rae was always there.

we walked through life together.

we started elementary school together.

we walked through the doors to middle school together.

high school was an adventure we took on together.

college was a life changer we supported each other through.

 i can't imagine walking onto a plane by myself,

meeting my future without her.

i'm tearing up just thinking about it.

firsts are always something we supported each other through.

rae got her first glasses and i was there to tell her she looked good in them.

rae judged me as i tried on my first colorguard uniform.

we were in the car together when we took our newly issued permits for the first spin.

we entered the temple together on our first time.

our first cross country drive was together.

and so many more.

but there are some firsts i haven't shared with her,

and firsts she hasn't shared with me.

i can't share or talk with her about the experiences of being endowed.

i can't show her the feelings i have about the people that i worked with this summer.

there are some feelings that i can't show her and it hurts.

i can't talk with her about her boyfriend,

because i've never had one.

i can give her advice based on the things i have seen from her life.

i am that voice of reason in the back of her head

that says "five dates before you bring him to meet the family."

the voice that says "i approve" and makes the relationship legit.

she trusts me, and i trust her.

there are so many things i want to share with her about the things i saw

in the temple, but i can't talk to her about them, mostly because

she can't go there with me. and it's killing me.

and there is nothing more in the world that i want than to share that with her.

there are so many beautiful things in the temple that i want to discuss

and she can't do it with me.

sure, i have my mom or my dad, or my wonderful family.

but i want my sister.

we will always be best friends.

we will always be the ones we turn to for advice.

but we are our own person and this is where the road takes us apart for a time.

but the roads run parallel, and we will be together. forever.

my mom always encouraged us to be our own person.

we never walked around in matching outfits.

coordinating, maybe, but never matching.

we were given the option: 

band or orchestra?

red or green?

vanilla or chocolate?

alone or together?

and in many ways, we are complete opposites.

i loved band. rae thrived at orchestra.

i love red, rae prefers the cooler color of green.

i love vanilla, she loves the chocolate heart attack of rocky road.

i love the silence of being alone, rae loves the social life.

but we dragged each other into each others lives.

rae drug me into so many dumb social activities that i ended up loving.

i got rae to enjoy vanilla bean ice cream.

but, we still support each other in our differences.

orchestra concerts are terribly boring, but i went.

rae went to football games for the social aspect, but loved to watch me perform.

we compliment each other.

we are each other's person.

she's my person.

where does the time go?

seriously, i feel like the summer still has months left in it. instead, there are just three short weeks between me and the beginning of a semester that i won't be participating in. maybe that's why i'm so lost. summer blends straight into fall for me, so there is no clear deadline for fun in the near future. my summer break extends clear into the fall break for my siblings.

so, where has the time gone? we made a weekend out of a stay in Grace, Idaho {aka the perfect small farming community.} i personally had a blast! we drove down friday night after show a few weeks ago and slept all over Momma Brady's house and lawn. we woke up the next morning to Momma Brady's delicious breakfast burritos and the discussion about some mexican salsa/pico de gallo. most of us spent the day wandering around Logan. i had some errands to run, so i went and saw Grandma Allen while i was there {but mostly to go shopping at Casa de la Grandma.}

once most of us were back from Logan, we helped Momma Brady with some outside chores as payback. because 20 hands make much lighter work than the two she was working with. ;) after the ground was good enough that she could lay seed, we went and did the only fun things to do in Grace: flooming and jumping at 60. what is that, you may ask? flooming is dangerously riding down the canal water down a floom {picture a slide suspended 200 feet above the river, and you have enough of an idea to get it} and then skipping across rotting boards laid along the top of the floom. jumping from 60 is about what it sounds like: jumping from a rock that extends over a spot in the river that is 60 feet deep. it was high enough, i probably could have attempted to tuck and roll, but i didn't get up the nerve to. a perfect summer bar-b-que and a sketchy game of kick the can later, we played a Bourne movie outside. one of those picturesque summer days full of dumb things you will probably never forget.

update on the love life: still sucks. Great Cuddler's missionary came home and i've been trying with futility to try and play it off cool. one of the girl's that i work with and Great Cuddler had a little stint, but they both agreed that it wasn't going to work and he apologized for dating someone after promising me that he wasn't going to date anyone because of the aforementioned missionary. a few weeks later, i get another cowboy to cuddle with. let's call him Cuddle Slut. he admits to it, so i don't feel bad about calling him one. Cuddle Slut is fantastic at the cuddle game. so good that i fell asleep in his arms for a solid week straight. no judgement needed. it was fantastic and i loved it. but then he stopped and we haven't cuddle since. so, please no judgement.

i got to ride a horse! and best thing about it: i got to do it for free! the resident Buckskin and i went on our day off and it was great. besides the saddle soreness that i had for the next three days. the views were amazing and the horse i had was pretty good. he seemed to really like the vegetation, but what horse doesn't?! let me just say, A-OK Corrals is the place to call up for a horseback-ride in Jackson. #shamelessplug

o yeah, and then this thing called a birthday happened. it's crazy, you wait all summer for one day to come, and then when that day comes, you can hardly believe it. and then the rest of the summer feels like it's running through an hourglass. nineteen was officially the dumbest birthday ever. except for maybe the gifts: birthday breakfast at Bubba's with Great Cuddler's cousin and Track Star {she's pretty much the best runner at ISU and is fantastic}, two new western shirts, a Jackson Hole t-shirt, a random collection of awesomeness from my friends, the most amazing orange Tennessee pants ever!, a "Home" t-shirt that my Momma made me and then a new belt for my new buckle! Momma Heather {the house cook} made me the most delicious Angel Food Cake with a strawberry glaze on it. i literally thought i was going to die of the perfection of it.

this past weekend was the Graves Family Reunion! this year, not at Lake Powell, but at Bear Lake. Grandma and Grandpa are on a mission, so we decided to do the reunion a little closer to them so that they could at least come up for the weekend. originally i was going to ask for the whole reunion off, but i decided to just take friday and saturday. friday i ended up spending as our "teenage outing" and driving around Ogden with Berkeley and Madeline and their EFY friend. it was different, but we had a lot of fun. Olive Garden, crazy selfies as we drove down the highway, and then a little bit of wasting time at Grandma and Grandpa's. i missed the sunny day at the beach, but we had a lot of fun. saturday we went up to Minnetoka Cave and hiked a 888-round trip stair cave route. 40 degrees constantly and up and down through the earth. i was originally nervous about hiking through a cave, but they have rock and metal stairs through the whole thing. we did end up spending a little bit of time on the beach, but unfortunately for me, it was in the evening on an overcast day. we played the cheeto-shaving cream-shower cap game with all the cousins and it ended up in a shaving cream-shoving fight. only a few people ended up with shaving cream in their eyes, but it was worth the little bit of pain. best fun that i have ever started with all the cousins. ;)




  

time.

what a weird four letter word. it holds so much power with it, too. 

it's bizarre to think that two years ago today, i was frantically finishing a presentation for the parents of governor's school participants. a year ago today, i was hanging out around the house, worrying about chores and packing for a road trip two weeks out. today, i'm worrying about getting the smoke out of the blankets i took camping last night and about getting a cowboy to pay enough attention to me to take me out. 

time. what a silly thing. my friends have their mission calls and are preparing for the fateful day when they will enter the MTC. other friends are fretting over the details of another fateful day: their wedding day. and yet others are worrying about getting all their summer vacation tucked into the next few weeks. then there's me, just worrying about my job, my crippled love life, and remembering people's names. 

time. it slips away from you. i can't believe that i haven't seen my sister in six weeks, my family in six months, some of my friends in over a year. it's just wrong. it makes me ache for the "good times" back. those careless summer nights when we played hide-and-go-seek in the backyard of nice neighbors. those crazy fall nights when i spent all night in a ridiculous costume, freezing my butt off, cheering for the football team. those awful spring nights where i was up until midnight or one am writing a paper. i'm gonna say it: i miss high school. don't get me wrong, there are something things i DON'T miss. but the simplicity of life sure was nice. i miss my laurel friends. the semi-adult life stinks, man.

i want the simplicity of life back. 

ruining a friendship

I have ruined a friendship. And this is what I need to say. 

I shouldn't have let myself care. But I did. I let myself fall for a claimed man and my foolish heart thought I could change his mind and help him realize that I am better than she. I shouldn't have said or done anything to let him know I cared. I should have kept it bottled up. But now, it's too late. The beans have been spilled and he no longer wants me around. I have ruined a friendship. One I cared deeply about. I have ruined it by showing emotions. 

I should have guarded my heart. I should have let you go. I should have let you live your life and let me in as you saw fit. I should have been aloof and let you be with her. I have ruined a friendship. I have ruined it with my heart. 

I shouldn't have flirted. I shouldn't have shown you how I cared. I shouldn't have told you that someone cared and stood up for you when others were demeaning. I shouldn't have been around you, to let you know I cared. I should have been aloof. I should have let us never be in my mind. I have ruined a friendship. I have ruined it with love. 

I should have realized you didn't care about me. I should have realized that you liked another. I should have realized that the times you let me in were rare and that you let me in with care. I should have treasured the times you let me in and never begged for more. I just wanted you to show some of the emotions I knew you had. I just wanted you to ruin the friendship. I wanted you to ruin it with emotions. 

I wanted you. I want you still. But another claims your heart. Another holds you close. Another has the key that I will never be able to hold. Another doesn't realize how much I like you so. Another doesn't realize how much I wanted you to ruin the friendship. Another doesn't realize how much I wanted you to ruin it with your emotions. 

I was a terrible person. I wanted you to leave her. I wanted you for my own. I wanted to share a kiss. I wanted you to let me in. I wanted to ruin a friendship and be in a relationship. 

But that is all gone now. You have set me down. You have realized what a terrible player of the game of love I am. You have realized that I wanted in and you have pushed me out. I have ruined a friendship by showing how much I care.  

a case made.

boys always say that girls are super complicated.

well, can I make a case that the males in our lives are the reasons that we are deemed "complicated."

point number #1:
this one begins with a story. friday night, provolone, never nude, rae, panic, and i gathered some friends and went over to never nude's home for a bonfire and some *clean* fun. i invited HIM out of good friendship and thought nothing more of it. friday night came and we had made our way over with out friends. HE showed up late with an unexpected guest: a girl. that i had never met before. {now, before i sound like a jealous wench, let me say: no. i am not. but it did bug me that i got NO notice that HE was a bringing a girl, or even a friend along with.} i kind of let it go, and i brought them around to the rest of the party and he didn't even introduce her and she made no effort to do it either. the rest of the evening my roommates and friends festered over and were calling him slightly inappropriate things to the fire. {i feel bad for the fire; it never did anything to us to deserve the conversation that we had with it.} he and his friend-girl stayed to themselves, and the only words he said to me THE ENTIRE NIGHT were "[insert her name here] got called into work. see ya later. thanks." i was fuming. i waited until i could see his truck driving away before i screamed "a$$ hole" after his taillights. it felt good. point number one: my trust will not be given out so easily.

point number #2:
they all have to play the "rough and tough" game and so dang aloof the whole time. why?! we WANT to get to know you and we want to understand how your brain can work so differently than ours. i like it when i don't have to jump through flaming hoops to get to know you. girls act like we don't like you because we can't read your feelings for us and when we do show you our feelings, we just get trampled on. don't hurt us and then we can be less complicated. JUST LET US IN. point number two: we just want to understand you.

point number #3:
the brain is complicated. so is life. so naturally, we are both complicated in our own rights. but boys, more so.

interesting.

My friend post this link on Facebook today, and I was intrigued. So, I took the little seven question quiz to figure out which Miranda Lambert song I am.

And it hit it pretty dang close to home. (pun not intended) "The House That Built Me" is the song that they came up with.

"You are sentimental and thoughtful. Life hasn’t always been kind to you, but you would not change a thing. You take to heart the lessons you’ve learned and are a better person because of them. You enjoy a slower pace of life these days. You appreciate the few extremely close friends and family in your life more than a big group of acquaintances."

Hit the nail pretty close to home. I do enjoy little moments, and little snippets of life. I enjoy life, and even though sometimes I hate it, I learn from it and attempt to move on. {As you can see, sometimes, it's easier said than done.} I miss the slower pace of home, and I really don't like the quick pace of school right now. I love my close friends, and I find it really hard to let people in, because the some of the people I have let get close end up hurting me (although, in their defense) unbeknownst to them. 

I love my life and although there are a few things I want in my life, I have everything I need. A great family, a loving Father in Heaven who loves me no matter what dumb things I do, faith in His plan, an amazing education, and great friends. 

the logan hot tubs

apparently close at eleven.

so we almost got a citation when we showed up at Rae’s friend’s hot tubs and the po-pos showed up. #awkward…

but he was chill and wasn't overly annoying about the fact that we were a bunch of college students in a hot tub after hours. thank you cop. you earned respect.


we looked too good in our swimsuits to not share with the world our awesomeness.

       Panic                 Rae                    Never Nude              Me

spring break

was interesting. Work was having a HUGE sale, so it was hopeless to even think about asking for it off. So, I took other people's shifts so that they could go and do spring break things.

my roommates ditched me on Sunday. thankfully, Aunt Colee that asked if I would like to come to dinner, so after church I ditched town as fast as possible.

monday: lonely cleaning, some Big Bang Theory, donating plasma (made $35, too!) then work. I had plans to go up to Rigby that night at stay with my aunt and her chillens, but I was late leaving Logan because I locked me keys in my car. First time for everything, right? Thankfully I have some good friends who were able to take me back to my apartment and then back to work to pick up my car, so the whole ordeal only cost me $3 (for the manager to open my apartment) rather than the ticket for a locksmith. With that in mind, I made it to Rigby around 11 pm on Monday... longest drive of my life. Two and half hours by yourself is not fun. Especially when it decides to snow.

tuesday: a lot more fun. i got to hang out with my cousins and help me aunt out a tiny little ounce. i learned that just because your picture is on the fridge, doesn't mean that your youngest cousin will recognize you, or even cuddle with you when he is sick. Urn was nice enough to zone my feet that night while we watched Season 2 of Downtown Abbey and o my gosh! it was wonderful. if you have never had it done, it's like the best worst foot massage ever.

wednesday: i stayed up in Rigby until noon-ish because i had to work (i mentioned that i hate work, right?). that night i came home to the guys who live next door in the apartment across the hall (*disclaimer* one of the boys has a sister that lives in that apartment) even though none of the girls were home. come to find out that they just wanted some putty to fix a whole in the wall. i hung out with them for a few hours, but still ended up going to bed around eleven because we ran out of things to do/talk about.

thursday: i invited some friends over for breakfast and it was a lot of fun. pancakes, fruit, friends. such great things! work wasn't too bad that night because i got off a few minutes early. hallelujah! thursday was also the day that i found out that Mormon boys do sit around in just their underwear when they are alone. just trust me.

friday: no work to pass the time, so i finished a season of Big Bang Theory and then I took my healthy self and went and donated plasma and made FIFTY BUCKS! (go and donate plasma, put my name down as a reference. #shamelessplug) Then I called up Aunt Fluffy and asked if I could come and borrow her laundry equipment for a few hours. She of course had no problem with it, so I went and helped out her and did my five loads of laundry at her house. yeah, Rae and I do five loads of laundry every two weeks. I would have stayed the night with Fluffy, but I had to work Saturday morning, so I decided I should probably get a good night's rest.

saturday: a 10:30 to 7 shift. a heavenly shift as a cashier. call me crazy, but I seriously love that shift! i got to sleep in, go to work, and still had enough of an evening to go and hang out with my single uncle, Juan, and his friends that night without being super exhausted! some of my friends had returned by the time I got done with work, so I hung out for a little while with them and caught up on their adventures of Spring Break.

sunday: ward council at 10:30 was slim, but spiritual as ever. Bambi came home about a half an hour before church started, so I got to have at least one friend at church with me. :) i ended up being the chorister in sacrament meeting because the chorister was still out with her family, and the organist (who was one of my close friends!) let me fall asleep on the stand!!! thankfully, i was pretty well hidden behind the organ, so only one or two people could see me, but I apparently missed a really awesome talk. i was super bummed... after church i had to kind of twiddle my thumbs and find things to do before my roommates started coming home (Bambi left with her family after church, so she wasn't home until later). I did a little happy dance when Rae and Panic finally made it home. Never Nude and Provolone made it home a little bit before they, but they were busy putting together a new bookshelf for Provolone.

nevertheless, it was okay. lonely and long, but okay.

never been kissed.

everyone always asks me how it is that I am in college and never been kissed. it's a rather simple answer, really. the opportunity never presented itself. I was one of those girls who never really had a serious relationship in high school and the guys here at college have been all talk and no action. 

the next question is always, "do you want to be kissed?" yes, I do. but I was always taught and shown that kisses are something to be treasured, not something that you share with the whole pond of frogs. I am sure the time will come when I do have my first kiss, but for now, I will be contempt with my unkissed lips and realize that it won't be magical. 

this has been another rant, and probably overpersonal blog post. 

a semester update

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my mind at the moment.

i am supposed to be doing homework, but you see how well that is working out...

so far the semester is going well. i have three classes in the business building (which is all the way on the other side of campus for me... :S), one in the huge concert hall on campus, and my favorite class of all is my Western Swing class. i got into the advanced class, and i couldn't be more excited. the one problem about that class is that he is in that class. i try and be his friend, but it really is proving to be hard. he will ask me to dance every once in a while, and he will talk with me, but he really doesn't try too hard to seek me out. he probably figures that i will seek him out and it's honestly the truth, but i'm still sad.

the mission thoughts aren't helping confuse matters much either. i'm NOT going to declare dating abstinence before i go on a mission, but seriously. the fish ain't biting.

we met some new guys two weeks ago and one of them is now rae's boyfriend (although they haven't called it that yet, they have spent time with each other EVERY day since they have met) and the other one is super into one of my new roommates, Bambi. Bambi is super cute and has captured  every guy's heart within a mile radius. she's a return missionary, three months off the boat from Lima, Peru. she's so adorable and i love her enthusiasm for the gospel and her easy love for others. {Never Nude is our other new roommate and she is super hilarious. she's really outgoing and is always ready to party. lol, seriously.}

work is going well. i haven't worked too many hours the last few weeks, but i'm hoping as we get closer to one of our HUGE case lot sales, that i will get more hours. i am still doing a lot of bagging, but i help quite frequently with cashiering. i get paid the same rate, regardless of what kind of shift i am working. lovely minimum wage.... :S

so a future missionary, lots of reading, awesome new roommates, no interested boys. pretty much sums it up.

Life to Her Years

So a friend posted this link on Facebook, and I am missing my Daddy today, so I looked at it.

My Daddy did a pretty good job doing them all. Some of them he didn't do, but that's okay. I know he loves me.

So then I just went and checked out Michael Mitchell's wonderful blog/tumblr thing. And this one really made me miss my Daddy.

"A little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter: “Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don’t fall into the river.” 

The little girl said: “No, Dad. You hold my hand.”

“What’s the difference?” Asked the puzzled father.

“There’s a big difference,” replied the little girl.

“If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go."

from Thoughtful Mind via J.T. Scully

Isn't it beautiful?! I can't wait to see my Daddy tomorrow and to hold his hand and to have him hold my hand. I love that man and even though we often butted heads while I was in high school, all the pieces of advice that I stubbornly ignored in high school have come biting me in the butt in college. I love my daddy and he definitely knew what he was talking about when he gave me advice. 

I love you, Daddy. 

See you tomorrow. :)

a love-ly update

my love life is seriously in the tanks.

the guy that i did like is practically in love with another girl who is just waiting through the days before she goes on her mission. i have done pretty much everything to try and be cool and be his friend, but that just wasn't working for me. i was letting him string me out and i finally had enough of it last wednesday at swing dancing. he spent the entire evening attached to her like she was his girlfriend and if i am honest with myself, i was so jealous. i wanted him to be looking at me like that, like i was the girl that he wanted to spend time with, not the clingy girl that needs affirmation from him. so after i dropped off my passengers off at the apartment, i went and spent some time in the car, writing down my last good-bye down on a napkin. yea, a napkin.

i wrote down all the feelings that i had and told him everything that i had ever wanted to say. but i can't tell bring myself to tell him about. to go up to him and tell him.

so i really have no idea what to do, except to avoid looking for his truck in the parking lot and try and connect with other people at swing dancing. to not hang around him and try not to get him to ask me for a dance. to finally heed my parents' and ryan's advice and make him do the work. be a girl for once and let him do the work.

and how difficult that is proving.