a married twin.

before i left on my mission, 

i shared some deep thoughts about rae,

and the love i have for her.

well somethings never change.

sure i have to share her now,

but there are worst things.

all my life i have felt like the pioneer of the family.

the example that everyone looked up to.

and it never really bugged me.

i honestly love being about to look at what others have done

and improving. make it all my own. 

and having someone there to take it from me

and keep it going.

i think that's honestly why i loved training sisters on my mission.

it was difficult, and there were several weepy nights,

but i grew.

and as i read emails from my family each week,

i realized that we were all growing.

sometimes when you don't see the progress daily

you see the progress actually happening.

the "ah ha" moment after you step back

and get a better view.

rae got married. 

and it was probably the hardest thing for me to grasp.

because one, IT'S A HUGE DEAL.

and two, it's an important first that i didn't make first.

and i was kind of jealous for a little.

(after getting over the initial shock of a having an engaged twin sister).

i couldn't be the first daughter married.

but then it hurt.

because she would have to take this journey without my full attention.

i was just another friend, far far away.

growing up is kind of hard...

and watching your best friend do it alone

was really hard.

but you know what?

she did it.

photo creds to a twist of lemon photography

and dang didn't she look good doing it.

now that i have met my brother in law in person

it makes the realization that she is married a little easier.

i know that eric is a good man,

and that he will treat her right.

she's in good hands.

and now we can do a lot of things that it hurt me not to be able to do.

we can go to the temple together (check!)

we can talk about all that we have seen.

and we can enjoy the promise that if we are faithful,

we will have eternal life.

"Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, 

feasting upon the word of Christ,

and endure to the end, 

behold, thus saith the Father: 

Ye shall have eternal life."

2 nephi 31:20

isn't that promise enough to make you happy forever?

no shave november

it's pretty much the most fun month ever.

let me explain:

I LOVE BEARDS.

spending the next eighteen months 

around beardless men

may be a little interesting for me. 

mostly because,

beards are the best thing ever.

i mean, this guy rocked a beard:

so anyone can rock a beard.

well, except for maybe this guy/woman/it:

no michael jackson, 

just no. 

you don't deserve a beard.

this is a very accurate description of it all.

my three rules about beards:

-1- keep it trimmed, even if you are growing it out.

i shave my legs for you, you can keep your beard trimmed.

-2- i understand that your beard doesn't grow all the way in,

it takes a special man to have a full and non-patchy beard.

i will take it as it is, but don't complain about it.

-3- do not look like the bush man. keep it shaped.

but i'll just leave you with this:

where does the time go?

seriously, i feel like the summer still has months left in it. instead, there are just three short weeks between me and the beginning of a semester that i won't be participating in. maybe that's why i'm so lost. summer blends straight into fall for me, so there is no clear deadline for fun in the near future. my summer break extends clear into the fall break for my siblings.

so, where has the time gone? we made a weekend out of a stay in Grace, Idaho {aka the perfect small farming community.} i personally had a blast! we drove down friday night after show a few weeks ago and slept all over Momma Brady's house and lawn. we woke up the next morning to Momma Brady's delicious breakfast burritos and the discussion about some mexican salsa/pico de gallo. most of us spent the day wandering around Logan. i had some errands to run, so i went and saw Grandma Allen while i was there {but mostly to go shopping at Casa de la Grandma.}

once most of us were back from Logan, we helped Momma Brady with some outside chores as payback. because 20 hands make much lighter work than the two she was working with. ;) after the ground was good enough that she could lay seed, we went and did the only fun things to do in Grace: flooming and jumping at 60. what is that, you may ask? flooming is dangerously riding down the canal water down a floom {picture a slide suspended 200 feet above the river, and you have enough of an idea to get it} and then skipping across rotting boards laid along the top of the floom. jumping from 60 is about what it sounds like: jumping from a rock that extends over a spot in the river that is 60 feet deep. it was high enough, i probably could have attempted to tuck and roll, but i didn't get up the nerve to. a perfect summer bar-b-que and a sketchy game of kick the can later, we played a Bourne movie outside. one of those picturesque summer days full of dumb things you will probably never forget.

update on the love life: still sucks. Great Cuddler's missionary came home and i've been trying with futility to try and play it off cool. one of the girl's that i work with and Great Cuddler had a little stint, but they both agreed that it wasn't going to work and he apologized for dating someone after promising me that he wasn't going to date anyone because of the aforementioned missionary. a few weeks later, i get another cowboy to cuddle with. let's call him Cuddle Slut. he admits to it, so i don't feel bad about calling him one. Cuddle Slut is fantastic at the cuddle game. so good that i fell asleep in his arms for a solid week straight. no judgement needed. it was fantastic and i loved it. but then he stopped and we haven't cuddle since. so, please no judgement.

i got to ride a horse! and best thing about it: i got to do it for free! the resident Buckskin and i went on our day off and it was great. besides the saddle soreness that i had for the next three days. the views were amazing and the horse i had was pretty good. he seemed to really like the vegetation, but what horse doesn't?! let me just say, A-OK Corrals is the place to call up for a horseback-ride in Jackson. #shamelessplug

o yeah, and then this thing called a birthday happened. it's crazy, you wait all summer for one day to come, and then when that day comes, you can hardly believe it. and then the rest of the summer feels like it's running through an hourglass. nineteen was officially the dumbest birthday ever. except for maybe the gifts: birthday breakfast at Bubba's with Great Cuddler's cousin and Track Star {she's pretty much the best runner at ISU and is fantastic}, two new western shirts, a Jackson Hole t-shirt, a random collection of awesomeness from my friends, the most amazing orange Tennessee pants ever!, a "Home" t-shirt that my Momma made me and then a new belt for my new buckle! Momma Heather {the house cook} made me the most delicious Angel Food Cake with a strawberry glaze on it. i literally thought i was going to die of the perfection of it.

this past weekend was the Graves Family Reunion! this year, not at Lake Powell, but at Bear Lake. Grandma and Grandpa are on a mission, so we decided to do the reunion a little closer to them so that they could at least come up for the weekend. originally i was going to ask for the whole reunion off, but i decided to just take friday and saturday. friday i ended up spending as our "teenage outing" and driving around Ogden with Berkeley and Madeline and their EFY friend. it was different, but we had a lot of fun. Olive Garden, crazy selfies as we drove down the highway, and then a little bit of wasting time at Grandma and Grandpa's. i missed the sunny day at the beach, but we had a lot of fun. saturday we went up to Minnetoka Cave and hiked a 888-round trip stair cave route. 40 degrees constantly and up and down through the earth. i was originally nervous about hiking through a cave, but they have rock and metal stairs through the whole thing. we did end up spending a little bit of time on the beach, but unfortunately for me, it was in the evening on an overcast day. we played the cheeto-shaving cream-shower cap game with all the cousins and it ended up in a shaving cream-shoving fight. only a few people ended up with shaving cream in their eyes, but it was worth the little bit of pain. best fun that i have ever started with all the cousins. ;)




  

time.

what a weird four letter word. it holds so much power with it, too. 

it's bizarre to think that two years ago today, i was frantically finishing a presentation for the parents of governor's school participants. a year ago today, i was hanging out around the house, worrying about chores and packing for a road trip two weeks out. today, i'm worrying about getting the smoke out of the blankets i took camping last night and about getting a cowboy to pay enough attention to me to take me out. 

time. what a silly thing. my friends have their mission calls and are preparing for the fateful day when they will enter the MTC. other friends are fretting over the details of another fateful day: their wedding day. and yet others are worrying about getting all their summer vacation tucked into the next few weeks. then there's me, just worrying about my job, my crippled love life, and remembering people's names. 

time. it slips away from you. i can't believe that i haven't seen my sister in six weeks, my family in six months, some of my friends in over a year. it's just wrong. it makes me ache for the "good times" back. those careless summer nights when we played hide-and-go-seek in the backyard of nice neighbors. those crazy fall nights when i spent all night in a ridiculous costume, freezing my butt off, cheering for the football team. those awful spring nights where i was up until midnight or one am writing a paper. i'm gonna say it: i miss high school. don't get me wrong, there are something things i DON'T miss. but the simplicity of life sure was nice. i miss my laurel friends. the semi-adult life stinks, man.

i want the simplicity of life back. 

ruining a friendship

I have ruined a friendship. And this is what I need to say. 

I shouldn't have let myself care. But I did. I let myself fall for a claimed man and my foolish heart thought I could change his mind and help him realize that I am better than she. I shouldn't have said or done anything to let him know I cared. I should have kept it bottled up. But now, it's too late. The beans have been spilled and he no longer wants me around. I have ruined a friendship. One I cared deeply about. I have ruined it by showing emotions. 

I should have guarded my heart. I should have let you go. I should have let you live your life and let me in as you saw fit. I should have been aloof and let you be with her. I have ruined a friendship. I have ruined it with my heart. 

I shouldn't have flirted. I shouldn't have shown you how I cared. I shouldn't have told you that someone cared and stood up for you when others were demeaning. I shouldn't have been around you, to let you know I cared. I should have been aloof. I should have let us never be in my mind. I have ruined a friendship. I have ruined it with love. 

I should have realized you didn't care about me. I should have realized that you liked another. I should have realized that the times you let me in were rare and that you let me in with care. I should have treasured the times you let me in and never begged for more. I just wanted you to show some of the emotions I knew you had. I just wanted you to ruin the friendship. I wanted you to ruin it with emotions. 

I wanted you. I want you still. But another claims your heart. Another holds you close. Another has the key that I will never be able to hold. Another doesn't realize how much I like you so. Another doesn't realize how much I wanted you to ruin the friendship. Another doesn't realize how much I wanted you to ruin it with your emotions. 

I was a terrible person. I wanted you to leave her. I wanted you for my own. I wanted to share a kiss. I wanted you to let me in. I wanted to ruin a friendship and be in a relationship. 

But that is all gone now. You have set me down. You have realized what a terrible player of the game of love I am. You have realized that I wanted in and you have pushed me out. I have ruined a friendship by showing how much I care.  

a case made.

boys always say that girls are super complicated.

well, can I make a case that the males in our lives are the reasons that we are deemed "complicated."

point number #1:
this one begins with a story. friday night, provolone, never nude, rae, panic, and i gathered some friends and went over to never nude's home for a bonfire and some *clean* fun. i invited HIM out of good friendship and thought nothing more of it. friday night came and we had made our way over with out friends. HE showed up late with an unexpected guest: a girl. that i had never met before. {now, before i sound like a jealous wench, let me say: no. i am not. but it did bug me that i got NO notice that HE was a bringing a girl, or even a friend along with.} i kind of let it go, and i brought them around to the rest of the party and he didn't even introduce her and she made no effort to do it either. the rest of the evening my roommates and friends festered over and were calling him slightly inappropriate things to the fire. {i feel bad for the fire; it never did anything to us to deserve the conversation that we had with it.} he and his friend-girl stayed to themselves, and the only words he said to me THE ENTIRE NIGHT were "[insert her name here] got called into work. see ya later. thanks." i was fuming. i waited until i could see his truck driving away before i screamed "a$$ hole" after his taillights. it felt good. point number one: my trust will not be given out so easily.

point number #2:
they all have to play the "rough and tough" game and so dang aloof the whole time. why?! we WANT to get to know you and we want to understand how your brain can work so differently than ours. i like it when i don't have to jump through flaming hoops to get to know you. girls act like we don't like you because we can't read your feelings for us and when we do show you our feelings, we just get trampled on. don't hurt us and then we can be less complicated. JUST LET US IN. point number two: we just want to understand you.

point number #3:
the brain is complicated. so is life. so naturally, we are both complicated in our own rights. but boys, more so.

never been kissed.

everyone always asks me how it is that I am in college and never been kissed. it's a rather simple answer, really. the opportunity never presented itself. I was one of those girls who never really had a serious relationship in high school and the guys here at college have been all talk and no action. 

the next question is always, "do you want to be kissed?" yes, I do. but I was always taught and shown that kisses are something to be treasured, not something that you share with the whole pond of frogs. I am sure the time will come when I do have my first kiss, but for now, I will be contempt with my unkissed lips and realize that it won't be magical. 

this has been another rant, and probably overpersonal blog post. 

shooting guns

i shot a gun. fun story actually.

so we met these guys two weeks ago tomorrow. sometime between then and sunday, it got brought up that rae and i had never been shooting. so these two boys invited us to go shooting with them on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. so we dressed up in our cowboy boots and warm sweatshirts and drove over to a spot right outside Smithfield.

we got to the final hill (the shooting range was in the mountain), we noticed that it was super icy. tanner (one of the guys) went up first in his ford focus and tried to make it. we got about a quarter mile up the road before tanner's car decided it didn't like the ice. we got out and messed around for a little bit in the ice, before we pushed his car around and rode back down to the road. the four of us then piled into zach's jeep (one of the other four people that went with us) and got a better "running" start up the mountain. there was a boy scout troop at the range, so we improvised and just shot over the fence into another part of the range. tanner, zach, and josh all had brought their shot guns, so we messed around with some clay pigeons for a few hours. casey had brought his 9mm handguns, so he and rae played with those and some of our not-too-badly-destroyed clays.  i tried so hard to be a good shot, but that really didn't work out. i was apparently just below the disc every time, so i guess i just have to aim a little bit higher, or wait a little bit longer to shoot.

the last half hour or so, we decided to have a competition. tanner and i went first. i shot at three clays, while he shot "back-up"{meaning he shot at the clay when i missed them} and he hit two of his own clays. so, we scored a 3.5. {each shot you got was one point, a half point if the back-up got it.}

rae and casey scored a 4.0; zach and his date tied with his brother, josh, and ashley with a 4.5.

so naturally we had to have a tie breaker. they tried the double disc throw, but that didn't break the tie either, so we just called it a day after that.

we piled all the stuff back up and drove back to Logan. all over, a great morning. fun, but not really something that would hit very high on the list of things to do on a day off.

rae and i

tanner, casey, josh and ashley

zach and his date

tanner and casey

a love-ly update

my love life is seriously in the tanks.

the guy that i did like is practically in love with another girl who is just waiting through the days before she goes on her mission. i have done pretty much everything to try and be cool and be his friend, but that just wasn't working for me. i was letting him string me out and i finally had enough of it last wednesday at swing dancing. he spent the entire evening attached to her like she was his girlfriend and if i am honest with myself, i was so jealous. i wanted him to be looking at me like that, like i was the girl that he wanted to spend time with, not the clingy girl that needs affirmation from him. so after i dropped off my passengers off at the apartment, i went and spent some time in the car, writing down my last good-bye down on a napkin. yea, a napkin.

i wrote down all the feelings that i had and told him everything that i had ever wanted to say. but i can't tell bring myself to tell him about. to go up to him and tell him.

so i really have no idea what to do, except to avoid looking for his truck in the parking lot and try and connect with other people at swing dancing. to not hang around him and try not to get him to ask me for a dance. to finally heed my parents' and ryan's advice and make him do the work. be a girl for once and let him do the work.

and how difficult that is proving.