a seminary trick

i still remember this trick from seminary,

although it has been almost eight years.

open the book of mormon.

ask left or right.

ask again.

count the verses,

ask for a number in that range.

give a spiritual thought from that verse.

sometimes you come up with 

some very difficult scriptures.

but tonight, i came up with this

beautiful verse from alma:

my joy is full because

i know that my redeemer lives.

i know that i have someone

who has truly felt every pain and heartache

that may come my way.

a believer's prayer was performed so beautifully

in church yesterday by some good friends

and the entire time, the spirit just kept coming

in waves of confirmation.

the believer's prayer is heard.

and if you cannot have belief,

a desire to believe will be enough for now.

an eternal family

there is something wonderful to know that 

the lord blessed us with the opportunity to have an eternal family. 

this past year was one of the hardest testimony testers for me. 

in may, i had to say goodbye over the phone, 

from 3000 miles away to a beloved grandfather. 

and just this december i never got to meet a wonderful little cousin.

there is something heartbreaking about two funerals in one year. 

one for a man who got to live a full-ish life and a man who never got to live. 

but somehow, there is a peace that lives in my heart. 

a knowledge and conviction that my family can be together forever 

allows me to put one foot in front of the other 

and not be a hot mess of emotions and grief. 

grandpa is waiting for us. 

he's preparing the mansion in heaven that we will all share. 

and little sam is there with grandpa, 

learning as a child should 

from such a wonderful role model. 

and sometimes i get a little jealous of the angels.

but it helps the aching heart to know that they are happy.

my soul was racked with eternal torment;
but i am snatched, and my soul is pained no more.

this was the scripture that we found open in the days

after my grandfather's funeral.

there were probably some of his last words

he read from the scriptures before his death.

and what a powerful statement.

my soul is pained no more.

looking back on that week, and the letter i wrote

home, i realized that i was being prepared well

before i even knew something was astray.

i had been studying in the book of mormon

and reading in the doctrine and covenants

about what happens to man after he leaves this life.

and what a comfort this scripture still is to me:

and the next verse says: 

and then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those

 who are righteous are received into a state of happiness,

which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, 

where they shall rest from all their troubles 

and from all care, and sorrow.

the way i talk

the way i talk

it's become a quick favorite for me.

makes it a little bit better

that morgan is from knoxville, tennessee

just like yours truly.

but a lot has changed in the last little while

with the way i talk.

today marks two years since i entered the mtc

and started one of life's big journeys:

a full-time service mission for

the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints.

i now speak with a little utah vocab,

heck, fetch and crap.

a little bit of that tennessee drawl,

y'all, darling, sweetheart.

there are a few more spanish pleasantries mixed in,

gracias, por favor, and hola.

and now the vocab of a returned missionary,

college, work, homework.

the way i talk

is now a little bit more grown-up.

i am trying to grow up.

prepare for the inevitable part of life

that requires you to snip the safety net

made by your parents

and create your own life.

and i owe a lot of that growing up

to the experience i had in nicaragua.

two teenagers, with a very rough idea of the real world,

wandering the streets of a foreign land

preaching a message that they firmly believe.

there is very little training considering 

the objective that is given. 

yet, the way we talk

is not with our mouths.

but with our testimonies, the spirit of god

and a lot of faith.

it's a language that you don't learn

from someone else.

rather, it's an individualized experience.

there may be similarities you share with others

but no feeling, notion, prompting

is the same person to person.

and that's an incredible language to master.

a good missionary sees it occasionally.

a great missionary sees it frequently.

but an extraordinary missionary sees it always.

i am no judge of character for myself,

but i do know that there are many moments

that i can remember that i spoke the words

that the hearer needed.

they were not my words,

but the way i talked

was enough to let me know

that they were the right words

that the man upstairs understood

and knew that person needed

at that precise moment.

it sounds a little bit like my daddy

it don't cuss around my momma

some words you've never heard

'less you come from down yonder

the man upstairs gets it

so i ain't tryna fix it

no i can't hide it

i don't fight, i just roll with it

oh, kinda slow like the Mississippi rolls

it's the only way i know

man it ain't my fault

i just live the way i talk.

#lifeunfiltered

after a church meeting today,

one of my leaders handed me an article.

he simply said that he had shared it

with some other members of the congregation

in an previous meeting

and would like me to read it as well.

the story is about a girl who hides her life through filters.

and unfortunately hides her despair so well

her parents are blindsided by her suicide.

now, i don't know why this leader decided to share this with me.

because i assure you, i would never think of ending my life that way.

but maybe it wasn't for me.

maybe, i was just supposed to read it

and share my thoughts.

the article talks about how part of Madison, said girl,

must have struggled internally with the difference

between the life we are living on the inside

and the filtered life we are letting the outside world see us live.

"Even people you think are perfect are going through something difficult."
a taken from a post on Madison's Instagram account.

and it's so true.

today we talked about charity in our women's meeting.

and what it really means to be charitable.

sure it means to be "willing to bear one another's burdens ... 

to mourn with those that mourn, 

yea and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." 

and i think it goes so much further than that too.

"a compliment should be voiced

and a criticism should be hushed,

not the other way around."

--wise words of an institute teacher

we need to be more willing to truly listen to other people.

and let them understand our sorrows.

but we also need to see into the inside world they are living in.

truly try to understand their hurt.

so they can feel like someone is truly there that understands.

not just a friend with words.

i am not the best friend you could ever have.

but i find joy in lifting the fallen.

trying to emulate the savior.

and i am not trying to say any of this to get attention.

but maybe what we all need to do

is to look around us

and try to have a little love and understanding

for those around us.

strangers, friends, or family.

because you never know what another might be going through.

your words could be their saving grace.

literally.

my number is twenty-three

a couple of years ago,

i fell for a friend's post online

and had to write 23 things about myself.

some things haven't changed, yet other's have.

1. i still love country music. the only reason i ever listen to pop radio

is because the country stations are playing commercials.

2. i still love western swing dancing.

it's been a little rough getting back into the saddle post mission, but it's still a thing.

3. i have been to a concert. i saw scotty mccreery live for $5 as part of his "see you tonight" tour.

waiting outside the doors wasn't too bad when you have good company.
rhett, me, andrew

third row my friends. for $5.
thank you utah state.

4. i have shot a gun. lots of times. and most times i have a pretty good shot too,

wyoming mountains make the best backdrop for pictures

5. i am still better at fixing other people's problems.

my dad calls it perspective; i call it free therapy.

6. i must have skipped this one.

so, i'll make one up.

i know spanish.

y si, puedo entenderte cuando hablas de mi.

7. i work at a grocery store again. 

and some days are better than others.

like wednesdays. i like wednesdays.

fridays and mondays not so much.

8. i still automatically respond to people's comments.

thank you customer service jobs.

9. the number is a lot bigger than three now.

10. i am getting better at recognizing faces.

it's still hard, but i can thank the mission for that.

if you can remember a unique quality about them,

it helps a lot.

11. to  16. 

nothing has changed.

but allow me to digest something:

i am an accounting major.

and yes, i like it.

there are a lot of numbers,

but even more principles and concepts to remember.

#appreciate_your_accountant

17. i found out that i won't have to take a calculus class

or any more math-intensive classes to graduate

and i cried a little tear of gratitude.

18. i now live with only three other girls.

and we are each other's sounding boards.

no hard feelings here!

19. my love life is still interesting like string theory,

but at least it's engaging now.

(no, that was not an announcement)

20. more than words can recount.

21. i have fixed myself of this habit.

(thank you mission)

but sometimes, it would be nice

to knock some sense into people.

22. that one has changed.

to quote keith urban,

"to, to kiss and tell, it's just not my style."

23. beards are still one of the most attractive things ever.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

these kinds of posts are kind of fun to write,

because i get to see my personal growth.

somethings haven't changed,

and i guess that just makes me, me.

progress is made

and i am thankful for the memories

that mark those changes.

thank you.

the little white dress

a couple years back, one of my young women's leaders gave me this:

hang on to your values
hang on to your testimony
hang on to your goals...
so that some day you can
hang your temple dress on me.

and it sat in a memory box for a couple of years until i got to that point.

surely, it will be the day that i hang my wedding dress up beside it,

thought little laurel me.

never thought in a million years that i would be going on a mission!

when they changed the age at which missionaries could go

i was totally complacent. 

woo! go missionaries! congratulations!

me: i still know that i'm not going on a mission.

but the lord knew better.

i moved out to school, 

took a missionary preparation class at the lds institute.

still wasn't convinced i was going on a mission.

and then i got a new roommate after christmas.

and i attribute the keeling point to her.

angie was an rsm, ready to preach the gospel

and full of light. 

when i wasn't angry at her for being my mother,

we were talking about the experiences that she had had on her mission.

and it was incredible.

my parents were skyping rae and i one night

and asked us (in february mind you!)

what our plans were for the summer.

we both surprised our parents:

i was going to prepare for a mission

and rae was going to go home.

in the ensuing months, i got my job in jackson,

moved out there, earned lots of mula

and tried to prepare spiritually for the mission.

i met some amazing people and 

i chalk those six months as second best

behind the mission.

i got home,

chugged through my paperwork

and got my call:

nicaragua managua south.

and it all came home:

i was going on a mission.

in six weeks.

ten days wait between submitting my papers

and getting them. 

the lord needed me NOW.

and so i did.

and the day arrived for me to receive my endowments

and buy my own white dress.

and it was incredible. 

being inside the temple like that

is literally being in the present of god's greatest people.

i had some amazing friends who came to support me,

one of them being an old young women's leader.

and now, almost two years later

i have worn a white dress many times

and now i am trying to remain worthy of putting it on.

hang on to your values

hang on to your testimony

hang on to your goals

the rsm life

i am just going to put this out now:

the rsm life is a lot different than i thought it would be.

i will be honest with you:

i thought that being a sister missionary would change

more than it did.

now, allow me to explain two parts.

part 1: the idea

when i got home, i was expecting a crowd of friends from the ward or stake.

i was expecting that in the ensuing weeks between being home and starting school,

that i would go on a few dates, figure out a few more things about this "new" world.

then i would move into a new ward at school and it all would be different.

people would treat me differently because i had served a mission.

i would get asked on dates, have some more friends.

i needed to find a job, and preferably one that paid better than minimum wage.

i needed to start over. reinvent.

but still be me.

part 2: the reality

coming home off the plane, i had just left my companion in the airport an hour ago.

i had been awake since three am that morning, with only about five hours of sleep.

i had just left home in an alternate universe, and was stepping into reality again.

and i was just excited to hug my daddy.

i got off the plane. i tried to be one of the last ones off the plane,

and thanks to "missionary seating" as i like to call it, it wasn't a difficult feat.

and then i ran down the tarmac, left my luggage in the walk way

and hugged my daddy for the first time in eighteen months.

and then the rest of the family each got their hug, and it was all just a blur.

we took some pictures with the lovely people who had come to see me home

like my favorite young women's leader, kari kah

of course, the family. grandparents included.

and the wonderful tennessee family, as i would call it

fackrells, sis pesci, sis kah and son, vaughns.

i couldn't be happier with that happy moment. 

it truly was surreal to be in the knoxville airport again.

i had dreamt of the moment so many times, that it all played out like exactly that:

a dream.

we drove home. the wind had destroyed a wonderful sign that my siblings had poured their hearts into making, but it was a play on a sign that my aunts made for me before i left

and so it said:

welcome home janelle.

daddy had a nice little surprise for me in the driveway

a "gift" that i had requested.

and he let me drive it to the church to be set apart....

crazy father.

but anyway. i showed everyone some nicaraguan culture

and shared a few trinkets that i had brought home.

and then real life hit.

i was no longer a missionary. 

i was no longer a representative of

la iglesia de jesucristo de los santos de los ultimos dias.

i was no longer hermana graves.

i was janelle again.

and it hurt like heck

it's been said that as a missionary, you are set apart from the world.

and i promise you, it's true.

the lord walks beside you, and there are moments if you catch the light just right

you can see him there in the companionship.

there are no words that describe the feelings of complete exhaustion or complete excitement

at the end of the day.

a good day is one where everything went as planned, where nothing went planned,

or when nothing and everything went as planned.

but it was all okay, because you were on the lord's errand.

stepping out of that limelight was really hard.

because it was no longer about you being a missionary,

it was about you being a return missionary with all these things to do for you now.

going to rant: i hate it when people how my mission was and 

are satisfied with the answer ::great, thanks.::

i spent eighteen months serving the lord.

the word great does not do it justice.

i appreciate the thought of asking, but let me tell you a little bit about it.

i did not get along with all my companions. but i love them all.

i had a lot of converts who are not currently active in the church. and that hurts.

but then i also have a few converts who are strong. a few who have chosen the higher road.

i did not always have success.

but i was successful.

my mission was

invite others to come unto Christ by helping them receive the restored gospel,

through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His Atonement, repentance,

baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end. 

and i did it. 

and when i got home, i had no mission statement.

i had a few plans, but definitely no mission call.

and i was lost.

my extended family came and went,

and my family tried to finish their summer strong.

i went to the temple for the first time in almost eighteen months

and made it through a session without crying for joy.

but i was wandering.

then i picked up a job for a couple of weeks and was doing something again.

being out of the house, thinking of all the things that had changed.

friends married, with children, others engaged.

it all came down to same:

i felt like the time had just been frozen on the home front

but coming to terms with all the changes was difficult.

i really had to start from basically ground zero with everything.

for my birthday, my mom bought me a new wardrobe for the "post mish me."

a new phone. a new vehicle. a new job.

a new life.

and now here we are.

seven weeks home from the mission.

and still awkward as crap.

i haven't been ask on very many social outings.

i moved into the new ward, but don't have very many friends yet.

i love my roommates. i like my new classes.

i found a great job in the bakery at a local grocery store.

and i am no closer to figuring out a few more things about life than i was seven weeks ago.

the visions of being treated differently because i am a rsm are not what i thought them to be.

i'm just another one in the crowd. 

and it's taken some time to get adjusted to that.

i don't like being one of the crowd for very long.

and like a friend once told me "you jumped on that bandwagon."

the mission was an amazing experience where i got to see the lord bless his obedient servants.

i have seen many people change their lives and continue to change themselves because of the message that we as missionaries shared with them and their relatives and friends.

i have seen what happens to missionaries that follow the promptings of the spirit.

i have witnessed first hand the lord's hand of protection in my life and that of my companion.

i have seen the light of christ in the eyes of a boy willing to follow jesus with all energy of heart that he tells his mother to go to church every week. 

i have seen the hand of the lord in so many ways.

and now i am having a light problem and can't see through it.

in my institute class yesterday, my teacher began class with the story of the brother of jared.

when the brother of jared was given the instructions to build a ship, he went and did.

and then realized a couple of problems: no light, no air, and no steering.

the brother of jared then goes to the lord and converses with him of these dilemmas.

 the lord quickly responds that he will take care of the need for steering, and the plans were given to him to create air holes. but then the lord says: 

"what do you want me to do? i can't just give you everything."

he give him parameters, some guidance. and then says: "alright, go."

and this is where the miracle comes in:

if the brother of jared hadn't had his 'light problems', he would have missed the opportunity to 

see the savior.

that's right: without trials, he wouldn't have been able to grow enough,

to show the sufficient faith, to see first, the finger of the lord,

and then the body of the christ. 

the savior awaits to show himself unto us,

but we must muddle through and solve our light problems first.

god has given us the commandments (our own parameters)

and is giving us real time commentary on what to do (general conference, anybody?)

and there's more.

the brother of jared went and did.

he brainstormed and thought of something.

he acted

and created sixteen small stones out of rock.

but they would have just been rocks, without the ability to give off light

if the lord had not touched them.

we can do all the work.

we can go and act, and do, and be busy

trying to solve our light problems.

but if we don't accept that the lord has to help us,

that we can't do it all by ourselves

our efforts are just rocks.

right now, i guess it's time to re-evaluate my light problems,

turn them into rocks,

and have the faith in jesus christ

to ask him to turn them into the stones that will

"shine forth in darkness."

pray as though it all depended on God.

work as though everything depended on you.

-saint augustine

a married twin.

before i left on my mission, 

i shared some deep thoughts about rae,

and the love i have for her.

well somethings never change.

sure i have to share her now,

but there are worst things.

all my life i have felt like the pioneer of the family.

the example that everyone looked up to.

and it never really bugged me.

i honestly love being about to look at what others have done

and improving. make it all my own. 

and having someone there to take it from me

and keep it going.

i think that's honestly why i loved training sisters on my mission.

it was difficult, and there were several weepy nights,

but i grew.

and as i read emails from my family each week,

i realized that we were all growing.

sometimes when you don't see the progress daily

you see the progress actually happening.

the "ah ha" moment after you step back

and get a better view.

rae got married. 

and it was probably the hardest thing for me to grasp.

because one, IT'S A HUGE DEAL.

and two, it's an important first that i didn't make first.

and i was kind of jealous for a little.

(after getting over the initial shock of a having an engaged twin sister).

i couldn't be the first daughter married.

but then it hurt.

because she would have to take this journey without my full attention.

i was just another friend, far far away.

growing up is kind of hard...

and watching your best friend do it alone

was really hard.

but you know what?

she did it.

photo creds to a twist of lemon photography

and dang didn't she look good doing it.

now that i have met my brother in law in person

it makes the realization that she is married a little easier.

i know that eric is a good man,

and that he will treat her right.

she's in good hands.

and now we can do a lot of things that it hurt me not to be able to do.

we can go to the temple together (check!)

we can talk about all that we have seen.

and we can enjoy the promise that if we are faithful,

we will have eternal life.

"Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, 

feasting upon the word of Christ,

and endure to the end, 

behold, thus saith the Father: 

Ye shall have eternal life."

2 nephi 31:20

isn't that promise enough to make you happy forever?

well, hello there

so it's been a while. life got pretty busy there.

i have gotten back from my best eighteen months in nicaragua.

to check up on how that went, go and check out

hermanagraves.blogspot.com

it really was an adventure of a lifetime, and i would love to spend all day

talking about how amazing it really was.

since moving back home, i have seen lots of friends,

spent a lot of fun time with female role models in my life

getting adjusted to the rm wardrobe,

worked, and most importantly, fallen in love with these guys again:

photo creds to darrin perryman photography

we took family pictures right before i left for my mission
and thanks to weekly emails, i somehow survived the
eighteen month sabbatical from daily life.
lots of pictures, and lots of spanish vocabulary words,
made the adventure interesting to retell.
but this time, i got to be there, and that was special.

i am now back to school, trying to get my lazy butt
excited to be at school again.
i have some good motivation hanging over my head,
so there isn't much time to waste.

rae got married to a cute guy named prince eric
and they are great. waay cute couple.
it's a plus that they live a few blocks away too.

bug went to the other blue school
and we have to learn to love the weird again.
#showmethescotsman

russman got big. watch out world.
a stud muffin is a cooking.
chris is as tenderhearted as ever,
and has become quite the little adventurous one.
still holds out for the football player dream,
but there may be some growing that has to happen first.
hannah is the little princess.
she's the only little girl left in the house
and i don't think she will let her brothers forget it, either.
spencer is into everything sports,
which really isn't new to me.
the kid can't think straight if it's not raining outside.
he loves playing outside...


i love my family and i can't believe that
we made it through eighteen months.
congratulations family.
we rock.

sisterly firsts

everybody asks what it is like having a twin sister.

imagine having your best friend with you all the time.

imagine being able to talk about anything and everything,

and she understands because she lives your life.

this statement is entirely true, because i have something

imperative to tell her every other second.

this year has been hard because the longest we have ever spent apart was this summer.

in nineteen years, the longest we had ever been apart was two weeks.

until this summer when i left her in logan the first weekend in may,

and didn't see her again until the middle of august.

hardest three and a half months of my life.

but, heaven knows it was a trial run of what my mission is going to be like.

as a kid, the teacher asks you who your best friend is,

and my answer was always rae.

i didn't have many "best friends" in school,

but rae was always there.

we walked through life together.

we started elementary school together.

we walked through the doors to middle school together.

high school was an adventure we took on together.

college was a life changer we supported each other through.

 i can't imagine walking onto a plane by myself,

meeting my future without her.

i'm tearing up just thinking about it.

firsts are always something we supported each other through.

rae got her first glasses and i was there to tell her she looked good in them.

rae judged me as i tried on my first colorguard uniform.

we were in the car together when we took our newly issued permits for the first spin.

we entered the temple together on our first time.

our first cross country drive was together.

and so many more.

but there are some firsts i haven't shared with her,

and firsts she hasn't shared with me.

i can't share or talk with her about the experiences of being endowed.

i can't show her the feelings i have about the people that i worked with this summer.

there are some feelings that i can't show her and it hurts.

i can't talk with her about her boyfriend,

because i've never had one.

i can give her advice based on the things i have seen from her life.

i am that voice of reason in the back of her head

that says "five dates before you bring him to meet the family."

the voice that says "i approve" and makes the relationship legit.

she trusts me, and i trust her.

there are so many things i want to share with her about the things i saw

in the temple, but i can't talk to her about them, mostly because

she can't go there with me. and it's killing me.

and there is nothing more in the world that i want than to share that with her.

there are so many beautiful things in the temple that i want to discuss

and she can't do it with me.

sure, i have my mom or my dad, or my wonderful family.

but i want my sister.

we will always be best friends.

we will always be the ones we turn to for advice.

but we are our own person and this is where the road takes us apart for a time.

but the roads run parallel, and we will be together. forever.

my mom always encouraged us to be our own person.

we never walked around in matching outfits.

coordinating, maybe, but never matching.

we were given the option: 

band or orchestra?

red or green?

vanilla or chocolate?

alone or together?

and in many ways, we are complete opposites.

i loved band. rae thrived at orchestra.

i love red, rae prefers the cooler color of green.

i love vanilla, she loves the chocolate heart attack of rocky road.

i love the silence of being alone, rae loves the social life.

but we dragged each other into each others lives.

rae drug me into so many dumb social activities that i ended up loving.

i got rae to enjoy vanilla bean ice cream.

but, we still support each other in our differences.

orchestra concerts are terribly boring, but i went.

rae went to football games for the social aspect, but loved to watch me perform.

we compliment each other.

we are each other's person.

she's my person.